Beginnings
by themindofmine
Summary: Prequell to my stories. Jess and Cody's college years and beyond...Just some fluff to show how they became the people they are today.
1. Chapter 1

Today this just came into my head so I had to go with it. I'm still working on To Have and To Hold but I wanted to start this before it left my head. It's about the years leading up to Jess and Cody being grown ups. Those informative college years that molded them to the adults they are today. As always none of these characters other then Jess belong to me.

Beginnings

Chapter One

August 18 ,1993

Jess Hawkes sat on her pinto mare her father had given her for her thirteenth birthday. The sun was setting over the mountain and she knew it was almost dinner time. If she was late again her parents would probably disown her. She just couldn't bring herself to leave the spot where for so many years she came for comfort. In three weeks her and her brother were going to leave for college. Jess crammed two years of school in over the last two summers so she could go to Sacramento State with Cody. She couldn't stand the thought of him leaving her here. Even though she knew her parents and older brother loved her she felt the closest to Cody. He had been her savior all those years ago when she had come for visits. Then again when at twelve her birth parents died and Jesse and Jackie Hawkes took her in to their family. A few days ago she found out Cody had saved her life. That was something she would keep to herself for now.

"Mom's going to kill you if your late again Jess." Jess wiped the tears before Cody could see them. He never suck up on her before. She must be loosing it.

"Yeah, I'm coming." She turned her horse around and he was in front of her on his brown stallion.

"I'm going to miss the sunsets."

"Sacramento has sunsets Cody." He looked at her. His blue eyes so intense she knew he was itching for a fight.

"Not like these." He turned Cooper quickly and quietly and started down the steep incline. Jess kneed her horse and followed.

"You haven't changed your mind about me going with you, have you? Because I would understand if you did." Cody stopped his horse and was turned back toward her before Jess could take a breath.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Pick a frigging fight every chance you get lately. Jess if I had a problem with you coming with me I would of said something a year and a half ago when asked me. Or six months ago when you wanted to know if I was sure. Or three months ago when you told me that you applied at UCLA and got in. Your a big girl Jess and you have to make your own choices and this was the choice you made and I'm fine with it." He turned back around and took the last three feet of the incline slowly and when he hit level ground he took off. Jess wasn't sure what was going on with him but whatever it was she was to blame. She could feel it.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Dinner was more quiet then it had been in years. Jess and Cody sat silently across from each other. Sundays were always time for family and friends. Today Matt had to take the team on a training run to the north face to get some service hours in. It had been a long time since it was just the four of them at the large dinner table. Jesse looked at his son and daughter. Something was going on between them but he knew better then to get in between the two of them. It only made it worse.

"The new breading on the fish is really good honey." Jesse looked at his wife. She smiled. Jackie felt the tension too.

"Thanks. I got a sample for the restaurant and thought I'd try it on the trout you and the kids caught last week end up at Aaron's.

"I think you should order it." Jesse looked at his wife. She shrugged his shoulders. "What do you two think?" Jesse asked looking first at Jess then at Cody. Neither spoke. "Jess?" She looked up from her plate.

"What did you say dad, I wasn't listening."

"I know. How's the fish?"

"Good." He looked at Cody who was trying hard to finish the last of his green beans.

"Son?" Cody looked up.

"Real good." Cody looked at Jess. Her jaw was clenched and he thought for a minute she was going to cry.

"Can I be excused?" She looked at her mother.

"Sure." Jess stood went into the kitchen and rinsed her plate and put it in the dishwasher. Taking the covered plate off the counter she grabbed her sweater she went out the back door slamming it behind her. Jesse looked at Cody.

"You going to tell me what that's all about?" Cody shrugged.

"She's been weird all week." He took the last bite of his beans. "Who knows with her. Can I be excused?" Jesse wanted to say no. Make Cody explain what the heck was going on with them.

"Yeah. Go." Cody got up and went to clean his plate. Jesse looked at his wife. "Any suggestions?"

"They fight Jesse. They fight a lot. They get over it." Jesse knew she was right but with them leaving in a few weeks he wondered if they'd work it out before it was time to go.

**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess walked into the Ranger office's back door. She grabbed a soda from the fridge and headed to the front office. Jim Cutler sat behind the desk. Jess slid the plate she had taken form the house and the soda on the desk in front of him. He looked up.

"You need to stop sneaking up on me like that woman." Jess smiled. She liked when Cutler called her a woman.

"You need to stop burying your head in those romance novels and I wouldn't sneak up on you." He looked at the plate in front of him.

"Trout?"

"Yeah, mom tried a new breading. It's really good." Jess sat on the chair across from Cutler. "Whens Matt and the others getting back?"

"Soon I would think. Frank went to go pick them up."

"How come you got left behind?"

"Already had the training. Thanks again for dislocating your shoulder." Jess smiled.

"Any time." She watched him eat. "I'm glad I could further your career."

"Next time not so much scaring the crap out of me okay?"

"I'll try." He stopped eating and looked at her.

"You okay Jess?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Your kind of quiet." He smiled.

"I'm fine. My shoulder hurts now and then but I rode up to the ridge today."

"Stella's going to miss you." He sat back. "Are you all packed?"

"Pretty much. Just the stuff I'm still using is out."

"Big plans for tomorrow?"

"It's Monday."

"Jess!"

"I'm hoping everyone forgets." Cutler shook his head.

"I hope that's not your birthday wish Jess because you know no one is going to forget your sixteenth birthday." Smiling Jess stood up.

"A girl can only hope. I'll see you later. Tell everyone I said hi." Jess went out the front door and started walking down the road toward town. It was getting close to eight and she knew everything would be closed but she just didn't want to go home yet. Hearing the Ranger helicopter she changed directions and headed to the path to the meadow behind the station. She couldn't deal with Matt. Not today. Today she was going to make a decision that could change her life and she didn't need her older brother looking into her eyes like he did and figuring her out. She hated that about him. That's why she kept her distance. Knowing the way with her eyes closed she headed to the meadow.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*

Matt saw Jess heading into the meadow. It would be dark soon but he wasn't worried about her not finding her way home. Jess could find her way home blindfolded. Frank landed the helicopter and started shutting it down. The team filed out of the back and headed into the station. Matt watched Jess's shadow go deeper into the grassy foliage.

"You just going to sit there or are you going to go after her?" Frank looked at his boss.

"She's a big girl Frank. She's been finding her way home for a long time."

"She's sixteen. Believe it or not she still needs her big brother." Matt shook his head.

"Then Cody can go after her." Matt got out of the chopper and headed into the station without another glance toward the meadow.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-****--

Cody sat by the river with Kerry Wilson. They had been dating for a few weeks but Cody knew that it would be over when he left for college. They had spent four years of high school flirting and playing games but last month at a motor cross race he finally made the first move. It was late but it didn't matter. Her mom never set a curfew and his parents knew he was old enough to take care of himself.

"Something bothering you?" Kerry was laying in the grass with her head on his leg.

"No. Just taking in the night. It's not going to be the same in the city." She smiled.

"I've never been. My mom thinks the big city will corrupt me." Cody laughed.

"You're already corrupt Kerry." Cody squinted and looked up river. Jess was about a hundred yards up stream walking away from them. Every once in a while she threw a pebble into the stream. He heard the helicopter land an hour ago. She was always hanging out at the station lately so he figured she had gone there. Jess hated being alone.

"I'm going to miss you." Kerry sat up and kissed him. He shook the thoughts of Jess out of his head and returned Kerry's kiss. Jess was a big girl. She knew the way home. Taking the girl next to him in his arms he laid her down on the grass and thoroughly kissed her in the moon light.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

It was after midnight when Cody quietly tip toed up to his room. He took off his boots and his watch and laid on his bed. It was really quiet tonight. He was going to miss the quiet. Getting up he went to the door and went across the hall he knocked quietly on Jess's door. He needed to talk to her. Find out what was going on in her head lately. Normally he didn't have to ask. She told him everything. She didn't answer his knock so he opened the door. Her bed was made and the room was dark. Closing the door he went back to his room and grabbed his boots and headed back down stairs. Seeing Matt sitting at the front desk at the Ranger station Cody stopped there.

"You seen Jess?"

"Around nine. We landed and she was headed toward the meadow. She's not home?"

"No. I saw her about ten at the creek but I was a little busy so I didn't say anything."

"Busy Toad? Is that what your calling it?"

"Bite me." Cutler came downstairs. "Jim have you seen Jess?"

"Not since she brought me dinner. Something wrong?" Cody looked at Matt.

"No. I'll check in with you guys later." Matt stood up.

"Cody you can't go wondering out there alone."

"Matt I've been doing that since I was old enough to walk."

"Not in the dark." Matt got a radio and a couple of flash lights. "Cutler you hold down the fort." Putting on his jacket Matt handed Cody a flashlight. "Does mom and dad know she's gone?"

"Matt, she's not gone. She went for a walk and didn't come back yet. I'm sure she's fine. I just..." He looked down at his boots. "We haven't been taking much lately. I think she...she doesn't like Kerry very much."

"Kerry's horse kicked her in the ribs at the fair last year. I don't blame her for not liking her." They headed outside.

"Jess is been acting weird lately. She ask me today if I changed my mind about her coming to school with me."

"Have you?" Cody looked at his brother.

"Hell no. I want her there so I can keep an eye on her. After the crap with Terry last year I don't dare leave her to fend for herself. She worked her ass off to graduate with me." Heading toward the meadow Matt wondered what could of set Jess off. If it wasn't Cody, then what would make her head away from home a half hour before dark and not come back yet.

"We'll find her Cody." The lights from the flashlight shown to creek bed. "Maybe she's in the barn or the equipment shed."

"I got the barn, you check the shed, we'll meet back here." Matt headed up the hill to the shed that housed the dirt bikes and other outdoor equipment. There was a light on in the back of the shed. Matt walked slowly and shined the flashlight into the corner. Jess wasn't there now but she had been sometime that night. The four wheeler that had been in pieces because Frank couldn't find what was wrong with it was back together and the tools put back into place. Matt went to the bike and pressed the starter button. It started and purred like a kitten.

"It was the carburetor." Matt jumped. Jess slid off the bike hidden in the shadows.

"You scared the hell out of me Jess."

"Sorry." She took her sweater and headed out the door. Matt grabbed her arm.

"Hey...Cody's worried sick about you." Jess turned and smiled.

"Yeah, I'm sure he is." She shrugged out of his grip and opened the door. "Tell Hart not to run that full throttle so much." Matt watched as she left but thought better of going after her. Cody was better at dealing with the little snot. He'd leave it up to him. Shutting off the over head light he headed to find Cody.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cody found Jess on their parents front porch ten minutes later. Her legs curled up under her and her arms wrapped around her. He wanted to throttle her. He wanted to be mad at her but he couldn't. He just didn't have it in him tonight.

"Go to bed." He said as he passed her and headed inside. Jess watched him go. He was pissed at her and she knew it. She couldn't tell him why she was feeling like she didn't belong here anymore. She had made a promise to herself that she would immerse herself into college so she would never have to look back at this place. Cody would give up on her and then she could leave without anyone getting hurt. Getting up she went inside and went up to her room. Cody was sitting on the chair in the corner. "You need to tell me what the hell is going on with you Jess. I can't read you mind."

"I just want to be alone. That's all."

"You hate being alone. You're with people constantly Jess. If not me and Benji then with your friends or the Rangers. Somethings wrong. Why won't you tell me?" Jess sat on her bed.

"I guess it's not of your business."

"Oh, were going to play it this way." Standing up he went to the door. "Well when you decide you need to talk you know where I am." Walking to the door he turned back. "You better decide to talk to me because if dad gets involved it won't be pretty." Cody went out and shut the door behind him. Jess went to her closet and slipped out of her boots and jeans. Finding her pajamas she put them on and laid down in her bed. Cody was right. If Jesse decided to talk to her about her antisocial behavior she wouldn't be able to hold back. It would all come out and the Hawkes would be hurt more then she could bare. Getting up she slid on her robe and went across the hall to confess something to the one person who would forgive her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The soft knock was barley audible but Cody knew it was coming. The door opened and Jess came in. Quietly she shut the door and sat on the end of his bed.

"I feel like I should just let you have a life. I've been a pain in your ass since I was five and I know you must be wanting to get away from me by now. I know I would."

"Where is this coming from Jess?" He sat up and leaned against his head board. "Yes your a pain in the ass but your my pain in the ass. Your my sister."

"Not really."

"Really. You are. I have the scars to prove it." Jess shook her head.

"I'm just the kid your parents had to take in because they signed a paper fifteen years ago." Jess looked down at her feet. Cody stood up and came and stood in front of her.

"Look at me." Jess shook her head. "Jesse Lynne Hawkes, look...at...me!" She looked up. His eyes were full of fire and his fist balled up. "You have been part of this family since the day you were born. Sure you might of lived someplace else half the time but you've always been part of this family." He bent down and looked her in the eye. "Why are you feeling like this Jess. Did something happen?" Jess shook her head.

"I guess I thought you'd rather go to school without me tagging along like I have been for most your life." Cody smiled.

"I wouldn't know how to live if you weren't three steps behind me." Jess looked at him. His eyes had cooled. "We've always been friends Jess. Long before you were my sister. We don't have to spend all our time together but I can't go on with you looking at me like you hate me." Jess shook her head.

"I don't hate you Cody. I just thought you...would rather go off to college with your friends."

"Jess you are my friend. My best friend. You, me and Benji are going to rock that school the minute we step foot on campus. Someone's got to scare all the boys away." Cody raised his eye brows. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her. "Don't ever be afraid to tell me anything Jess. I'll always listen and you know I never judge." She looked at him.

"I know. Go to sleep. I'm sure Kerry gave you a work out." Jess stood up.

"Just because her horse is a bastard doesn't me she isn't a nice girl." Jess smiled.

"If you say so. Night Cody." She walked to the door.

"Night Jess...and Happy Birthday." Jess turned.

"They didn't forget did they?" Cody shook his head.

"Not on your life." Jess left and shut the door behind her. Cody got back into bed. She was still hiding something from him and sooner or later he would figure it out. Till then he was going to keep an eye on his little sister.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

August 19, 1993

Jim Cutler took the box out of his locker and put it in his pocket. He should of given it to Jess yesterday when no one else would of seen. Matt's little sister had been hanging out at the Ranger station since he started working there. She had been the sunshine in some of his darkest times. He sat on the bench and took the box out again and looked at it. Last year his father had died. Jim couldn't of cared less. The man was the worst kind of father. A pentecostal preacher with a belt and a drinking problem. Jess saw his mood change the day he got the phone call. She had followed him and Matt around almost the whole day that day which was strange because she and Matt never really got along. Somehow she pulled them into a cut throat game of crazy eights that turned into a even more hardy game of poker. Jess walked out of the station with half their paychecks and Cutler feeling less depressed then he had in a long time. The next day he told her about his father and she told him about the journal she had found in her parents things. Since that day they had a connection. No one else would understand and the Hawkes would kick his ass if they ever knew how their precious Jess felt about him. He saw it in her eyes every time he caught her looking at him. They were friends and that's how it would always stay. He vowed he would never hurt her. Ever. Putting the box back in his locker he grabbed his jacket and headed back to work.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess knew it was coming. Jackie Hawkes never let a milestone go uncelebrated. The cake and her friends were enough to make her feel better then she had in a long time. Things were going to be okay. Cody sat next to her at the long picnic table behind the Ranger station. The whole team was there along with their friends from school. Jesse was flipping burgers on the grill and everyone seemed to be having a great time.

"Just keep smiling little sister and mom will stay off your back." Jess took a sip of her soda.

"I know." She smiled. "Where's Kerry. I though you'd invite her."

"She's working till three. I'll pick her up and bring her back here."

"Goody." Jess kept smiling.

"I get you don't like her Jess but don't make her feel like she isn't welcome." Cutler sat next to Jess on the other side.

"Jess not make anyone feel welcome. Come on Cody, you know better then that." Jess laughed.

"On that note, I'll see you later. Benji looks lonely." Cody got up and headed to where his friend was standing with four girls.

"If that's lonely, I'm doing it wrong." Cutler said and laughed.

"Benji is going to be a bit of a hindrance , I can see it already. Cody might pass freshman year if I carry him." Jess looked down at her soda. "Hows your day going?" She looked up at Cutler.

"It's Monday. Happy Birthday Jess."

"Thanks." He started eating.

"You want something?"

"No. I'm fine." Matt was coming toward them. "I'll see you later." Jess got up and headed toward her father to see if she could help with anything. Matt sat across from Cutler and put his plate on the table.

"Some days I swear the girl is terrified of me."

"You are kinda of scary in a blond Adonis kinda way." Matt threw a chip at Cutler.

"You talk to her. What did I ever do to make her run the opposite direction every time she sees me?"

"We don't talk about you, ever."

"I don't want to know what you talk about. Just remember she's my sister. My sixteen year old sister." Cutler looked at his friend.

"I like them young Hawkes...not that young." They both laughed. Matt looked up to find Jess watching him. Some days he wondered about what went on in that girls head.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess was sitting on the grass with her friends. They were chatting about something that Jess wasn't really paying attention to. Her friend Jenny poked her.

"Earth to Jess." She turned.

"Sorry did you say something?"

"Who's the hunk sitting across from your brother?" Jess turned and looked. Cutler was telling something to Matt and he was talking with his hands. He did that a lot. Robin said it was because he had some Italian in him.

"Jim Cutler."

"He is hot with a capital H." Jess smiled.

"I never noticed."

"Are you ill? Did Terry like mess you up for life?" Jess looked at her friend. There were days when all she thought about is what Terry White had done to her. Then there were those days when she thought of nothing then what she would like Jim Cutler to do to her. Shaking her head she looked back at the two men sitting at the table. If Jim had known what Terry had done he would of killed him. Cody nearly had. Cody didn't know the half of it. He didn't know she knew but since the school wasn't very big it didn't take long for the word that Cody got into it with Terry to get around.

"He's as old as Matt." She said turning back to her friends.

"Who cares." They all laughed. Benji came up to them and offered her his hand.

"Present time." Jess grabbed his hand and he pulled her up. "Happy Birthday Jess." Benji pulled her into a bear hug. Jess hugged him back and smiled. She looked up. Cutler had a strange look on his face. Pushing Benji away she grabbed his hand and they headed to the present table and proceeded to unwrap her gifts.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess was in the equipment shed a few hours later tuning up her dirt bike. Just like her horse she knew it would be neglected while she was gone so she best winterize it before she left. The back door opened and Cutler came in.

"Hey."

"Hey, you off?"

"In about an hour."

"You want to take the bikes up to the summit. I need to run the fuel dry so I can store it."

"Not planing on coming home for the week ends?"

"I'm sure Cody does but I have a big class load." Jess stood up. "I wouldn't come home for Christmas either but Matt has me and Cody scheduled to work the cross country trails for most of the break."

"Nobody knows those trails like you and your brother."

"I guess." She wiped her hands on the rag draped over the bikes handle bars. "So you up for a ride?"

Cutler looked at her and thought no should be the right answer. But he never did the right thing so why start now.

"Sure. Meet you at the creek in an hour." She smiled the smile that always brightened his day.

"Sounds good. I'll go home and change." Jess walked past him and out the door. Cutler closed his eyes and called himself every kind of fool.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

An hour later Jess sat beneath the old willow next to the creek. She was going to miss the peace and quiet of the mountains. She hadn't told anyone that she wasn't going to come back. If she did they would for sure tell Cody and then the drama would start. Jess didn't get up when she heard Cutler's bike approaching. She closed her eyes and sat against the tree listening to him move off his bike, then putting the kick stand down and walking toward her. She opened them when she felt something land on her lap.

Picking the box up she looked at him.

"What's this?" He sat next to her and leaned back against the tree.

"Your birthday present." She studied the box.

"I opened all my presents two hours ago."

"I forgot it in my locker. I found it when I got changed." Jess smiled. "Are you just going to play with it or are you going to open it?"

"Open it." She set it on her lap and slid off the ribbon. Turning it over she slid her finger under the tape.

"Now I know why Matt's always late on Christmas, you take forever." Jess laughed. Cutler was going to miss that laugh. Opening the lid she removed the cotton. There was a gold chain on the end was a beautiful gold sun.

"It's beautiful."

"Matt always tells me that you are the sunshine in the family. The last couple of years I realized that you've been my sunshine when things got dark." He looked down at his hands in his lap.

"Thank you." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. It took all he had in him not to turn and let his lips meet hers. He reminded himself she was sixteen and his best friends sister. "Help me put it on." Jess put the chain around her neck and Cutler took the clasp and closed it. She turned to him.

"Happy birthday Jess." Smiling Jess grabbed her helmet off the grass.

"Last one to the ridge buys dinner." She was on her bike and kick starting it before Cutler could catch his breath. Jess would win. She always did. The girl had no fear. It got her in a lot of trouble over the years and it would get her into trouble in the years to come. But she was young and she would learn from her mistakes. At least Cutler hopped she would.


	2. Chapter 2

Beginnings

Chapter Two

September 3, 1993

Matt watched his brother pack the last of his and Jess's stuff in the back of the old pick up. Sacramento was only a hundred miles away but it might as well of been a million. Cody had said god bye last night before Matt headed back to the station but Jess had just waved and headed up to her room. Things had never been comfortable between the two of them but he though she would at least say good bye. Cutler came up behind him and handed him a cup of coffee,

"You know you can walk down there and say it yourself."

"She doesn't want to. I won't force her."

"You've been there for her Matt. There's nothing more you can do." Matt turned and looked at his friend.

"I wish I knew what to say."

"You don't have to say anything Matt. That's the nice thing about Jess. Sometimes not saying anything at all is the best." Cutler turned and headed upstairs. Jess and him had said their good-byes last night over an ice cream cone. He was going to miss her more then he eve imagined he could miss another person. Matt would figure it out. He was smart that way. Hearing the back door slam he smiled knowing that he just might of.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jackie couldn't stop crying. She was hoping to hang on to Jess a few more years but she would be safe with Cody. Hugging her daughter close she tried to stop crying but it wasn't working.

"You take care of your brother and Benji. You got all the common sense between the three of you. Don't tell Cody I said that."

"I won't." Jess let her mom hug her as long as she wanted because she knew mom's had issues. Matt came up from the station. She smiled. She wouldn't cry. She did enough of that last night after she said it to Cutler.

"Mom you squeezing the life out of her." Jackie pushed Jess away and looked at Matt.

"I'm just going to miss her."

"Stand on the top of that mountain and you'll be able to keep an eye on both of them." Jackie laughed and went to hug Cody. "You doing okay?" She looked up at him.

"Now that I can breathe." Matt laughed.

"You know if you need anything..."

"Yeah. You'll be the first one I call when I get busted for using my fake ID."

"Jess...."

"I was just kidding. You should be happy I'm leaving. No more Jess mess's to clean up." Matt looked at her.

"Cleaning up Jess mess's made the day a little brighter. Most of the time." Jess felt her lip quiver. She took a step forward and Matt opened his arms and hugged her.

"Thank you."

"For what."

"Putting up with me." She hugged him tighter.

"Anytime Jess." Cody looked at his sister and brother. Putting his arm around his mother he smiled.

"It almost looks like they like each other, doesn't it?" Jackie poked her son in the ribs. "Owe, ma that hurts."

"I think it's sweet." So did he but he wasn't going to admit it.

*----*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

October 25, 1993

"Jess come on. It's a party." Cody stood at his sister's door.

"Go without me Cody. I have a million things to get done."

"It's Friday. Just slack a little. This once. I won't tell." Jess opened the door.

"Cody...I need to study."

"So do I but you need a break Jess. You've been all tense and un-Jess like since we got here." She rolled her eyes. "I promise to have you home by sunrise."

"Okay, give me a half hour." He smiled.

"No more then that." She closed the door and went to sit on her bed. Picking up the phone she dialed the Ranger station.

"Ranger station, Matt Hawkes."

"Hi, it's Jess."

"Hi. What's wrong?"

"I call you and you ask what's wrong?"

"You don't call me unless you need something or you've broken something."

"Just because I called the station doesn't mean I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh. Well that's different then."

"I do want to talk to you though. I have a paper do on the infrastructure of independent law enforcement agency and I have a few questions. How's your schedule look for next week end?"

"Your coming home?"

"It is aloud isn't it?"

"It's just you haven't been home since you left."

"I've been busy. If you can't fit me in I understand."

"No, I'll make some time on Saturday."

"Great. Thanks Matt."

"Anytime Jess." Matt hung up and Jess headed to her closet.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat in the corner. The music was loud and she just wanted to go home. She knew she was going to get sucked in. Cody and Benji were off with some girls somewhere and she was here alone.

"Hi." Jess looked up and a blond preppy looking guy stood in front of her. "I'm Ethan."

"Jess." She smiled.

"You look a little young for a college party."

"Physically maybe. Mentally I'm all college girl." Ethan laughed.

"Are you here with anyone?"

"My brother and a friend."

"Want to dance?" Shaking her head Jess got up.

"I'm going to go."

"I'll walk you to your car."

"I can take care of myself."

"I just want to walk a beautiful girl to her car." Jess rolled her eyes.

"Do these lines really work on anyone?"

"I was hoping this would be the first time."

"Well they're not."

"Damn." He smiled and Jess's breath caught.

"I could use some fresh air. I'd be willing to endure your company to the front porch." Ethan smiled again.

"I'll take it." He put his hand on the small of her back and lead her out to the front porch. "So it may sound like a line but, what's your major."

"Criminal justice with a minor in psychology."

"A brainy girl who wants to carry a gun."

"Who says I don't already." She leaned against the railing. "Just to warn you I do have a brother that does."

"The one your here with?"

"No."

"I started to worry there for a minute." He sat on the railing next to her.

"I should tell you I'm only sixteen." Ethan raised his eyebrows.

"So then spending the night having wild animal sex is out of the question?" Jess smiled.

"Probably." Jess looked out at the campus. "But if dinner and a movie will keep you satisfied I might be able to oblige." She heard Cody before she saw him and she hoped he would not make a big deal of this.

"I think that would suffice." She turned to glare at Cody before he said something stupid.

"Jess. Who's your new friend?"

"Ethan, my brother Cody. Cody my new friend Ethan." Ethan offered Cody his hand. They shook hands.

"Nice to meet you. Jess are you ready to go home?"

"Not yet."

"I am."

"Okay, I'll see you at home."

"Jess..." She glared at him. "I'll meet you at the car." He walked down the steps.

"Lucky me he isn't the one with the gun."

"Sorry about that. He takes his big brother duty's seriously."

"Here." He handed her a piece of paper. "Call me when your leash gets longer." Ethan smiled. Jess turned and headed to the truck parked up the street. She wanted to be mad at her brother but she couldn't quite get there. Getting into the truck she looked forward.

"Where's Benji?"

"He has a ride." Cody started the truck and pulled out.

"This was your idea, so why are you mad at me?"

"Who said I was mad?"

"Oh come on Cody. You might as well of pulled me out of there by my hair."

"I'm sorry. I just..."

"I know. But you have to let me get back on the horse sometime."

"Your only sixteen Jess."

"And I'm in college. I'm smarter then you think about a lot of things Cody." He stopped at a light and looked at her.

"You weren't smart about Terry." She looked down.

"Terry went from zero to jerk in thirty seconds."

"Some men are like that. You have to learn to read the signs baby sister."

"Yeah well like I said I have to get back on the horse sometime."

"Just take it slow. Matt only has so much pull when it comes assault charges." Jess laughed.

"I don't plan on getting hurt like that ever again." Cody knew she would get hurt. It was life. He couldn't protect her from her heart getting broken but he could beat the crap out of anyone who laid a hand on her.

*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Thanksgiving 1993

Jess took the snowboard and leaned it against the truck. Dinner was in an hour but she couldn't pull herself away from the fresh powder of the mountain. Ethan came skidded to a halt a few yards from where they were parked.

"This hill is amazing."

"It's a mountain city boy." He walked up to her and kissed her. His kiss made her shiver inside.

"Are you sure I can't talk you into spending Christmas in Colorado with me?" Jess shook her head.

"I promised Matt I'd pick up the slack here. But maybe spring break."

"I think your dad likes me a little." Ethan had stopped by to pick her up and thankfully her dad wasn't cleaning his gun. Ethan's parents owned a house on Lake Tahoe on the Nevada side and spent holidays there and then headed to Aspen to ski.

"A little." Ethan kissed her again. "I like you, that's all that matters." She put her board in the back of the truck. "I'll drive you back to your car. I better get home before my parents think I ditched them for you." He leaned over and pulled her to him. She stopped and pushed him away. Jess closed her eyes. "Sorry." She got into the truck. Ethan went to the other side and got in.

"Jess." She backed out and headed back to the Ranger station. "I didn't mean to push." Jess stopped at the bottom of the ski run.

"I know. Thank you for giving me time."

"I got nothing but time." She smiled.

"I'm glad." She reached over and touched his hand. Jess wasn't ready for anything more then what they had. She hoped Ethan would understand that.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*

Jess passed the turkey to Cody. Her father was a little upset she was late coming back from snow boarding. Everyone was talking at once and Jess felt a little left out. I guess she better start coming home more often to stay in the loop. Matt handed her the rolls.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?" Jess looked at him.

"I think I'd know if something was wrong."

"Your just quiet. It's not like you." Jess smiled.

"In case you haven't noticed, no one is talking to me."

"I am."

"Okay. I got an A on the paper I wrote about the Rangers."

"I didn't think you could get anything else."

"You a little bias."

"Kind of. I'd like to read it, if you don't mind."

"I have it in my bag. I'll give it to you before I leave."

"Dad said you met a guy."

"He's just a friend."

"Can never have to many friends."

"Nope." The rest of dinner went smoothly and the conversation flowed. Jess helped her mother and Robin clear the table and clean up while the men watched football.

"I saw Ethan when you dropped him off at his car." Robin smiled. "He's cute."

"Yeah."

"You don't sound to enthused."

"I guess I just want to get though this year without any drama and boys bring drama."

"Cody likes him. Benji likes him. Your dad likes him." Jess smiled.

"I like him. He's nineteen."

"It won't matter when eighteen and he's twenty one."

"Yes it will. He won't like me then."

"It's two years Jess."

"I know but in boy years that's a life time." Jackie came up behind her daughter.

"Your a smart cookie, you'll know when it's right." Jess turned and hugged her mother.

"Thanks mom."

"You have plenty of time to for boys when your graduate. It will also help Cody graduate if he's not watching out for you."

"Okay mom you made your point. Does that mean Cody can't date so I don't have to keep an eye on him."

"I will make the suggestion."

"Thanks." Jess grabbed a soda and headed up to her room to call Ethan.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

December 20, 1993

Jesse watched his daughter. She could ski and snowboard down any mountain without fear. It was going to get her hurt one day. He could feel it. She stopped at the bottom of the hill Cody right behind her. She took off her glasses and smiled.

"Care to take a stab at beating me pops?"

"I couldn't beat you when I was young and you were eight." Jesse looked at his daughter. She had grown up so fast. He hoped he and Jackie had done right by the girl who had come into their lives when things were at their worst between them.

"Give yourself some credit. I think you could at least keep up." Jesse smiled.

"Cody can't keep up with you. You mom has dinner waiting. You two better get cleaned up." Jesse got on his horse and headed home. Cody came up to her.

"Did you ask him." Jess looked at her brother.

"After dinner maybe."

"He's not going to let you go to Aspen with Ethan. Matt needs us here."

"Matt's got people on his payroll."

"Have your forgotten your work study?"

"I can get that done all summer. It's five days."

"Five days with a nineteen year old and parents who don't care. Jesse Hawkes is not stupid." Jess took off her skis."

"I know that. I'm hoping he's in really good mood."

"Dad hasn't been in a really good mood since the seventies." Jess laughed. Cody loaded their skis into the truck. "Jess I'm telling you I wouldn't risk it." She looked at her brother.

"You fight with dad all the time. I never have. Maybe that will be a good thing." They got into the truck.

"I've lost most of my fights with dad. Don't forget that."

"Maybe I'll wait till after Christmas."

"Good idea." Cody headed home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

December 26, 1993

Jess sat on the porch swing. It was late but she couldn't sleep. Cody had gone out and Matt and Cutler were up at the cabin. She felt really lonely tonight. It was too late to call Ethan. Hearing the door open Jess turned.

"Hi daddy."

"It's cold out here. You should have a coat on."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, I can see that. Sitting out here alone."

"Sometimes alone is good." Jesse sat on the swing next to her.

"I thought so at one time. Quiet is good. Alone brings heartbreak."

"Ethan asked me to go to Aspen for spring break."

"I need you here Jess. Matt needs you."

"No you don't. Benji said he can cover for me."

"Jess your not going to Aspen with a boy you've known for two months."

"By April I'll know him six months dad." Jesse stood up.

"Jess it's two o'clock in the morning. Go to bed."

"Are you going to change your mind when I wake up?"

"No."

"I'm old enough to pull skiers off a mountain but I'm not old enough to go to Aspen with my friends?"

"Jess, please. I'm not going to fight with you over this."

"Then what should we fight about dad?" Jess stood up. "I don't ask for much, in fact I don't ask for anything. I'm always there when Matt needs an extra hand. All I want is to go on spring break with my friends."

"Jess your sixteen. This boy...is nineteen. I'm not trying to be mean Jess. I just don't thing you should go." Shaking her head she looked at Jesse.

"I guess the rules change when blood isn't involved." She went inside and slammed the door. Cody walked up just as the glass was shaking.

"Looks like she asked to go to Aspen." Jesse looked at his son.

"You knew about this?"

"I knew she wanted to go."

"Well she thinks I'm being mean."

"Are you?"

"What do you think?"

"I think she's rebelling and we're in big trouble." Cody looked at his dad.

"She played the blood card." Cody shook his head.

"She'll get over it dad. Just give it a few days."

"Do you think I treat her differently then I do you and your brother?"

"Yeah, you do. You spoil the crap out of her. You make me and Matt watch her like a hawk and you don't push her into things she doesn't want to do." Cody smiled. "She does it all on her own and she's just as pig headed as the rest of us."

"Go to bed son."

"Give her a few days. We're skiing Mount Price on Friday. I guarantee she'll be over it."

"Maybe I should ground her ass."

"You never ground us." Cody went inside and wondered if Jess had cooled down enough for him to find out what she was thinking. He went to her door but stopped before he knocked. He wasn't in the mood to talk it out tonight. Heading to his room he hoped what he told his dad was true about Jess getting over it.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

December30, 1993

Jess stood at the top of Mount Price. She hadn't talked to her father in four days. She almost headed back to school but Cody talked her into staying here. Working out her frustrations on the mountain always worked. Ethan came up behind her.

"You ready for this?" She looked at him and smiled.

"I'm always ready." Cody, Jenny and Leah finally caught up to them. Cody tightened his pack and checked Jess's.

"She means to ski." Cody informed Ethan. Ethan laughed.

"Your brother thinks he's funny." Jess smiled.

"He really is when he wants to be. Let's get this party started." Jess pushed off and headed down the mountain. Cody pushed off after her followed by the other three. Cody could tell by the way she moved that Jess was being reckless. As long as he could keep up with her he could pull her back if he had to. A scream behind them stopped Jess on a dime. Cody turning right behind her. Looking back up about a hundred yards Jenny had fallen taking Ethan and Leah with her. The rumbling started a minute later. Cody looked at Jess and she nodded. Kicking off their skis and grabbing the oxygen out of the back backs and gripping onto each other they braced themselves for the impact of the avalanche that was heading toward them.


	3. Chapter 3

Beginnings

Chapter Three

December 30, 1993

12:30 pm

Cody yanked Jess by her pack and pulled her out of the snowbank. She coughed and sputtered.

"You hurt?"

"Other then my pride, no." She looked up. "Fifty yards up."

"That's what I got." They headed up over the snow and Jess found Ethan. Cody got out the radio in his pack and called for help. He uncovered Leah. Jess went a little farther up and found Jenny. She was deeper then the others. Digging for what seems like hours she pulled the girl out of the snow.

"Jenny!" Jess cleared her mouth. "Jenny, can you hear me?" Jess checked her breathing, "Cody she's not breathing." Jess started CPR. Cody tened to the other two. "Come on Jenny. Don't do this." Cody wrapped Ethan in a blanket and got one for Leah.

"Jess you need help?"

"No, just take care of them."

12:50 pm

The Mount Price team pulled up just as Jess got Jenny breathing on her own. They took over and Jess stepped back. The helicopter landed midway down the mountain. A man led her to the helicopter. Sitting next to Cody in the back seat she closed her eyes.

"Everything is okay Jess."

"I know." She took a deep breath. "When we land call dad."

"I already did. He's on his way to the hospital." Cody took her hand. It was cold and she was shaking. He had never seen his sister scared. He wasn't sure he could deal with it.

1:15 pm

Jess sat in the waiting room. Cody tried to talk to her. To calm her down but nothing he did made a difference. The sounds of boots on the marble hospital floor mad Jess look up. Their father walked thought the doors. She stood and took the five steps toward him. He took her in his arms and hugged her tight.

"You okay son?" Cody nodded. "Jess?"

"I'm sorry daddy. I was such a brat. I'm so sorry." Jesse hugged his daughter.

"You don't have to be sorry baby. You were just being a teenager."

"I was showing off and people got hurt." Jesse pushed her away and looked into her eyes.

"You didn't cause that avalanche Jess. If you hadn't of been where you were you might not have gotten out in time to save your friends. You and Cody did everything right Jess. Don't ever doubt that." He pulled her back into his arms. Not even when her parents died had Jess shown so much emotion. "Come on. I'll take you home. They turned and started down the hall. A man and a woman stepped in front of them.

"Mr. Hawkes?" Jesse looked up.

"Yes."

"I'm Jon Monroe this is my wife Ellen. We are Ethan's parents."

"I'm sorry we had to meet like this."

"I want to thank your children. Ethan told me what they did." Jess looked at Ethan's parents.

"I'm sorry."

"For what Jess. You and Cody saved Ethan and the girls."

"I should have been more careful going down. I should of waited for them." Jon took Jess's hand.

"You were right where you needed to be. If you had been closer or decided not to go they would have been dead. You saved them Jess. Thank you." Jess nodded and pulled away from her father and walked down the hall. Cody followed.

"She's a little shaken up." Jesse explained.

"I don't blame her. But both her and Cody stepped up when they needed to. You've raised two very brave children Mr. Hawkes."

"It's Jesse. And thank you. I better get them home." Jesse found his children in the back seat of his blazer. Jess was huddled in the corner almost asleep. Cody was trying to talk to her. Jesse got in. "Let her sleep. She'll be coming down hard."

"I've never seen her so shaken up."

"She'll be okay Cody. She just needs to rest." Cody looked at his sister.

"I don't dad, she looked pretty freaked back there."

"She was just coming down from the adrenalin rush. It'll be okay." Cody reached over and touched her cheek. It was cold as ice. Jess never got cold. She could ski in below zero weather with just a sweatshirt. He was really scared of what happened to her after the got off the mountain.

5:00 pm

Jess awoke with a start. She was in her own bed. The lamp next to her bed was on and Cody was asleep in the chair in the corner. How she had gotten here was a little fuzzy. Looking at the clock she wondered where the day had gone. Last thing she remembered was...the snow coming down...Jenny under piles of heavy wet snow. Sitting up she closed her eyes.

"How are you doing?" She opened her eyes. Cody looked pale and frightened.

"Better then you look."

"Thanks."

"How did I get up here?"

"Matt and Cutler were here when we got home. They brought you up."

"How's Jenny?"

"Good. Her parents called to thank you." Jess shook her head.

"I did what anyone else would of done."

"But we knew what to do. Not everybody can say that."

"You can take the girl out of the mountain but you can't take the mountain out of the girl." Jess laid back down.

"What's wrong with knowing how to take care of things under pressure?"

"Nothing. I guess I was hoping to leave that behind. Now I know I can never do that."

"Jess your not making any sense."

"Going to college was my chance to put all this behind. Not always be the third wheel." Cody looked at her.

"It was a chance for me to be someone more then Cody Hawkes sister...tagging along everywhere. Having friends of my own. Doing things for myself."

"You saving Jen changes that?"

"Yes...no...I just know it's not normal to know what we know."

"What's normal for people who grew up surrounded by avalanches and snow ten months out of the year? Jess you used to be proud of knowing the things we do and learning more. You wanted to go to college to come home and help it stay the place we grew up."

"Things change Cody. People change. Look at me. I fought with dad. I never in all my life thought I had it in me." Cody stood up.

"Being a brat once in a while isn't changing, it's growing up. I know you need a life of your own Jess but don't throw away your dreams just because your a little lost doesn't make sense." She looked at her brother. He was right. Just because she was a little mixed up about who she was didn't mean she had to stop believing in the things she did.

"I'm just tired of growing up in your shadow. I finally made some friends without them liking me because I'm your sister. I guess I just wanted to keep the my two worlds separate."

"Then you shouldn't of gone skiing." Jesse said. He was standing in the door way. "Good to see your awake. Your mother was worried." Jess looked at her father.

"I'm fine."

"Good."

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough. Jess do you think we forced you to learn the things you know?" She shook her head.

"Every good skier worth anything knows how to survive an avalanche. How to prepare. You and your brothers know this. You were prepared. Knowing what to do, being prepared was a choice you made. Jess you could of left your pack in the car but you knew better. It was a choice you made. A choice to survive. Saving your friends with training you chose to take. Nobody forced you."

"I get it dad. I made wise choices and it saved all our lives." Jesse looked at his daughter.

"Don't second guess those choices Jess. Everything you do not only affects you but the people around you. If your plans change they change. Just don't regret what brought you to this point." He kissed the top of her head. "Dinner in fifteen minutes." Jesse went to the door. "I'm proud of both of you for what you did today." Leaving Jess and Cody once again alone.

"I can back off if it'll make you happy." Jess looked at her brother. He was getting a little of his color back.

"I think I'd like to keep things the way they are. I was being a brat. I...someday I'll figure out what the heck has been pulling me away the last few months. I just know that your what makes the whole damn thing from crushing me." Jess wasn't sure she knew what she was saying or if Cody understood. Someday she would tell him about the things she found out about her parents last summer. Someday. But not today. Standing up she hugged him. Cody had been her lifeline since she was five. Someday he would know just how much he really meant to her.

"Let's get down to dinner before mom sends dad back up here." Jess laughed and wiped her tears.

"Suddenly I'm starving." Jess followed Cody downstairs. Her family was the most important thing in her life and it had taken a avalanche to make her realize how much they truly meant to her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

June 18, 1994

School had been done for nearly a month and Jess decided that she would take this summer to slack. Matt had a ton of stuff for her to do and she would get it done but other then that she wanted nothing more then to spend time with her new friends and take time for herself. She was in the barn cleaning Stella's stall when all her plans came to a screeching halt. Cutler walked in. Jess hadn't seen him much since she came home. He had been off for a week then she had gone camping. It had seemed they kept missing each other.

"I heard the prodigal daughter had returned." He smiled at her and she nearly melted.

"Yeah. Someone had to pick up your slack." Jess couldn't look at him. She started mucking the stall again.

"I thought you were going to summer school?"

"Not this year. Dad thought I should take it easy for once. For once I agreed with him."

"I heard you and Jesse were locking horns lately." Jess stopped and looked at him.

"Yeah but I learned he's always right." Cutler laughed.

"Don't I know it. I have to go to town later you want to catch lunch?"

"I'll see what the task master has for me."

"I got it in good with him. Maybe I can put in a good word and get your sprung early." Jess laughed.

"Do what you can. He's not in a good mood."

"Is he ever?"

"Once when I was six I think he smiled." Cutler laughed. "I better get back to work before he catches me slacking."

"Okay. I'm coming back to get you for lunch."

"Yeah, yeah." Jess wasn't sure she could make it though lunch without making a fool of herself. She thought having Ethan for a boyfriend would squash her feelings for Cutler but they hadn't. Jess started shoveling and focused more on the stalls and less on Cutler.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cody sat at Matt's desk trying to get his computer to boot up. Jess was out cleaning out the barn and he really would rather be out there then then in here. Taking a deep breath he stopped himself from kicking the tower out the door.

"Anything yet Toad?" Cody looked up.

"Invest in something a little less like junk next time."

"They were donated."

"Sure, any excuse to be cheap." Cutler came in.

"Morning boys." Matt shook his head. The man was more chipper then any human should be at eight in the morning on a Saturday. "I have to run into town to pick up the parts for my bike. Mind if I take Jess so I get the right ones?"

"Yeah whatever as long as the barn is clean." Cody looked at Matt. The man was so in the dark. He wasn't going to be the one to tell him that their little sister was crushing on Cutler big time.

"I think you'll be able to eat off the floors after she's done. You must of put the fear of Matt Hawkes in her." Matt laughed.

"Bring her back in one piece Cutler. I may need her to pick up your slack." Cutler laughed.

"Whatever." He headed out the back door.

"You need to put a leash on him." Cody said. Matt shook his head.

"He's harmless." Cody shook his head. Matt said that now but just wait when Jess rebelled, like he knew she would sooner or later, Jim Cutler would be the first things she crossed off her list to piss off their father and their brother.

"If you say so." Cody went back to calling the machine in front of him ever name he could think of.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess finished the barn and went to the house to take a shower. She knew that Cutler didn't feel anything for her but she could dream couldn't she? Taking a quick shower she dried her hair and was back out in the barn twenty minutes later brushing Stella when Cutler came in.

"I got the okay." Jess looked surprised.

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth. I have to get bike parts and I was taking you with me."

"To make sure you got the right ones?"

"You know I'm an armchair mechanic." Jess laughed.

"For someone who raced cars you sure don't know much about them."

"Some things I absorb, some things I don't" Jess shut Stella's stall and headed to the door.

"If I didn't know better Jimmy, I'd say you were blond." He laughed and followed her to his truck. Getting in they headed toward town. Cutler found it strange that Jess was so quiet.

"Something wrong Jess?"

"No. Why?"

"Normally your talking my ear off."

"Was I that annoying." He looked at her.

"Never. What makes you think you annoy me." Jess laughed.

"I annoy everyone lately."

"Not me."

"I think Cody and I spent too much time together this past year. We can't even be in the same room without getting on each others nerves."

"I know that feeling. My sister and me spent bible camp every year in this cramped cottage. By the end of the summer we knew what buttons to push to drive each other insane. But it never was her fault when we got caught." Jess looked at Cutler. She had been lucky. At least her parents ignored her. His beat him.

"You didn't deserve any of it Jimmy." He turned and looked at her expecting to see pity for him and what he endured in her eyes but instead he saw anger. An anger toward a man she never met but hurt someone she cared about.

"I know that now." They pulled into the parts store and parked. "Some days its hard to forget."

"It makes you who you are. Just like knowing Lee and Hale didn't want me makes me who I am."

"Jess you can't dwell on that. I know it's been rough but you have to know that the Hawkes have always wanted you here. Even when you were just here for the summer. They missed you from the day you left to the day you came back. Even Matt." Jess smiled, her eyes damp with tears. "I missed you." It took everything James Cutler had in him not to lean over and kiss her right there in front of the auto parts store on that hot June afternoon. He touched her cheek and got out of the truck before he did something he would regret.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess triple checked Cutlers list and picked up the last spark plug. He had sent her that direction while he got a new fuel pump. He was way to hard on his vehicles. She turned the corner to see him talking to the female cashier. He was leaning on the counter and the woman was sucking it all up. She walked up to them and set the spark plugs in front of him.

"That should be it." Wanting to be a bitch but not quite knowing how she headed out the door. Cutler didn't watched her go. He knew he had to make her see that he wasn't worth her school girl crush. He waited for the woman to ring him up and then he'd go after and see how much damage he had cause. Leaving with his purchases and the cashiers number he headed out the door only to find Jess gone. Shanking his head he went to his truck and threw the bag inside and went to look for her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat at the picnic table at the diner across from Stoney's. She had calmed down enough to realize feeling the way she did was stupid. Cutler was ten years older then her. He would always be ten years older then her. He would always be Matt's best friend. He was coming her direction. Jess knew what she had to do. She had to be strong. She had to hide what she felt.

"Nothing like wondering off." She looked up.

"You were busy. I didn't want to interrupt."

"You could of waited at the truck and we could of driven over here."

"It's a beautiful day."

"Yeah." The waitress came to the table. She brought them both a glass of water. Setting the menus down she looked at Cutler.

"Something to drink?"

"Water's fine." He said not taking his eyes off Jess. She turned and headed back to the counter.

"Guess I'm stuck drinking water too." Jess laughed.

"She's a bitch."

"Oh come on Cutler. You have that affect on women."

"One of these days Jess your smart mouth will get your ass into trouble."

"It already has. Your a good looking man Jimmy." The waitress came back.

"Are you ready to order?"

"Burger loaded."

"Fries?"

"Yeah." She looked at Jess like she was board.

"You?" Jess smiled.

"Same, no onions." The girl turned back to Cutler and smiled.

"Be back in a few." Jess smiled.

"She likes you." Cutler glared at her.

"Your a brat." He smiled.

"About time you realized that." They both laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

Beginnings

Chapter Four

August 19, 1995

Jim Cutler looked out the window. The sun was shining bright. Jess sat on the tailgate of her brother's truck. Benji was sitting next to her and they were laughing about something. Today was her eighteenth birthday. She made her parents promise they wouldn't do anything special. Just dinner with her friends and family. Jim fell into that category. He was invited but he wasn't going. He couldn't. Not after the rocky year and half that had just passed.

"You okay?" Jim looked up to see Robin.

"Yeah, why?"

"Matt said you bowed out on Jess's dinner."

"I have a date."

"Bring her. Jackie won't mind." Cutler smiled. He knew Jess's mom wouldn't mind but he knew that Jess would. It was a game they had been playing for over a year. Have a life just don't flaunt it. Ethan had been in and out of her life since the avalanche and he had dated as many women as he could to get her off his mind but it never quite did the trick.

"She's not classy enough for this crowd." Cutler looked back at Jess. "I wouldn't want you board to death."

"You just can't get it all in one package can you Cutler." Shaking his head he looked back at Robin.

"When you decided dating me isn't so bad, I'll have it all." Robin smiled.

"Not in this life Cutler." She laughed and head back to the office. Cutler went back to his paperwork.

/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

The plate slammed down on the table. Cutler looked up from his book to see Jess. Her eyes full of anger for him.

"Happy Birthday."

"It was till you didn't show up for dinner."

"I had other plans." Jess looked at him.

"You haven't missed my birthday since I was ten." He swallowed hard. She had a point.

"Sorry."

"Was she worth it?" Jess glared at him.

"Jess…"

"Just tell me." He stood up.

"No." He looked at her. "No she wasn't. " Jess looked at him with such loathing. "I'm sorry." He turned and headed up the steps. He couldn't face her. Not now. Not today. Hearing her footsteps follow he should have just gone into the locker room and slammed the door. But he made the mistake of turning around. She was there. Her blond hair up in a braid like she always had it. "Go home Jess."

"I need to know why."

"Why what?"

"Why you can't stand to be around me." He shook his head.

"Don't be stupid Jess. It's not like that."

"Then what's it like?" She took a step closer to him. He could smell the sweet scent she wore. He couldn't stop himself this time. No matter what demons kept him at bay for the last three years he couldn't summon them this time. Pushing her against the wall he kissed her. Kissed her like he never kissed any woman before her. But before he could make an even bigger mistake he pulled himself away.

"Go home Jess." She looked into his blue eyes. She knew the storm inside him was tearing him apart. She put her hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes.

"Don't be sorry." She smiled and kissed him softly on the lips and was gone before he could open his eyes again. He wasn't sorry. Scared about the feelings one little kiss brought him. Worried what that kiss would do to his already rocky relationship with Jess. But he wasn't sorry.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*August 29, 1995*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess sat at the creek against the tree. Cody and Benji had gone fishing and asked her to come along but she hadn't been in the mood. Ten days had gone by since her birthday. She did everything she could to avoid Cutler. A few times they met in passing at the station but nothing was ever said about her birthday kiss.

"I thought you were heading out with Cody?" Matt was behind her.

"I just didn't feel like it." He sat down next to her.

"Do you know why my best man is acting like a jackass?" He looked at her.

"Haven't a clue."

"You never could lie very well Jess."

"I got stupid." She looked at him. "I kissed him on my birthday." Matt shook his head.

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to. Matt if I have to explain it to you…"

"I knew you like him Jess but come on. He's almost thirty years old."

"So are you." He closed his eyes.

"He's my best friend but Jess he's an ass when it comes to women. You know that. You've seen it."

"I kissed him Matt. I didn't sleep with him. How many girls say they kissed their teen age crushes?"

"Jess your playing with fire."

"It was one kiss and it was ten days ago. I'm so over it. He must think your going to find out and get mad at him. It was me Matt so don't blame him."

"Are you trying to give our father a heart attach?"

"No." She looked down at the ground. "He's still your friend. Act like one and cut him some slack." Matt shook his head.

"I know your all grown up Jess but please stay away from my Rangers." He got up.

"Yes sir." He smiled.

"You still a brat."

"I know."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cutler hit the bag with all the pent up anger he felt. Today was just not his day. His bike broke down again and he didn't have the guts to go ask Jess to fix it for him. Matt was pissed at him. It might as well be Monday to top it all off.

"You're going to bust a hole in that bag if you don't take it easy." He looked up to see Matt.

"Damn thing won't fight back." Matt laughed.

"Jess told me about her kissing you." Cutler stopped punching the bag.

"She told you?"

"I asked why you were being such an ass."

"I…"

"Don't sweat it."

"Your just letting it go?"

"Do I have a reason not to?" Cutler looked at his friend.

"None what so ever."

"Good. Now take it easy on the bag. I have nothing left to budget for a new one."

"Yeah sure." He watched Matt go. Jess told Matt she kissed him. He thought she would take him kissing her to her grave. Well at least he didn't have to hide from Matt anymore. Now how was he going to keep himself away from Jess till she left for school next week.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cody walked into the house. It was dark. He went to the kitchen where the light over the stove was on. A note on the fridge told him that his parents were gone to Sacramento. They had been taking a lot of trips together lately. Checking his watch he saw it was almost dinner time. He looked around for Jess but couldn't find her. He headed down to the Ranger station to see if she was there. He wasn't in the mood for eating dinner alone tonight. He went in though the back door Cutler and Matt were sitting at the table.

"You guys seen Jess?" Matt shook his head.

"Not since this afternoon. Did you loose her again?"

"Ha Ha. I just thought since mom and dad went on another one of their three day week ends I'd take her to dinner."

"Haven't seen her. Sorry. You welcome to have dinner here. Mom made goulash." Cody looked at the stew.

"I'll pass. I ate some for lunch. If you see her send her down to Marlines."

"You got it." Cody went out the door. Cutler looked at Matt.

"He didn't look worried."

"No reason to worry. Ethan was supposed to come into town this week end."

"I thought they were done."

"Still friends I guess. You have a problem with that?" Cutler looked at his friend.

"None what so ever."

"Good." Matt took another bite of his goulash.

"Good."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Ethan kissed Jess as he laid her on the blanket. She wanted to feel something other then the fear that turned in her gut but she couldn't. She couldn't let Ethan go any farther. Jess stopped kissing him back. Pushing back a little she tried to catch her breath.

"Ethan we have to stop." Taking a deep breath she tried to sit up.

"Jess it's been almost two years…I waited…" He kissed her.

"I know…I…Ethan please."

"I'm tired of waiting." Jess closed her eyes. This wasn't happing again. She knew him. She cared about him. He had waited two years. He pushed her down. If she fought back she would hurt him like she had Terry. But if she didn't he might hurt her.

"Ethan please stop. This is your last chance before I fight back." He pinned her to the ground. His forearm across her throat.

"Try it bitch." The sick breaking startled Jess but Ethan never moved. The sound of the gun cocking did make him look up.

"The lady gave you a chance to back off before your got hurt. I'd take that chance now." Cutler stood behind the big oak tree.

"Hey man, no harm." Ethan got up off of Jess.

"You better hope there's not a hair out of place or a mark on her or I'm the least of your worries Ethan. Now get the hell out of here before I make the call that could put your ass in jail for a very long time." Ethan turned and headed to his truck. Cutler reached down and offered his hand. "Let's get you home."

"Jim…"

"Just get your stuff and let's go." Jess grabbed the blanket and her sweatshirt. Cutler put his hand on her back and led her up the hill to where his truck was. He opened the door for her and she got in. Slamming the door he walked to the driver's side and got in. Starting the truck he slammed it into reverse and backed up till he cleared the road. Slamming it into drive he headed down the dirt road that lead back to the Hawkes house.

"How did you know where I was?"

"You like to come here and think. I figured you'd want to share it with Ethan."

"So you just decided to come looking for me?"

"Cody was looking for you. He wanted you to meet him for dinner." He was driving like a maniac but it didn't bother Jess. She hardly noticed.

"So you came to get me at nine o'clock for dinner?" Cutler slammed on the breaks. He turned and looked at her.

"Who the hell cares why I was out there Jess. The man attacked you."

"He was only kissing me to begin with." Slamming the truck into park Cutler got out. He took three steps away from the truck and took a deep breath. Turning back around he looked at her.

"Jess he's been your boyfriend for nearly two years. How did you not see…?" He knew. He knew too well why she was so trusting. All the men in her life were saints. Her brothers, her dad, Flynn. Everyone but him. Why else would she trust another man after Terry?

"I knew what could happen. I just didn't want to be afraid anymore." Cutler closed his eyes. Afraid wasn't always bad but when it came to the kind of trust she was looking for it always came with a price. Getting back in the truck he looked out the windshield.

"Jess…are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'll live. I may never date again but I'll live." She looked down and played with the strings on the blanket. "What's wrong with me Jimmy? I've had exactly two boy friends and one hit me and the other tried to rape me."

"Jess it's not you." She looked up.

"Then tell me what it is? Tell me why I can't find a man who isn't in attack mode." Cutler shook his head.

"You like the bad boys. It's a bad habit." He put the truck back in drive and headed toward her house.

"You can't tell Jesse and the boys."

"I like them too much for them to go to jail over a punk like Ethan. You should have let him die on that mountain."

"Jim…"

"Jess, stop." He couldn't stand the way she said his name. Like a whisper in the darkness. "This stays between us but this is the last secret I keep from Matt." He pulled up in front of the dark house. "I can't do this anymore Jess. I just can't."

"Do what?"

"Just go to bed Jess." She looked at him. "I'll see you before you go back to school."

"Will you?" He turned and looked at her.

"Yeah." He watched till she was on the porch and opened the door then he pulled away. Needing to get the last hour out of his mind he headed to the bar.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cody racked up another game of pool and tossed the cue ball to Benji. He knew it was getting late but he just didn't feel like going home. The restlessness he was feeling seemed to get stronger every day. An hour before he had seen Cutler come in and sit at the bar. He wanted to ask if he'd seen Jess but the look on Cutler's face told Cody that now wasn't the time to ask him anything.

"Last game Hawkes. I got an early water safety class in the morning." Cody took a drink of his soda and looked at the bar. Cutler was talking to a blond who had been eyeing him up since he walked in. Cody shook his head. One of these days Cutler was going to bight off more then he could chew. The blond touched his cheek and he pushed her away.

"Call Matt, get him down here." Cody threw his pool stick on the table and went to the bar. "Jim…my friend why don't I buy you a cup of coffee." Cutler turned to look at the younger man.

"I'm fine." Cody smiled and stepped between the blond and Cutler.

"You're not fine. Now pay your tab and let's go get some air before you put your job and my sister's opinion of you on the line." Cutler swallowed hard. He knew Cody was right. He had just wanted to be alone and have a few drinks. He hadn't counted on the blond being so aggressive. Taking out his wallet he threw a twenty on the bar and headed out the door, Cody behind him. Matt was waiting by the door.

"Everything okay in there?" Matt looked at his brother.

"Yeah." Cody handed Matt Cutlers keys. "You take him home, I rode with Benji. I can take your truck." Matt handed Cody his keys.

"I can take care of myself." Cutler said. He turned to Cody. "You need to tell her its okay." Cody looked at him. "Tell her nothings wrong with her."

"The blond?" Cutler shook his head. "Tell her it'll be okay Cody. She needs to know it won't be like this." Matt led his friend to his truck and got him in the passenger's side.

"Do you know what he's talking about?" Benji asked Cody.

"I have an idea. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, take it easy." Cody got into Matt's truck and headed home. Something had freaked Cutler out tonight. Something that involved Jess. He could tell. The look in his eyes he knew. Pulling up in behind Matt he went to see if he could help.

"I'm good. He passed out. I'm leaving his ass in the car." Cody laughed.

"Here's your keys. I'm heading home."

"Did you find Jess?"

"I saw her room light on when I pulled up. She must be home."

"Cutler was mumbling something about protecting Jess from the blood suckers."

"That boy needs some serious down time."

"I should suspend his ass for not signing out tonight."

"Just let him sleep it off. He'll feel bad enough in the morning." Cody headed toward home.

"Call me if Jess isn't home."

"I will." Cody knew she was home. He also knew that Cutler had seen her sometime between the time he stopped at the station and the time he got to the bar. Something pissed the man off. Something that Jess had been involved in. Going inside he headed upstairs. The light was on in Jess's room and the door slightly open. She was sitting on her bed playing with the sun that hung from a chain around her neck. She had never told him where she had gotten the necklace but after three years he thought he had an idea. He knocked softly on the door.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah. Mom and dad went to the city for the week end."

"I saw the note. Ethan stop by?"

"Yeah. It's finally over." She sat back and curled her legs under her.

"What happened?"

"What is it you boys say…I couldn't close the deal."

"Jess…"

"I know, over sharing." He sat next to her.

"When it's right it'll all fall into place."

"I hope so." She looked at her brother. "So how was your night?"

"Had some pizza, played some pool. Stopped Cutler from drinking himself into a coma."

"Cutler was drinking?"

"Yeah. He came into Marlines and hit the bar hard."

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, Matt came and picked him up."

"Good. Was he okay?"

"Yeah. He kept talking about telling her its okay. That it wouldn't always be this way. He told Matt we had to save you from the blood suckers. You have a clue what he was talking about?"

"Maybe." She didn't explain further. "Want to go downstairs and watch a scary movie and fall asleep on the couch?"

"You get the blankets, I'll get the pop corn." They both headed downstairs to a much quieter end of the night then the beginning.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*September 2, 1995*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

It was the last night Jess would be home till Thanksgiving. She had a huge work load this semester and she knew it was going to be hard to find anytime to spend with her family and friends. She opened the door to the station. Matt was sitting at the front desk.

"You all alone tonight?" Matt looked up.

"Yeah for an hour. I sent Izzy and Hart into town to get some supplies."

"Cutler around?"

"I haven't seen him since this morning."

"We have a standing date for ice cream on the day before I go back to school." Matt raised his eyebrows. "Not that kind of date. Jeeze, I kiss a man once and I can never live it down."

"Try the shed. His bikes been running rough the last few days and he can't find the problem."

"Why didn't he ask me?" Matt looked at her and shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe he forgot where you lived." Jess smiled.

"Cody's smart ass ware off on you?"

"Most days I try to avoid it but today I went with it."

"You coming to breakfast in the morning?"

"Yep. Don't eat all the banana pancakes if I'm late."

"I'll try not to." Jess headed out back and to the shed that housed the bikes, snowmobiles and four wheelers. She found Cutler elbow deep in grease and his bike in pieces all over the floor. "Did you have to blow it up first?" He looked up and frowned.

"What are you doing here?"

"We had a date remember?"

"Is it that time already?" Jess went to the tool box and pulled out her set of socket wrenches.

"Why didn't you just ask me to look at it Jimmy?" Cutler closed his eyes. In all the years he had know her she was the only one who was allowed to call him that on a regular basis.

"I knew you were busy packing." She looked at him and rolled her eyes.

"I can pack in thirty seven minutes." Jess started methodically putting pieces of the bike back together. "Did you have a hang over the other morning?" He watched. She didn't even look at half the parts.

"Yeah. Cody tell you he yanked me out of the bar?"

"You know Cody, if he thinks it will piss you off, he'll do it."

"How are you after the other night?" Jess looked at him over the bike.

"I can honestly say I'm fine. Thanks to you and Cody."

"I didn't do anything."

"You had my back when I wasn't thinking I needed someone to watch it." Tightening a bolt Jess slid closer to the bike. Her clean jeans getting greaser by the minute. "You and Cody convinced me that I wasn't bad at dating I'm just bad at picking those I date."

"Life lessons Jess. That's all they are." She smiled and looked at him over the bike.

"I guess." She was almost done putting the bike back together again. "Are we ever going to be okay Jimmy?" Wiping the spark plug on her pants she put it back where it belonged.

"We're fine Jess." She replaced the carburetor and a few more parts.

"If we were okay you would have met me for ice cream." She looked at him. "I can live with you hating me Cutler but I can't live with not knowing what I did for you to feel that way about me." Grabbing the rag off the floor she wiped her hands on it and mounted the bike. She started it with one kick. It ran as smooth as the day he brought home. He looked at her.

"I could never hate you Jess. You mean too much to me." He leaned against the work bench. "That's why I have to stay away from you." Jess looked confused. "I need you and your brother's in my life Jess. If I act on what I'm feeling right now I will loose what I have with the three of you. And your parents. You're all the family I have and I will not screw it up."

"Then let's get the hell out of here and have some ice cream." She got off the bike and wiped the seat. She reached for his hand. "I'm buying." He looked at her. Jess and her family were the only things good in his life and he wasn't going to screw it up if he could help it. Taking her hand they walked out of the shed and headed for ice cream.


	5. Chapter 5

Beginnings

Chapter Five

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*November 21, 1995*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cody loaded his bag into his truck. Jess stood at the curb. He looked so sad. She touched his cheek.

"I'll be home Wednesday night. Matt's coming to get me."

"I hate leaving you here Jess."

"You need to go. Benji needs you." Benji Flynn and Cody had been best friends for years. His father was killed in a plane crash when he was six and he had been part of the extended Hawkes family ever since. Now his mother was sick and he needed to get home. Cody didn't have anymore classes till next week so he offered him a ride.

"I can pick you up after your exam on Tuesday."

"Cody, I'm fine. Matt will be here Wednesday afternoon to pick me up. Don't worry about it."

"You've never spent the night alone."

"Cody...I'll be just fine. Call me when you get home." She hugged him. Going around to the passenger's side she touched Benji's cheek though the open window. "Take care of your self Benji. Tell your mom she's in my prayers."

"I wish you could come with us."

"Me too. But I have to take this test on Tuesday or I may have to retake the class." She kissed his cheek. "I'll be home as soon as I can." She went back around and stood on the curb. Waving goodbye Cody took off and Jess went back in the apartment. The phone was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Jess smiled.

"What's up?" She hadn't heard much from Cutler. A letter now and then and a phone call once in awhile.

"Not much. I just wanted to call and see how you were."

"I'm good. Cody and Benji just left. They should be there in a couple of hours."

"I heard about Benji's mom. Any word on how she's doing?"

"Hanging in there. I guess she didn't even feel sick. That's kind of scary."

"Yeah." Jess heard someone call Cutler's name. "Hey I gotta go. Talk to you Thursday."

"You're coming to dinner?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

"No reason. Bye." She hung up. Sliding down the wall she told herself he wasn't worth the tears that she had shed the last three months. The letters he wrote her were short but they had meaning. When he called he always made sure she heard the woman in the back ground. It didn't make sense in a lot of ways but it a lot of ways it did.

November 22, 1995

11:50 pm

Jess picked up the bottle and poured the last of the amber liquid in her glass. It was Tuesday night and most everyone had gone home for the Thanksgiving holiday. A handful of people lingered for one last party. Jess decided to join them. She chugged down the drink and it burned going down. Cleo, her next door neighbor slid next to her.

"Where are your hottie brother and your hottie room mate?"

"In cold Tahoe." Jess smiled.

"That's funny. Is this my place or your place?" She looked around.

"It's the hall." Jess giggled. "Betweem your place and my place." Cleo giggled.

"You said betweem."

"I need to...go home." Jess started crawling to her right. "Is this the way?" The phone started ringing in her apartment. Crawling faster she made it in the door but couldn't get to the phone before it stopped ringing. "Crap." Leaning on a chair she pushed herself up. The party was in full swing outside her door but Jess couldn't keep herself focused. The phone rang again she reached for it and fell off the chair. Laughing she pressed the talk button as she lay on the floor.

"Yeah."

"Jess?" Cutler's voice echoed in her head.

"Yep."

"Is something wrong?"

"Nope."

"Are you okay?"

"Is she there?"

"Who?"

"You know who."

"Yeah." Jess pushed the end button and got up staggering to the fridge. The phone rang again. Jess wanted to throw it but it was Benji's phone and she didn't want him mad at her. She pressed the talk button.

"I'm going to bed you bastard so just leave me alone."

"Jess."

"Does it make you feel like some kind of...man to call me with her lying next to you?"

"Jess are you drunk?"

"Not nearly. Just leave me alone."

"I was thinking about you and I just..."

"Just what Jimmy?" Jess grabbed a beer from the fridge and went to sit on the couch. "Just want to rub it in that you can get laid and I can't."

"Jess please..."

"Please what? Please stop acting like I'm twelve? Or maybe please stop caring about you? Or 'please forgive me Jess, I'm an ass'." She closed her eyes. "Don't call me. Don't write to me and please if you have any compassion for me please stay away from dinner on Thursday." Jess pressed end on the phone then pressed the on button and buried the phone under the couch cushion. She stood up unsteady on her feet and started to her bedroom. Turning around she threw the beer bottle in her hand across the room and it shattered into a million pieces against the wall.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-November 23. 1995*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

3:30 am

The room was dark when he entered using Cody's key. The party in the hall had ended a few hours ago but there were still signs that other's were going on in the building. He went into the kitchen to turn on the light above the stove. He heard glass grinding under his feet. Taking the flashlight out of his pocket he turned it on and saw the shattered bottle on floor. Taking a few more steps he reached and flipped the light on. The apartment was spotless except for the bottle and the blond lying on the floor just outside her bedroom. She was curled up with her shirt half way off and one boot kicked away. He checked her pulse. It was strong.

"Jess?" He whispered. Shaking her a bit he pushed her hair away from her face. "Jess wake up." Her eyes fluttered and she tried to sit up but he could tell the world was spinning for her. "Jess?" She opened her eyes. Smiling she tried to sit up but the rolling in her stomach left her half way in between sitting and sprawled out on the floor. He didn't have time to react before the contents of her stomached emptied on her and his boots. Closing his eyes he shook his head. Looking back down at the woman passed out at his feel he had to wonder if he should just leave her here and go or stay to have the fight he knew he needed to have. Taking off his coat and sliding off his boots he started cleaning up on of the biggest messes he had made in his life.

*-*-*-*-*-8:15 am*-*-*-*-*-

Jess awoke to a pounding head and a dry mouth. She realized at a young age that she and tequila didn't get along. But sometimes she didn't always remember that. She also didn't remember washing her hair or getting into her pajama's last night either. Things were really fuzzy after the fifth shot of Jose. The shades were down and the room was dark. Someone had turned on the air conditioning. Pulling up the blankets she didn't dare move in case her night of drinking started to come up again. Swallowing hard she tried to fall back asleep and try to remember what happened after that last shot.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*9;30 am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess stood in the doorway of her room. The beer bottle she remembered throwing was cleaned up and a warn pair of boots were next to the door. Jess looked to the couch. Jim Cutler lay sprawled out on it. The pounding in her head wouldn't stop. There was a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the table. Jess took the bottle and opened it and took four out of it and grabbed the water glass.

"Don't drink too much or it'll all come up." Jess turned to see Cutler awake, his blue eyes dull and emotionless.

"Thanks. What are you doing here?"

"I didn't like how we left things last night."

"Wow. You call me with a woman in you bed and you don't like the way we left things."

"You remember that?"

"It just came to me." She went to the sink and poured the rest of the water out just to keep from throwing the glass at his head. "Could you please just leave because my head is about to explode and it has nothing to do with the seven shots of tequila I had last night."

"No." He stood up. "I can't." Standing behind her he put his hands on her shoulders and she wanted so much to shrug them off but she didn't have the strength. He leaned over and whispered in her ear. "God help me Jess I can't." Clenching her jaw it took everything she had not to lean back and feel the warmth of his body against hers. His hand moved down her arm.

"Please just go."

"Jess..." His hands rubbed her upper arms and she couldn't fight it anymore. Leaning back she felt his warm hard body against her and she was lost. She turned around and met his lips in a kiss that she would remember long after he was gone from her life. Long after he broke her heart. The kiss lasted a lifetime and to Jess it was what she needed to open her heart again. Cutler pulled her close and ran his hands down her back. He knew he had to stop but right then it all felt right. Jess pulled away and looked into his eyes.

"I can't promise this won't end badly Jimmy. I just know that I can't go on pretending I don't give a damn anymore." He took her face in his hands.

"And I can't promise I'm not going to screw it up Jess but I can't go on pretending that you don't mean the world to me." He kissed her again. Leaning her against the counter. Jess knew he would break her heart but right now she didn't care. The apprehension she had felt with Ethan was gone. She wanted Cutler to touch her. To make her feel safe. She had to stop though. She knew she would hurt Matt but right now nothing seemed to matter but that moment. Pushing Cutler away she leaned against the counter.

"The room's spinning." She laughed. "Matt's picking me up at noon. You can stay or not." She pushed away from the counter and went to her dark room. Setting her alarm for eleven thirty she crawled under the covers and waited. If he came to her she knew that she could handle the heartbreak that would come later.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*9:45 am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cutler knew he was ten feet from making the biggest mistake of his life. Jess was his best friend's eighteen year old sister. She gave him an out. All he had to do was grab his boots and walk out the door. He wasn't that strong or that smart. Turning around he walked into Jess's dark room and closed the door. He went to the edge of the bed and got in beside her. She was lying with her back toward him and he pulled her close.

"Just let me hold you Jess. I can't make any promises right now but God help me I never want to hurt you." She didn't say anything her hand held on to his and he knew that it was going to be alright.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*11:30 am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The alarm woke Jess. She was alone in bed. She'd fallen asleep in Cutler's arms and it was the best sleep she had in a long time. Her bag was packed and ready to go when Matt got there so she wasn't in any hurry to get dressed. Things were going to okay between her and Cutler. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Things were going to work out she could feel it.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*12:45 pm*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt looked over at his sister. She looked tired but happy. From the looks of the hall way of the apartment she shared with Cody and Benji there must have been one hell of a party last night. By the looks of Jess she must have been there for part of it.

"You feel okay?"

"Yeah. How's Benji doing?"

"He doesn't want to go home. He's either at the hospital or on mom and dad's couch. How's school going?"

"Good. Phyc is kicking my butt but I'll get by."

"You'll do better then that Jess, you always do."

"Yeah, I guess." Matt knew there was a lot Jess wasn't saying. Or asking.

"He misses you." Jess turned and looked at her brother.

"Who?"

"You know who." Jess looked out at the trees passing by.

"He finds ways to fill the void."

"I can't believe I'm saying this and if you repeat it Jess I will deny every word. Jim Cutler is a jack ass. He always has been but we both know why. You and I are the only ones who understand that it's just the way he deals. But he's not the same lately. The booze and the women. Ever since you left he's been digging himself a hole. He does his job and when he's off the clock he's gone and if I needed him I'd never be able to use him let alone find him." Matt looked over at his sister. "If there is anything you can do to find out how we can help him please let me know."

"He's afraid we'll both end up hating him and he can't deal with it."

"Then tell him not to hurt you and its all good." She looked at her brother.

"What if I hurt him?"

"Then we deal with that when the time comes Jess. I need the man back Jess or I need to cut him loose." Jess hadn't realized how messed up Cutler had become.

"It's never going to work. We both know that."

"I know. Just try talking some sense into him please."

"I'll try." The rest of the trip was mostly done in silence.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-3:00 pm**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt pulled up to see Cutler's truck in front of the station. He hadn't been there when Matt had left so he was afraid they wouldn't see him till he was due back at work Friday morning. He took Jess's bag and brought it into his parent's house. Jess got out and stretched. Matt came back outside.

"Mom and dad went into town with Cody and Benji. If you want to take the truck and head over there you can."

"Maybe later. I'm going to find something to eat and a couple of aspirin."

"Okay. You know where I am if you change your mind."

"I'll eat and head your way. See how things are."

"Thanks." He walked in front of her. "It might be hard seeing him. If you can't deal just tell me and I'll send him packing." Jess closed her eyes and hugged him.

"We can't turn our back on him. Not now." Matt headed back to the station to see how bad of shape Cutler was in. He was in the kitchen with a cup of coffee doing some paper work.

"Hey Jim." He looked up and smiled. He had shaved and his eyes were actually more blue then red today.

"Hey. How was the drive?"

"Good." Matt got a cup of coffee and sat across from his friend.

"You stop for lunch?"

"No. Jess looked a little green when I picked her up."

"Oh. I thought maybe the three of us could have lunch."

"I got work to do but if you want I dropped Jess at home. I'm sure she'd love to see you."

"Maybe." He gathered up his paperwork.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Never better."

"Good." Matt watched him file the papers he had been working on and headed out the door. Matt picked up the phone and dialed his parent's house. Jess answered in four rings.

"Hello."

"Cutler's on his way there. He wants to take you to lunch."

"Oh, okay."

"He was smiling Jess. Be careful." Jess laughed.

"Okay. Thanks for the warning." Jess hung up the phone and went upstairs and put on her old sweats and a sweat shirt. She wasn't going to be able to keep anything down anyway so maybe if she looked like she felt Cutler would just want to sit and talk. Hearing the knock on the door she went downstairs. Opening the door she tried to look surprised.

"Feeling better?" Jess smiled.

"No. I still have a pounding headache."

"Then lunch might be out of the question."

"I think so. Could you give me a ride to the hospital?"

"You want to go see Benji's mom?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Just let me get my shoes." She turned and went upstairs. Maybe this morning had been a dream. The kiss, the way he held her while she fell asleep. Sitting on her bed she grabbed her shoes and started putting them on. When she looked up Cutler was in her door way.

"I want you to know that this morning meant more to me then you'll ever know Jess." He looked at her with his intense blue eyes. "I know you expected more but I didn't want it to be...you were hung over and..."

"Yeah...But isn't that how you like your woman?" Jess smiled. Cutler didn't.

"Jess if you're trying to be an ass you're succeeding."

"I've learned from the best."

"I didn't come up here to pick a fight Jess. I came up here to tell you when we do make love I don't want your head pounding and your stomach turning."

"You said 'when'."

"What did you think I would say?"

"If." He leaned against the door frame.

"Jess we passed 'if' when you melted in my arms back at your apartment." She stood up and he came to her and kissed her again like he did in Sacramento. And she melted again. Jess let herself be taken over by the feeling of him holding her, stroking her. She wanted him to lay her down on her bed and show her how to make love...make him feel like he made her feel. Pulling away he took her face in his hands. "We need to get to the hospital. I promise when the time is right Jess, I will make love to you." Kissing her gently on the lips Jess nodded and grabbed her jacket and they headed out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Beginnings

Chapter Six

December 22, 1995

Cody sat next Mallie Olson on the swing outside his parent's house. He had met her in his calculus class in the fall and he'd been dating her most of the semester. She lived just outside of Carson City and he really was starting to like her. Jess even liked her which didn't matter one way or the other but it made things a little easier when he took the girl home.

"Are finished with your Christmas shopping?" Mallie looked at him.

"Yeah. We make it easy. We give Jess the money and she does the shopping. It works out better that way."

"Who's that guy that picked her up this morning?"

"Cutler. He's works with our brother."

"Your brother approves?"

"Approves of what?"

"You're kidding right?"

"Mallie what are you talking about?"

"You sister and Cutler."

"They're friends Mal. Nothing more."

"I don't look at my friends the way that she looks at him. And if my male friends looked at me the way he looks at her I would have to slap them." Cody hadn't paid much attention to Jess or her habits lately. Between school, Mallie and going home with Benji on the week ends to see his mom he really hadn't talked to his sister much at all.

"Really Mallie, there is nothing between my sister and Cutler." He looked up to see Jess coming up the path from the Ranger station. She had a smile on her face he hadn't noticed in a really long time. Shaking his head he turned to Mallie.

"No. Jess would never do that to Matt. It would drive him nuts."

"Isn't that what little sisters do?" She said as Jess walked up the porch.

"Hi."

"Where have you been?" Jess smiled at her brother.

"Wrapping presents for the hospital kids with Robin and Matt."

"Where's Cutler?" Jess leaned against the railing.

"Working. Why?"

"No reason. He picked you up this morning at least he could do was drive you home." Jess looked at him.

"He brought me to breakfast and helped me finish my shopping before he had to go to work. Is this line of questioning leading somewhere?"

"No just wondering."

"Okay. You staying for dinner Mallie?"

"Yeah. It smells really good in there." Jess pushed off the railing.

"Great. I should get cleaned up and help mom set the table." She went inside. Cody looked at Mallie.

"She's hiding something."

"Told you so." She kissed him. "I'm always right about these things." Cody hoped she was wrong because if she was right it could only end badly.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess walked into the kitchen at the station with three plates of food. Her mother spoiled the Ranger's by feeding them almost every night but that's what her mother did. She set the plates down on the counter and went into the refrigerator for the milk. As she stood up two strong arms pulled her back and almost made her drop the milk.

"Hey…" Jess set the milk on the counter and turned around in her captors arms. "You going to scare me to death if you keep sneaking up on me Jimmy." He pressed her against the counter and kissed her.

"You had cherry pie for desert." Cutler said as he kissed down her neck.

"Cutler someone could walk in."

"Izzy and Hart are playing pool."

"And Matt and Robin?" He looked in her eyes. Standing up straight.

"I don't know." Jess smiled. "Thanks for bringing me dinner." He kissed her lightly on the lips.

"Anytime." She turned and headed out the door. "Robin and Matt are in the barn. They stopped there after dinner." Cutler groaned. "See you tomorrow."

"Not if I see you first Hawkes."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess sat on her bed reading her psychology text book. Her head was spinning with the facts and she set it down on her bed and closed her eyes. She heard a soft knock on the door.

"Come in." She said without opening her eyes.

"Busy?" Cody asked.

"Does it look like I'm busy Ace?"

"Kind of." She opened her eyes.

"What can I do for you?" Cody sat on the end of her bed.

"You've never lied to me, have you?" Jess looked at him. She hadn't. Kept things from him yes but never lied about anything. She shook her head.

"Are you and Cutler seeing each other?" Jess smiled.

"Yeah. Kind of. I don't know what to call it. I mean we saw each other at Thanksgiving and we talked on the phone while I was at school."

"Matt's going to pop a vain Jess."

"Matt knows kind of." She looked down at her hands. "Cutler was acting weird and asked if I would talk to him. I ended up kissing him."

"Jess…not cool."

"Cody…its Cutler. He's…I'm not reading anymore into then I should. I know it's not forever. Heck it might not be for the rest of the year. He can't hurt me."

"But Matt can hurt him."

"Matt has no say. I'm a big girl."

"Three months past your eighteenth birthday isn't a big girl Jess."

"Four months."

"Still not a grown up."

"Cody who's acting like a two year old now?"

"Jess Matt and Cutler are best friends. You'll mess up that and your relationship with Matt."

"Matt may not approve but it was his idea. Sort of."

"Telling you to talk to a friend isn't telling you 'Here Jess sleep with my best friend.'" He looked at her. "It would be like you dating Benji."

"I'm not sleeping with him Cody. Just because you sleep with everyone you date doesn't mean everyone has to." Cody looked at his sister.

"You mean…"

"No smart ass. We haven't." Cody didn't think there wasn't a woman in three counties and two states that was under forty Jim Cutler hadn't slept with. "I don't know if we ever will but if we do Cody James Hawkes it will be not of your business or Matt's."

"He'll break your heart Jess."

"Maybe I'll break his." Cody shook his head and stood up.

"Just remember with this one we won't be there to pick the pieces." He turned and went to his own room. Jess just turned off the light and went to sleep.

December 30, 1995

Jess rode Stella up to the ridge as fast as the palomino's legs would take her. It had been an extremely warm winter with little snow and they all knew that before years end they were in for a huge storm. Things were getting strange with Cutler and she had no one to talk to about. If she talked to Cody he would tell her to end it now. He had avoided her since Christmas day. He had dinner with the family and she hadn't been able to talk to him since. She heard another horse coming her way. She turned to see Matt on Prince.

"It's getting dark. Mom was worried you started up to the cabin."

"Why would I do that?"

"She said you've been quiet the last few days. She's worried when you get quiet. We all do." Jess smiled.

"You're just afraid of what's going though my head when my mouth isn't moving." Matt smiled.

"This is true."

"I was on my way down. I just want to enjoy the ridge before the snow falls."

"You like the snow."

"I know but I like the grass too." She looked at the sun setting in the west. "Do you want me to take the night shift on New Years?"

"You're volunteering?"

"Yeah. I have nothing better to do then answer a phone that never rings."

"You don't have to do that Jess."

"You guys need some time too. It sucks being on call all the time but when you're the best at what you do."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Just make sure everyone drinks responsibly."

"Thanks Jess. I owe you." He looked at his sister. Something was bothering her but he knew better then to press her. "If you need to talk…"

"I know." She kicked her horse gently and headed down the mountain. Matt followed, wondering what was going though her head.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 31, 1995*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess sat at the front desk of the Ranger station with her books spread in front of her. Matt had left about an hour ago and took most of the team with him. They were going to dinner and then out. Jess knew tonight wouldn't be busy. It never was. People tended to spend New Years Eve off the mountain and safely indoors. The door opened and Cutler came in. It was the first time Jess saw him almost a week.

"Hi." He looked like hell. Jess really didn't care.

"Hi. Matt and the other's are at dinner. They said to meet them at The Mandolyn."

"I know. I saw them. I'm sorry I haven't been around much this week."

"I really hadn't noticed." She pulled left leg up and grabbed the book she had open and attempted to read it.

"Jess…I just knew I couldn't be around you feeling the way I do. Cody's giving me dirty looks all the time. I didn't want you getting grief over it."

"I can handle Cody. You know that. I can handle the grief. I just can't handle your mood swings Jimmy." Slamming her book on the desk she stood up. "I'm not built that way." Grabbing the phone she headed into the kitchen. She took a deep breath when Cutler didn't follow. She really didn't need this. Having a whole week to put things in perspective Jess had decided that if he wanted this to work he would have to put a little more effort into it. She grabbed a cup of coffee and headed back to the desk. Cutler was sitting in the chair next to it.

"I tried leaving but I couldn't." He looked at her. "Jess I can't fight this anymore."

"Fight what?" He was going to say it if it killed him. By look on his face she thought it just might.

"For a kid you sure know how to play this game, don't you?"

"I don't play games Jimmy. I just put it out there and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

"No matter if hurts everyone you care about." Jess folded her arms over her chest and stood in front of Cutler.

"My parents and my brothers trust my judgment and they trust you."

"Not if I start sleeping with their precious Jess." Jess knew she was going to loose this. Cutler was even more stubborn then she was.

"You do what you have to do to make yourself feel like this isn't wrong. When you figure it out let me know but if you deicide that it's not worth fighting for just don't let your job suffer because Matt was one screw up from firing you last week until you shaped up. Don't disappoint him by messing up your life with the drinking and the whores." Jess took her coffee and the phone into Matt's office where she could be as far away from Jim Cutler as she could get without leaving the building.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cody knew he should have just walked in on the two of them but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Jess was pissed. She rarely got pissed at Cutler. Maybe that's what he needed to make him stop looking at her like she was desert. He waited another minute and opened the door. Cutler looked up from the chair next to the front desk.

"Hey Cody."

"Hey."

"I thought you were going to Carson City?"

"Mallie's parents are coming here for the week end so she's riding with them. Jess around?" Cody tried not to look to guilty.

"Matt's office."

"Thanks." Cody went to the office and inside, closing the door behind him. Jess was curled up on the end of the sofa that sat in the corner, holding the phone tightly against her chest. "Are you okay?" She looked up. Her eyes were red but there were no tears.

"I'm fine." She didn't say any more. "Could you not tell Matt what you heard?" He looked at her. "You think I don't know you were standing outside the door?"

"I'm sorry."

"Why should you be sorry? You told me the same thing he told me. I have to choose. My family or him."

"It's not like that Jess."

"Then tell me what it's like Cody. I can't have my brother's respect if I have a relationship with Cutler. Isn't that it?"

"Cutler is ten years older then you."

"Dad is twelve years older then mom. She was sixteen when they got married. Not that it means anything because I don't want to marry Cutler. Maybe in ten years but…I just want…" She looked at Cody. "I haven't felt a whole lot of anything since Terry. Then things with Ethan ended without much feeling." Jess looked at her shoes. "Cutler makes me feel things Cody. I know you don't want to hear that but I haven't felt much in a long time."

"I know." He sat on the table across from her. "I may not like the fact that he's a prick but you both seem to have a positive affect on each other. I just don't see it sitting to well with big brother."

"I know. That's the only thing keeping from letting it happen. That and he doesn't want to hurt Matt anymore then I do. He's trying to be the better man. I think I'll pack up tomorrow and head back to school. It'll be easier that way."

"Jess you'll be all alone for another whole week."

"Alone is better then miserable. Cody I can't be here and try to avoid him for eight days. I can't believe we made it past the last seven without even a glimpse of each other."

"Then I'll go back too." Jess smiled.

"No. You have plans with Mallie and Benji. I can take care of myself."

"Like you did the night before Thanksgiving break?" Jess smiled.

"I'm swearing off anything that is slightly alcoholic."

"Mom and dad don't see enough of you Jess. They're not going to like you leaving early."

"They know I over did my class load this semester. They'll understand."

"I hope so." Cody stood up. "I'm going to meet Mallie. I'll see you later." Cody got up. He knew he should just call Mallie and tell her he needed to stay home tonight but he figured Jess would just get irritated more then she was already was.

"Be safe." Jess smiled. She had left her books on the front desk but she didn't want to face Cutler again tonight. She went behind Matt's desk without looking out and started filing the files on his desk.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-January 1, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cutler watched Jess pack up her truck. He wasn't sure where he stood with her now but he knew it was for the best. Matt's friendship meant the world to him and he wasn't going to let his feelings for Jess get in the way. He knew Matt would be disappointed in him. Leaving the window he went to get himself some coffee.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt stood against Jess's truck. He relieved her this morning and she insisted on coming home to pack. Now with no sleep in the last twelve hours she was heading to Sacramento claiming she had studying to do. He watched her say good bye to their parents and walk over to the truck.

"Do they know you haven't slept?"

"Matt, I'm fine. I'll call when I get there if it makes you feel better."

"Please do. Did something happen last night?"

"Nope. I told you it was quiet."

"You had no plans yesterday to go back to school early."

"I just couldn't study here the last few days. Cody always wants me to go with him and Mallie. He thinks I'm becoming antisocial."

"So you leave to be alone for more then a week."

"Matt I just don't want to be here now okay. I need to be alone."

"That's not a good thing Jess." She looked into his blue eyes.

"I promise no tequila. I promise I will call you if I get lonely." She looked at him. "Matt just know its better I go now and leave it at that." He looked down at his boots.

"You know if you need anything I can be there in twenty minutes."

"Using the Ranger helicopter to come check on me is against the rules big brother." She smiled. "I'll be fine." Jess got into the truck. "I'll see you next week end when I come back and get Cody."

"Yeah." Jess left, hoping her feelings for Cutler would get left behind to.

January 2. 1996

Jess had her books spread out on the kitchen table. Her head was pounding and she couldn't focus anymore. Going to the bathroom she took four aspirin and popped them into her mouth. There was a knock at the door. Jess wasn't in the mood for good meaning friends right now. Heading to the door she hopped she looked at bad as she felt and they would just go away. She was shocked when she opened the door to Cutler standing on her front step.

"Hi."

"I'm not in the mood to deal with your crap today."

"I need to talk to you."

"Like I said I'm not in the mood. Come back in about a decade. Maybe by then I'll feel like talking to you again."

"I know I messed things up with us and I'm sorry. You're my friend Jess and I don't want to mess that up." He looked at her. "But I can't get the way I feel when you kiss me out of my head." He took her in his arms then and kissed her. Jess wasn't sure if she should stop or just give in to the feeling of him close to her for once. She gave in. It might have been the biggest mistake of her life but she would regret it later.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*January 3, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess rolled over and snuggled into the warm body next to her. She opened her eyes and inhaled his scent. Jess knew how this was going to end but right now she really didn't care. She'd known since she was fifteen that Jim Cutler was going to be her first. Closing her eyes she fell back to sleep dreaming of him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cutler knew he was making the biggest mistake of his life when he laid Jess down on her bed but he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't live without feeling what it was like to make love to her. Now he was going to have to live with the fact that he had made love to his best friends sister. And it had been her fist time. Jess snuggled closer to him and he held her close. Leaving now would be the best thing for both of them but he couldn't bring himself to let her go.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess woke up to the smell of coffee and eggs. Sitting up she looked for her robe and found it at the end of the bed. Putting it on she went out into the kitchen. Cutler was dressed, his black hair wet from the shower.

"Morning." She leaned against the door frame. Cutler turned and smiled.

"Morning. How'd you sleep?"

"Good. You?"

"Better then I have in a long time." He put eggs on two plates and reached into the cupboard for two cups. "Coffee?"

"Yeah, thanks." He poured her a cup and set it on the table and went back to the eggs. Jess sat and watched him. Did he regret last night? They were good enough friends she thought she could ask him. But maybe things were different now. He put toast on the two plates and set them on the table with his coffee.

"I hope your hungry." Jess smiled.

"You know me I could always eat." She dug into her eggs. If her mouth was full she couldn't say the wrong thing now could she? After about three minutes she couldn't take the silence and stopped filling her face. "You must have the week end off."

"Yeah me and Robin. She wanted to go to Vegas but I told her I had plans."

"You turned down a week end in Vegas with Robin." Cutler laughed.

"I don't think she was offering what you think. I think she just needed back up if her blind date turned out to be a looser. Her friend from LA was meeting her and set her up on a date." Cutler played with his eggs. "I'd rather be here, with you, anyway." Jess smiled.

"You such a lousy liar. You'd rather be anywhere but here right now." He looked at her. "It's okay. I get it. You did something your regret. I understand that." Jess could see it in his eyes.

"No. I know your going to find this hard to believe but it's the only thing I've done recently that I don't regret. I came here last night to make things right. I care about you Jess and last night was we both needed. Maybe I'm saying this wrong. I don't know anymore." Jess smiled the way she always had. A little innocent with a pinch of mischief.

"I needed to get over my fear of being hurt and you needed to get me out of your system. "

"It sounds cruel when you say it that way." He laughed.

"No. It's the truth. You needed to know what it was like to be with me and I needed to know what it was like to truly trust someone. I've always trusted you to do the right thing. Last night you did the right thing." She reached over and touched his hand. "You made last night special Jimmy." He closed his eyes. The way she said his name made his pulse quicken. "But I know that it can only be for now. This week end. Then we have to go back to our lives. Our family and friends don't need to know." Holding his hand tightly Jess stood up and lead him back to her bed. If this was going to be the one and only time she would have Cutler to herself she was going to make ever minute count.


	7. Chapter 7

Beginnings

Chapter Seven

April 15, 1996

Matt knew his something was going on with Jess but he wasn't sure what it was. She had been avoiding him more then usual and when he asked Cody what was going on he just shook his head and said he didn't know. She worked from sun up to sun down doing the little things that the team had neglected over the winter. She even fixed a few things that had been close to being trashed. Today she was under his truck changing the oil.

"When you have a minute Jess, I want to talk to you." Sliding out from under the truck she looked up.

"What's up?"

"You tell me." Sitting up she wiped her hands on the towel she had next to her.

"Nothing as far as I know." Jess stood up. "Why?"

"You've been working your ass of since you got home for spring break and when you're not working your studying. Jess your going to burn yourself out."

"I like working. It keeps me out of trouble."

"You find trouble no matter how busy you are. You're looking for things to do Jess. It's not normal for anyone, especially you." Matt leaned against the truck.

"I like doing things that make me feel useful."

"Your feeling guilty for something. You had that same look when you broke my jaw."

"I'm not feeling guilty." She smiled. "Just doing my part to make the team run smoothly."

"You do realize that your internship doesn't start till June."

"Extra credit." Grabbing the oil she set it on the engine and climbed up on the bumper. "Don't try to see the wrong in everything I do Matt. It just makes it harder on the both of us." Matt cursed himself. Thinking he was trying to help he had only made things worse.

"Jess…I didn't mean…"

"Whatever." Opening the first quart of oil she twisted the cap off the trucks oil tank and started poring. Matt gave up and headed into the office. Cutler was behind the front desk.

"What the hell is wrong with Jess?" Matt looked at his friend. Cutler looked up from the book he was reading.

"I didn't know there was anything wrong with her. We had dinner last night. She seemed fine." Matt looked at his friend.

"You had dinner with my sister?"

"Once a week for the last three months. I thought you knew."

"I guess…maybe…has she said why she's doing all the crap work around here without being told."

"She's trying to earn brownie points with you I guess." Matt sat down.

"She's burning herself out."

"She seemed fine last night. That forensic class she was supposed to take this summer was cancelled so she had to get it in this semester so she's had a pretty hefty work load." Matt looked at his friend.

"How come you know this and I don't?"

"Because I talk to her Matt. When was the last time you sat down and had a conversation with your sister?"

"We talk."

"Yeah sure you do. You're here all the time and when she's here she's trying so hard to make you notice what a great job she's doing that you never have time to say two words to each other. I know you and Cody have talked about a spot for him when he finish's school but have you talked to Jess?"

"Last I heard she wanted to get as far away from here as possible."

"That was two years ago. Things change Matt."

"She's meant for bigger things Jimmy. This mountain would just hold her back."

"What about Cody?"

"He was born here. He doesn't know anything but these mountains. Jess needs to spread her wings. She needs to find her place. And it's not here." Matt didn't know it but Jess was walking in from the kitchen. Taking a step back she clenched her teeth. She always knew Matt didn't want her there now she knew for sure. Grabbing her backpack off the hook in the back she left the Ranger station planning on never setting foot inside again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*April 16. 1996-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cutler unlocked his door and threw the key on the table. It had been a long day. To top it off he hadn't heard from Jess since yesterday and Matt was getting worried. He knew where she'd end up. Sooner or later she would come looking for him. She always did. Jess had a key to his apartment and he knew she had slept there the last night because his pillow had smelled like sweet lilacs. Hanging up his coat he grabbed a beer and checked his messages. Nothing from Jess but sooner or later she would come to her senses and call him or Cody. The phone rang. Cutler smiled. He knew she couldn't hold out.

"Hello."

"Cutler, its Cody."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Please tell me Jess is with you?"

"Sorry, I haven't talked to her since yesterday." Cody swore.

"I tried school, all her friends. I even tried Ethan."

"Cody, I'm sure she's fine. Matt was riding her about taking some time off so maybe she did just that."

"Without telling me or you? Cutler I really don't care what's going on between you and my sister I just want to know where she is."

"Your sister is my friend and last time I checked so were you. I wouldn't keep something like that from you Cody. I know you worry. How are your parents?"

"They think she's throwing a tantrum and is just at school and not answering."

"If it's worth anything she probably slept here last night while I was at work."

"Then she's still in town."

"She was last night. I came home for a pair of boots and my bed had been slept in."

"We'll if you see her tell her to come home."

"I will."

"Thanks." Cody hung up. Cutler sat at the kitchen table. If Jess was hiding no one would find her. Grabbing his keys he headed back out the door.

**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess curled up on the couch in front of the fire place. She would miss her father's cabin on the mountain when she was gone. She needed the internship with the Rangers this summer or she would have left back for school and never come home. The door opened and she knew he had found her. He always knew where to find her.

"Cody and Matt are worried about you."

"Matt can go to hell. Cody worries too much." Cutler hung his pack and jacket up on the hook and took off his boots.

"What happened Jess?" He sat down on the end of the couch.

"Why does he hate me so much?"

"Who?"

"Matt." Cutler looked at her.

"Matt doesn't hate you Jess. What makes you thing your brother would hate you?"

"I can't ever do anything right with him. I try to show him that this is where I want to be but he keeps pushing me away."

"He wants you to see that there's something else out there other then these mountains. I don't agree with him but I see where he's going. He wants you to have a choice."

"I choose to be here. I choose to go to college with Cody so I could leave but…you know I could never not come home again." The tears welled up in Jess's eyes. "What did I do to make him not want me Cutler?" He took her into his arms.

"Jess baby he just wants what best for you."

"Then why can't he see that here is where am at my best." Jess cried for the first time in a long time. Cutler knew that it would be a long time before Jess would forgive Matt for what he had done. Jess cried herself to sleep in his arms. Laying her down he covered her up and went to the radio.

"Flash to Ranger base, come in Ranger base."

"Frost Bite here Flash, I thought you were off today."

"I am. Call Cody and tell him Jess is safe. I'll bring her home in the morning."

"Okay. Should I relay the message to the boss?"

"Sure. Tell him I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Cutler..."

"Just do it Robin. Flash out." He would be catching hell for this but right now all that mattered was getting Jess safely home. He went back downstairs and made sure she was covered up and settled into Jesse's old recliner and tried to get some much needed sleep.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess watched Cutler sleep. She knew he would come and find her. She also knew he wouldn't take sides and that's what she needed. Cody would get into a fight with Matt if he knew how she felt and she didn't want that. She never wanted to get between her brothers this way. Jess knew she had to go home in the morning and face Matt. All he would get out of her is that she was taking his advice and took a couple of days off.

"How are you doing?" Cutler opened his eyes.

"Better." She got up and crawled next to him in her father's overstuffed chair. Since he came to Sacramento the day after New Years they had become better friends. They had dinner once a week and talked about everything. And they held each other's hand when they needed it. Tonight Jess needed his warmth. Cutler pulled the blanket over them and kissed the top of her head.

"Sweet dreams Jess."

"You too Jimmy." She snuggled closer and fell back into a dreamless sleep.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*April 17, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess got off the back of Cutler's snowmobile at her parents house. She knew she was going to get yelled at. She deserved it. All it would have taken was a note saying she'd be back in a couple of days and they would have been okay with it. Well at least her parents and Cody would of. She slipped inside the door and hoped her parents were out. He father came from the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand.

"'Bout time you showed up."

"Sorry I didn't leave a note."

"Cody nearly went crazy with worry."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Just tell him you're going next time." Jesse turned back to the kitchen. Jess headed up to her room. Cody was waiting at her door.

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know. Matt wants to see you in his office when you get a chance." He turned and walked into his room and slammed the door. She could take just about anything but Cody mad at her. Jess threw her bag on the bed and changed into her work clothes. Five more months and she wouldn't have to worry about Matt. She would be free of his judgmental attitude and whatever she did to piss him off would be long gone.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt sat at his desk. Jess knocked on the door. She almost turned and walked away but she knew she had to get this over with.

"How was your two days off?" He looked at her.

"Restful. I'm glad I took your advice."

"Good. There's a rock slide on the base of Mount Price. I need you to answer the phones."

"You got it." She turned to leave.

"Jess." Turning around she looked at him. "I'm sorry. If I made it sound like I was pushing you to take some time off. I was just worried you'd burn yourself out."

"You won't have to worry much longer. I'd apply for an apprentice someplace else if it wasn't such short notice. By next fall I'll be out of your hair for good." Jess walked out the door and Matt watched her go. He didn't mean for things to go the way they had but he knew the more uncomfortable she felt here the less it would take her to leave the mountains and find her place in the world.

*-*-*-***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-June 5, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess pushed the hay down from the loft. Her head was pounding and she felt like she could just curl up in a corner and die. No human should feel this crappy and still be alive. She never got sick so she wasn't sure what was going on but she knew it wasn't going to be good. Jess swallowed hard. She couldn't be sick. Not today. Not with everything riding on the next three months. She had to prove to Matt that this was the place for her. As she made her way down the ladder the earth started to spin way to fast. Jess knew she wasn't going to make it to the bottom when her hands let go of the ladder like they had a mind of their own and she couldn't stop herself from crashing to the ground.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt headed out to the barn. Jess had come in early to clean out the stalls and he wanted her to go into town with Robin and get some supplies. She hadn't talked to him much in the last two months but he knew maybe that was for the best. She would thank him someday but till then it would be hard on the whole family. Walking in the barn a bail of hay came down from the loft, just missing him. He was going to say something but her heard Jess coming down the latter and didn't want to scare her into falling. He didn't have to worry about that. She was four steps from the bottom when her hands let go. If he had been a few feet farther away she would have hit the ground hard. Catching her just before her head hit the concrete barn floor.

"Jess?" He looked at her pale skin. "Jess!" Matt tore off his glove and felt her forehead. She was burning up. Laying her down he yelled for Robin who was at the utility shed. She came running in. "She must have passed out." Robin checked her pulse.

"Go get my bag from the truck." Matt got up and headed outside. Cody was coming up the drive with Benji. He saw the stricken look on his brother's face.

"What's wrong?"

"Jess was up in the loft. She started to come down and she passed out. Robin's with her. I'm getting her bag." Cody ran into the barn.

"Robin?" She looked up.

"When was the last time she ate or drank anything?" Cody shook his head.

"I haven't seen her since yesterday morning." Matt came in with Robin's bag.

"We need to get her to the hospital. Now!"

"Frank's on the other side of the lake. "

"I can fly." Matt looked at Cody.

"What?"

"Both me and Jess got our licenses last fall. I can fly to the hospital Matt. It'll save twenty minutes." Matt looked at his brother and then Robin.

"She won't make it if we drive Matt." He looked at Jess.

"Start the chopper but so help me God you screw this up Cody and you'll never walk again let alone fly." Cody raised his right hand.

"I swear." He got up and he and Flynn headed to the chopper.

"It's that bad?"

"She's dehydrated and her temp is at a hundred and three. How long has she been out here?"

"I heard her come in at six. She didn't say anything. Just came straight out here."

"It's almost nine." Benji brought in the back board.

"Cody said he's ready to go. He radioed Tahoe General. They're standing by for Robin's assessment." Benji helped Matt put Jess on the back board. They carried her to the helicopter.

"Benji, find Cutler. Tell him what happened and see if he talked to Jess this morning." Benji nodded and headed toward the station as Matt and Robin loaded Jess into the helicopter. Robin got in the back and Matt buckled in the front. "Let's do this." He looked at his brother.

"You really don't trust me do you?" Cody lifted off smoothly and turned the helicopter in the direction of the hospital.

"Never had a doubt in my mind you could do it." Matt cringed when they hit an air pocket.

"Liar. Tahoe General I'm in route ETA seven minutes"

"Ten four HMR Medivac." Cody maneuvered the aircraft to the hospital helicopter pad in less then five minutes. As he touched down he heard Robin call out.

"She's not breathing." The emergency team came with a gurney. They whisked her away as Cody shut down the engine and Matt and Robin followed. Cody grabbed the radio and called the station.

"HMR base, come in."

"Flash here Cody. Benji found me. How's Jess?"

"Not good."

"I had dinner with her last night and we were home by eleven. She was fine when I left her."

"Thanks. I'll call you when I know something."

"Please." Cody heard the strain in the older man voice. Jess meant a lot to a lot of people. Especially him. Getting out of the chopper he headed into the hospital. Matt and Robin were watching them work on Jess.

"What's going on?" Matt looked at his brother.

"They had it put a vent in."

"Someone should call mom and dad."

"They're camping up at Big Bear. I'll call the ranger station when we know more." Matt swallowed hard and prayed. He wanted Jess to have a chance at a life away from the mountains and now she may never get that chance. For twenty minutes the doctors worked without even looking there way. Cody couldn't watch anymore. He walked to the waiting room. Five minutes later the doctor came out.

"Matt…Robin…Cody."

"Hey doc. How is she?"

"She's dehydrated. Her temp spiked at a hundred and four point six. Has she been out of the country recently?"

"No. She was at school till last week end."

"Mexico maybe?" Cody shook his head.

"Not since last summer."

"Does she drink tequila?" The doctor looked at Cody.

"Not since before Thanksgiving. She can't handle it very well."

"Doc what do you think is wrong with her?" Matt needed to know more then what the doctor was sharing.

"The blood test all point to a bacterial infection that is found in someone who's visited a third world country. We've also found the poison that causes it in the worms found in the bottom of tequila bottles. We have her on a course of antibiotics. Her fever isn't going down as fast as we'd like. The longer her fever is this high the higher the chances are of something happening to her."

"Like what?"

"Brain damage or she may slip into a coma." Cody's face turned ashen. He took three steps back and turned around and headed out the door. Matt watched him go.

"Go." Robin said. Matt followed his brother outside. He was leaning against the wall breathing hard.

"This is your fault."

"Cody…"

"Do you know since spring break I haven't seen her more then an few hours a week? She's busting her ass taking a course load that would kill most people and trying to please you and now it's killing her."

"Come on Cody. You know this isn't my fault." Cody looked at his brother and glared at him.

"You had to push her away didn't you?"

"She deserves to find out what's over these mountains Cody. Weather you like it or not." Matt looked at the sun peeking over the mountain top. "What's it going to do to her when you tell her you're leaving?"

"She knows I can't finish my training without help. She'll understand."

"You think it's going to be that easy."

"I don't know how it's going to be now. " Cody looked up. "All I know is I don't like what's happened to her since your little push off the mountain. She should make her own choice Matt. It's her life."

"I just want her to know there's more to life then this place. I came back because I wanted to. Let her make the same choice."

"What about me?"

"You're leaving."

"But I'm coming back."

"Maybe you'll like what you see out there and everything will be different. We need to get her though this and we'll work the other stuff out later. I need to call mom and dad." Matt turned and went back into the hospital. Cody took a deep breath and headed to the chapel. He hadn't done enough praying lately. Maybe this was his punishment for keeping things from his best friend.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jim Cutler sat by Jess's bedside and held her hand. He had left her less then sixteen hours ago and she was fine. They had dinner and shot some pool. They had gotten home before eleven. He had kissed her on her front porch. It was the first kiss they shared in a long time. She had melted into his arms like she always did. A weaker man would have taken her to bed but he knew he couldn't. She pulled away and her brown eyes were full of understanding. Kissing him one more time she went inside without saying a word. That was the way they were these days. They kissed, they teased, they talked and they laughed. Nothing more. Nothing less.

"Any change." Cutler looked up to see Matt standing in the door way.

"Temps down to a hundred and one."

"That's good."

"Yeah. Every now and then she squeezes my hand." Matt looked at his sister.

"You're the only one she talks to now."

"I'm the only one not pushing her away."

"But you understand why I'm doing it, don't you?"

"I ran from my family as fast and as far as I could Matt. You have this awesome family that loves you and makes you want to stay near them. Why would you push her away?"

"I just want her to know that there's more to life then this Cutler."

"She knows and she still wants to be here." Cutler put her hand down and stood up. "I have to get back to work. Call me if she wakes up." Matt stopped him.

"I'm not the bad guy Jim."

"Tell that to the girl lying in that bed." Cutler pushed passed him. This wasn't his fault. Jess didn't get sick because he was making her go out into the world. He sat next to her. She had always been a light in their lives. Even when she didn't live with them. His parents got back together every summer when she came to visit. Then fall came and their father took Cody back up into the mountains and with spring they would start all over again. It was killing him to push her away but he had to for or own good. Standing up he started to leave but he felt her reach out. Turning her brown eyes were open.

"Jess." She grasp his hand. "Don't try to talk. You have a resporator in. I'll get the doctor." Jess let go of his hand. Matt called for the doctor and went back to Jess. "He's on his way." He held her hand. "You scared the hell out of us, you know that." She closed her eyes. "Hey don't fade out on me again." She shook her head. The doctor came in.

"Jess…good to see you awake." The doctor came to the bed. He checked her vital signs. "Looks good. Are you ready for that tube to come out?" She nodded. "Okay, take a deep breath and when your breath out push hard." Jess did as she was told and the doctor removed the tube. "What's your name?"

"Jesse Lynn Hawkes."

"What year is it?"

"Nineteen ninety six."

"What do you remember about before you passed out?"

"I was hauling hay from the loft. I got the last bale and started down the latter. I lost all feeling in my hands and I let go of the railing."

"When did you start feeling ill?"

"About seven or so." Matt looked at the doctor.

"It came on that fast."

"Yeah…I was lifting hay bails and my head started pounding and I got warm." The doctor looked at Matt.

"I'm going to send somebody from my lab to your barn. If it was a spore in the hay it would of taken longer to spread. I asked your brother's but I'm going to ask you. Have you been out of the country?"

"No. Not in over a year."

"Ate the worm from a tequila bottle?"

"Ewww…no way." Matt laughed. The doctor looked at his chart then at Jess.

"Rest now. We'll figure this out." He left the room.

"I'll go get Cody. He had to bring back the chopper to the station."

"You let him fly?" Matt looked at his sister.

"It was either that or loose you."

"Was it a hard choice?" She whispered.

"You know the answer."

"I don't want to fight Matt. I'll leave at the end of summer and go where ever you want me to go after I graduate. I just can't fight anymore." He looked at her.

"Okay. No more fighting."

"You didn't call mom and dad back from their trip did you?"

"I couldn't raise the Ranger station so I was going to have Frank fly down there."

"Don't. They'll be home tomorrow. No need to worry them."

"You're their baby Jess." She smiled.

"Just don't."

"They'll be mad."

"I just can't deal with the drama. Cody and Cutler are going to cause enough."

"Okay but if your not out of here by the time the get back there will be drama." Jess closed her eyes.

"I'll deal with it then for now I just want to sleep." The drama never really came. Jess was out of the hospital the next morning no closer to finding out why she had gotten so ill so quickly. The summer was busy and hot but it was the fall that would bring the High Mountain drama no one was ready for.


	8. Chapter 8

Beginnings

Chapter Eight

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-September 24, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess looked out at the lake. It had been a long time since she had been there. She lived and worked around it everyday for the past seven years and had enjoyed its beauty but lately she never made the time to just watch the sunset. She felt two arms wrap around her. She leaned back and closed here eyes breathing in his scent.

"Why all the secrecy?" Cutler whispered in her ear.

"I just wanted to know one person in my life didn't desert me."

"You know I'm always here Jess." She nodded. Today she had found out that in six months Cody would be leaving to join the Marines. Leaving her to go out in the world alone…again. "He'll come back Jess."

"You can't know that for sure."

"I know that Cody is one hell of a survivor. This is something he needs to do Jess."

"I can't be alone again."

"Jess your never alone. You have me and Benji and Matt and your parents." Cutler knew this was killing her inside. He knew what her birth parents had done to her had affected her more then anyone, even Cody knew. "Did you tell Cody you were coming home?"

"I told Benji."

"Okay. Let's grab some dinner and we can talk." She turned around and looked into his blue eyes.

"I don't want to talk." She kissed him. He didn't argue but he knew where this was going and as much as he need her, now wasn't the time. He pulled away.

"Jess, not like this, not now. Let's talk. I know you need to get it off your chest. Between the crap with Matt and now Cody." She smiled.

"Do women really say no to you James Cutler?"

"Now and then…yes. Now let's get a burger and you can bash your brothers till you feel better." He took her hand and they walked off the dock and headed to the diner.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess took a bite out of her burger and looked out the window of her mother's diner. It felt good to be home, here with Cutler. Even when things with her family were crappy he stood by her and made things a little easier to bear. He understood a screwed up family life. His made hers look like Christmas.

"He's not leaving till February Jess. You can't stay mad at him till then."

"Watch me." Taking a fry, she broke it in half and dipped it in the mayo in front of her. "You know I hold a grudge."

"I know you like to think you're a bitch but your not. You can't stay mad at anyone longer then a couple of months and you can't stay mad at Cody longer then a day."

"He could have told me six months ago when he decided he wanted to do this. I would have been mad but I would have gotten over it sooner."

"Right. You know he needs this to finish school."

"I know. I just…there's easier ways."

"It was your dad's way." Jess sat back and took her milk shake and took a long drink.

"He could die."

"We all could die Jess. Did you fill out the applications Matt sent you?" She glared at him.

"Yes. If I find out your helping him you know what I'll do to you." Cutler smiled. She did like to threaten.

"He's the one with all the connections. I just type the addresses on the envelopes." Jess laughed.

"Thank you for being here for me Jimmy." He looked at her.

"You know I'd do anything for you Jess. Don't be mad at Cody. He won't understand why." Cutler was the only one that knew about her parents not wanting her as a child. If she told her brother it would only make him angry at people who were dead and gone. The front door opened and her father walked in.

"I so didn't need this now." Cutler turned around and saw Jesse.

"Too late to hide sunshine." He walked to their table.

"Jess, Jim."

"Hi dad."

"Jesse."

"Home on a school night?"

"I don't have a class till noon tomorrow."

"Your mother and I are heading out to Big Bear. We didn't know you'd be coming home."

"I didn't plan on coming home when I left. I just needed to drive and this is where I ended up. I might go back tonight yet."

"Jim may I have a minute with my daughter?"

"Yes sir." Cutler stood and headed to the back of the restaurant. Jesse slid in across from her.

"Your brother made a choice Jess and I know you don't agree with it but its Cody's choice to make."

"I know dad. It's his life I get it. I just don't have to like the fact he may never come home again." Jesse looked at his youngest child. He knew that she had depended too much on Cody's support to make it though the rough patches in her life but he thought she would have outgrown it. Neither one of them had.

"Cody will always come home Jess. You know that."

"I know that the next time it might be in a body bag." Jess was angry and Jesse knew when his daughter got angry it wasn't going end well.

"We all make choices in our lives that don't please everyone in them. Don't hold him back Jess. It'll only make you both miserable. You know I don't take sides but I have to this time. Let him go and don't make it harder then it already is on him." He stood up and kissed his daughter on the forehead. "I love you Jess."

"I love you do dad." She watched him walk away. Cutler slid back into his seat.

"Are you going to be okay?" She wasn't. Not for a very long time. She got up and paid the bill and walked out of the diner as the sun was setting. Cutler followed.

"I should get back to school." Her eyes were red.

"You can't drive if you're upset." He lifted her chin up to look her in the eye. "You can stay at my place." Cutler knew he was walking on thin ice. Alone in his apartment there would be no stopping himself from making love to her again. Maybe it's what they both needed today. Something to get her mind off of Cody and his mind off her.

"I can't promise I'll behave myself." He looked at her. His eyes deep blue.

"No one is asking you to." She smiled. Cutler opened the passenger side door and she got in. He wanted to kiss her but he knew all eyes from the diner were on them and right now neither one of them needed that kind of drama. Shutting the door he went around the truck hoping he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-September 25, 1996*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess tied her shoe and leaned over and kissed the sleeping man next to her. He rolled over and pulled her back down on the bed.

"I have to go." She whispered. The last time they had a whole week end to get each other out of their systems. One night wasn't enough. "I'll come back after my classes." He opened his eyes.

"You better not. It's a long drive and Matt will wonder if he sees you in town two nights in a row." He kissed her again. "Please make up with Cody. Make all our lives a little easier. Yours especially."

"I can't promise anything. Not even to you James Cutler." She kissed him one more time and got up. "I'll call you tonight." He watched Jess leave and he wished things were different. He wished she wasn't his best friends sister, he wished she wasn't nineteen and he wished that he didn't love her so damn much it hurt. Turning over he tried to get back to sleep but every time he closed his eyes he dreamed of her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess unlocked the door. It was only nine o'clock but she knew Cody had an early meteorology class this morning so he should be gone. But he wasn't. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

"Morning." She said as she walked into her room to throw her bag down.

"How's Cutler?" Jess looked at him.

"Fine. How was your night?"

"I've had better." Jess wanted to laugh. It was going to be a long six months if this is the way things were going to be.

"Sorry to here that. Mallie stand you up." Jess was aiming to piss him off good and she knew exactly how to do it.

"No. She came over. You were supposed to come with us to the movies."

"Sorry. I went for a drive and ended up on the lake. I couldn't pull myself away." She leaded against the door frame. "Did I miss something great?" Cody looked at her. The emotion in his eyes was almost scaring her.

"So you just decided to drive home in the middle of the week." She smiled.

"Yeah. I miss fall in Tahoe. I think that's what I'll miss the most." Jess had known since she was six that she could bring Cody to his knees if she played the sad little girl but she wasn't playing that game anymore. She wanted him angry and the more she talked the more she saw that storm brewing in her brother's eyes.

"It's always going to be there Jess. Every year fall comes and goes."

"True. But we'll not always be there to enjoy it."

"Why do you insist on setting yourself up to get hurt Jess?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Sleeping with Cutler is only going to end badly, you know that don't you?" Jess looked down at her boots and then at her brother.

"If I want to risk it, why should you care? I don't stick my nose in your relationship with Mallie."

"Mallie isn't my brother's best friend."

"It's not like I'm screwing Benji Cody. Matt doesn't want me around anyway so chalking up one more thing for him to be disappointed in me for won't make a whole hell of a lot of difference." He glared at her now.

"Matt cares about you more then you know Jess and pissing him off isn't the answer to your problems with him."

"You may say that but you don't know. At least I know where I stand with Matt. I know he doesn't care about me or what I do with my life. You on the other hand had me fooled you actually cared." Jess picked up her bag and her back pack. "I'm going to stay with Cleo for a few days." Cody didn't try to stop her. He knew as angry as he was right now he would say things he could never take back and he really didn't want to go there right now.

*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess slammed her fist into the bag as hard as she could. After her fight with Cody she should of just driven back home and locked herself in her bedroom till her parents got back from their vacation. She would have peace and quiet enough to think things out. Instead she was at the gym taking out her anger on a poor punching bag. She continued punching and kicking the bag till she didn't have anything left in her. Leaning against the wall she slid down and took a long drink of water.

"Remind me never to get you pissed off at me." Jess looked up. A blond man stood in front of her.

"I don't even know you, so why would you piss me off?"

"We met once. I went to school with your brother Matt." Jess tried to place the older man.

"Cole Kitrick."

"Yeah. Your brother said you were tough. I was in the area and had to see for myself." Jess stood.

"You're the Secret Service agent?"

"Yeah. How would you feel about starting training next summer? We have an opening. I looked at your transcripts and if you keep up what you've been doing we may have a place for you."

"I won't be twenty-one for another year and a half."

"With your skills we want to scoop you up before anyone else does. We have a wide number of classes you can take to keep you busy till your old enough." He looked at her. "It won't be easy but Matt says you like a sponge when it comes to learning new things and we need somebody like that on our team."

"Can I think it over?" Cole smiled.

"Don't take to long. There are a hundred other people willing to snap this offer up." Jess didn't have to ask anyone's permission. Washington DC was about as far away as she cold get from the mountains.

"Just let me make a call and I promise I'll get back to you." He handed her a card.

"Take a shower first." He smiled.

"I'll call you tonight." Jess grabbed her water bottle and headed to the showers. It was a good offer. She would have an extra year and half of training. She showered and headed to Cleo's to make a phone call. The phone rang three times before it was answered.

"High Mountain Ranges, Kelly speaking."

"Hey Robin. Is Cutler around?"

"Yeah, hold on Jess." She waited a minute before she heard his voice.

"Cutler."

"Miss me yet."

"Every minute you're gone."

"You're such a liar Jimmy. I got a job offer."

"Really. I didn't think you were looking."

"You know I wasn't. The Secret Service."

"Jess that's great. Are you going to take it?"

"It'll get me off the mountain like Matt wants."

"What do you want Jess?"

"I don't know. Cody will be gone. You're the only thing I have left."

"I'll be here when you get back Jess. No matter how long you're gone."

"I know." Jess knew that he was lying to her. He would find someone else as soon as she left California, if he hadn't already. "That's all I wanted. Goodbye Jimmy." She hung up before he could say anything else. She got Kitrick's card out of her pocket and made the biggest decision of her life.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-November 27, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess helped her mom with dinner. She tried to be cheerful and bright but she wasn't really feeling it. She hadn't talked to Cody in weeks and Matt wouldn't even look at her. It's a wonder their parents hadn't locked the three of them in a room to fight it out.

"Earth to Jess." She looked up. Her mother was talking to her and she didn't even know.

"Sorry mom. What were you saying?"

"Cody's bringing Mallie to dinner."

"Good. I like her."

"What's bothering you baby?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"If you say so." Jess brought the rolls out to the table. The door bell rang and Jess went to answer it. Cutler and Izzy stood out on the porch.

"Thank goodness. I thought friendly faces would never get here." She let them in.

"You really should kiss and make up Jess. Christmas break is going to be a long three weeks." Cutler took off his jacket. She rolled her eyes.

"You sound like my dad." They followed her into the dinning room. "The men are gathering in the living room. Feel free to join them." Izzy left but Cutler stayed and helped her set the table.

"You still living at Cloe's?"

"No. I moved back into my room. I don't spend much time there but either does Cody."

"Have you even talked to him about your job offer?"

"Like he cares." Cody walked in just then.

"Matt needs Cutler to settle a bet." Cutler handed Cody the silver ware he was setting out.

"Fight nice kids." Jess glared at Cutler's retreating form. She finished setting out the plates.

"Jess…"

"Cody I really can't do this now."

"Are you ever going to forgive me?" She looked at him.

"What's to forgive? It's your life Cody."

"It seems to be affecting your life."

"Not in the least. You leaving for four or more years and I'm going to be leaving in June so who cares right."

"Jess…I didn't want you to think I'm just leaving because I want to. If there was a way I could get this training anywhere else you know I would."

"No you wouldn't. This is your dream Cody. This is what you wanted to do with your life. I understand that. I just…" How could she tell him that it scared her to be alone again? How could she do that without telling him about her parents?

"You just what Jess?"

"I just don't know if I can be happy for you." She looked down. "And that makes me feel like I'm a bad person."

"You're not a bad person Jess."

"You don't know that."

"I've known you your whole life. There's not a bad bone in your body. Can we call a truce for the holidays? Mom and dad don't need to know that you're mad at me. It'll only make things worse."

"We have to be the only two people in the world who actually do fight nice. I promise not to bring up your desertion while mom and dad are around." She smiled and went back into the kitchen.

"I'm not deserting you…" Cody shook his head. He knew this wasn't going to be easy but it had been two months and she still was mad at him. She never stayed mad at him. Matt came in.

"Is she still not talking to you?"

"How did I get in the same boat as you?"

"You went and did something without checking with her." Cody looked at Matt.

"You're an ass you know that?"

"Yeah, I know." He went to the kitchen. Cody didn't know what was happening to his family but he didn't like it one bit.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 24, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

11:15 am

Jesse and Jackie put the finishing touches on the tree. Matt was working and Jess and Cody were dropping boxes off at the children's shelter. They would all be coming home about three.

"We need to get them talking again Jesse." Jackie put the bow on the last present.

"Jackie, you know they have to work this out themselves."

"I know but how can we get though the next two days with them fighting."

"They are not fighting. They are not talking which is a totally different."

"Jesse Hawkes are you going to let your children go on this way." Jackie looked at her husband.

"My children are all grown ups and need to know that they have to fight their own battles even if it is with each other. Now can we please just let this little drama our children have made for themselves play out? Sooner or later they will be friends again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

12:45 pm

Jess, Cody and Cutler delivered the last of the boxes to the last of the children's shelter and they headed back to Tahoe. The silence was driving Cutler nuts.

"Jess did you get all your paper work in for your new job?" He said off handedly. If looks could kill he would have been dead.

"Yeah."

"You got a job?" Cody seemed genuinely interested.

"Yeah." Was all she said.

"With the Secret Service. They're going to train her till she's eligible for agent status when she turns twenty one." Jess glared at Cutler.

"That's great." Cody looked at his sister. He had to fix this before he left. She never looked happy any more. It reminded him of the days before she had to go back home when she spent the summers with them. She would get quiet and find places to hide. "That's really great Jess." He wanted to say more but he couldn't find the words to make it all better.

3:00 pm

Matt looked at his watch. He was going to be late to his parents and they were going to kill him. Cutler said the riff between Cody and Jess was getting bigger by the day and he knew this Christmas might be the last one Cody shared with them for quiet awhile. He had to make Jess see that. But he had no right. Not anymore. Not after practically pushing her out of the nest trying to get her to fly away. Cutler came in.

"Those two are hopeless. Are you sure Jess isn't blood because they are both stubborn and pig headed like you and your dad." Matt smiled.

"I guess you live with the Hawkes long enough you become one of us."

"I've known you for a long time and I know I'm not that stubborn."

"You have your moments Jimmy." Matt filed some papers. "You ready for this?"

"Hell yeah. I want to see that vain in Jesse's neck when your brother and sister tear into each other."

"I think they both know better then to start fighting on Christmas Eve. Even you know better." Cutler laughed.

"There was that one year in Panama I didn't care what day it was." Matt shook his head.

"I'm sure a woman and tequila were involved."

"I think it was a woman named Tequila." They got there coats and headed to Matt's parents.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

3:15 pm

Jess sat on her bed. Two brightly wrapped gifts sat on the bed. She had put a lot of though into both of them. Spent hours searching and spent way too much money but she was satisfied she did her best. They might not care for her much right now but she knew they both loved her as much as she loved them. This would be their last Christmas together for God knew how long and no matter how she felt about them today was for family. They would always be family whether they liked each other or not. A knock on her door made her look up.

"Come in." Jess wiped the tears from her cheeks. Cutler came in and closed the door behind him.

"Your mom is looking for you."

"They sent you to find me?" He leaned over and kissed her.

"Yeah. Silly woman thinks she can trust me with her daughter." Jess smiled.

"She must be dipping into the cooking Cheri to trust you up in my bedroom." She kissed him.

"Are those them?" He looked down at the packages.

"Yeah. I'm thinking of not giving them to them."

"Jess it took you six months to pick them out and your whole summer to save up for them. You can't not give them to them." She smiled. Jess knew that if she ever had any doubt about anything all she did was have to say something to Cutler.

"We better get down there before they come looking for us." She stood up and kissed him one last time and wiped the lip gloss off his lips. "I'm going to miss you when I'm gone." She looked into his blue eyes.

"No you won't. You'll find someone who'll treat you a hell of a lot better then me." She smiled. No one would treat her the way he did. Taking his hand they headed downstairs.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

3:30 pm

Jess put the presents for her brother's behind the tree. Hopefully they would be opened last or even forgotten. She went to go help her mother. Matt watched her. He knew from Cutler that she had taken the job Kitrick had offered her. That was one favor that hurt him to call in. Cole Kitrick wasn't his favorite person in the world.

"You okay?" Robin came up behind him.

"Yeah. Did you call your brother?" Robin smiled.

"Yeah. He's doing well."

"That's good. He should come visit when the ski season is over."

"I'll ask him. How's Jess and Cody's drama?"

"Cutler said they played nice all morning so that's a good sign."

"I think if it wasn't for Cutler those two would have killed each other. For a man who provokes a fight by walking into a bar he sure can keep those two in line."

"I think he threatens them often. Maybe I should take some lessons." Robin laughed.

"Dinner's almost ready. Why don't we see if your mom needs any help?"

"Yeah, that sounds good." They both headed toward the kitchen.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

4:00 pm

The dinner was a rowdy affair like always. Even with the three Hawkes children not talking to each other they talked to others and their parents so it seemed that everything was normal. Cutler was amazed how they kept the feud a secret from their parents.

"Your staring Cutler." He shook himself.

"Sorry. I just can't get over the way your mom goes all out." Jess smiled.

"She's really big on Christmas. I think she starts planning in January." She was going to miss this. She looked at Cody and Mallie across the table. Biting her lip she pushed away from the table and headed out the door. Three Hawkes men got up. Cutler shook his head.

"Let me." He grabbed two jackets off the rack and headed outside. The boys sat down and Jesse looked at his sons.

"What the hell just happened?" Cody looked at Matt and Matt shrugged.

4:15 pm

Jess was half way to the Ranger station when Cutler caught up with her. Tears flowing down her face and she was breathing hard. He helped her on with her jacket and held her close.

"It's going to be okay Jess."

"No it's not. He may never…" Cutler pushed her arms length away.

"Don't even think that way Jess. Cody is coming home. You can't think any other way." He looked into her eyes. "He can take care of himself Jess."

"I know I just…every time I look at him I see…"

"Jess he's coming back. Just think positive." Jess knew that Cutler was right but why was it every time she closed her eyes and thought of Cody all she could see was blood.

5:00 pm

Cutler led Jess back to the house and Cody was waiting on the porch. He saw his sister's red eyes.

"Can you give us a minute Jim?" Cutler nodded and left the brother and sister to talk out their problems. "Are you okay?"

"I've been better."

"Why didn't you tell me about the Secret Service job?

"You had other things on your mind." She leaned against the railing.

"Jess I promise I'll be come home." She looked out at the mountains.

"I'll be gone by then."

"You'll be home sooner or later. Jess we can't go on like this. We've been best friends for most of our lives. Don't throw it away because we're both leaving."

"Who's going to watch your back?" He looked at her.

"I know you'll always have my back Jess. I just need you to support my decision. You're leaving too."

"I wouldn't have taken the job if you would have been staying."

"You know what? Today isn't the day we need to be discussing this." He looked at her. "I love you Jess and I don't want to leave with things between us."

"There's nothing between us Cody. Let's get back before mom and dad thinks we've run away." She opened the door and headed inside. She knew she was acting like a child but she felt really alone right now. Family and friends were gathered around the tree with glasses of eggnog. Jess sat next to Cutler on the couch.

"Everything okay?" He whispered.

"Just peachy." Cutler knew that tone and he knew that things between Jess and Cody weren't back to normal. He wondered if they ever would be again. Matt watched the intimacy between his sister and his best friend. He wondered if there was more to their friendship then they were letting on. Shaking the thought from his mind he turned his attention back to the festivities in front of him.

9:45 pm

Matt picked up paper and threw it in a bag. He told his parents he'd clean up before he left back to the station. Cody had gone to bring Mallie home. The whole family was going to midnight mass and the other's had gone upstairs to change. Picking up the last of the paper under the tree he noticed two unopened presents there. He bent over and picked them up. One had his name on it. The other had Cody's. The bold writing told him they were from Jess. The sound of the door opening Matt turned to see Cody coming in.

"Hey."

"Hey." Matt handed Cody the box with his name on it. "I guess we overlooked these."

"Yeah." He looked down at the box. "She thinks I'm not coming back."

"You've lived for proving her wrong. Don't make this any different." Cody opened the box. The knife inside was unlike any he's ever seen. The handle alone was one of a kind. He looked at Matt.

"Wow…this is…" Matt opened his. His knife was just as unique. "She must have spent a fortune on these."

"Her way of saying goodbye?" Cody looked at his brother.

"Don't even think that way." Cody put the lid back on his gift. "At least say thank you when she comes down." Cody went up to change and Matt headed to the station to do the same. He had a lot of things to think about. Maybe he should sit his sister and brother down and they all could figure it out together.

11:45 pm

Jesse, Jackie, Matt and Cody sat in the third row of St. Matthew's church. Jess hadn't been in her room when Cody went to get her. It bothered him that she had left for church without the family. Now it bothered the family Jess wasn't at church. Matt could see the vain in Jesse's neck starting to throb.

11:48 pm

Jess sat in the cab of Jim Cutler's truck. She took a deep breath. This was the hardest thing she ever had to do. Walking in there was alone was not her idea of a Merry Christmas.

"Come with me." She looked at Jim.

"I'm on call."

"Put your pager on vibrate and help me make it though this one night." He looked at her.

"If we walk in there now Matt will know about us."

"I don't care. I just want to make it though this last….this one day. Please." Cutler got out and went to the other side and opened Jess's door. He knew he was walking a line the first time he kissed her. Now he was about to loose his best friend if he put two and two together. They walked up the steps of the church. Cutler stopped.

"I can't do this. You want shock your family today isn't the day." Some people came up the steps running late for church. He kissed her cheek. "You can do this." He let go of her hand and went back down the steps. Jess had never felt more alone in her whole life. Turning she headed into church and to a lonely rest of Christmas.

11:55

Jesse watched his daughter slide into the seat next to Matt. She was pale and looked like her whole world was crashing in on her. He knew things between his kids were bad but he didn't know that they had become as bad as what he saw in his daughter's eyes when she walked in the church. Jesse closed his eyes and prayed that his children would put there differences aside and become the friends they used to be.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 25, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

1:20 am

Jess left the church and avoided her family by slipping out the back door. She walked the back trail to the ranger station a mile away and got into her truck. She put the keys in the ignition and looked up. Cutler was standing outside the front door. She almost pulled the keys out till she saw the brunette in the shadows lean over and kiss him. Jess laughed. The perfect end to the perfect day. She started the truck and backed out of the driveway. She thought she heard Cutler calling her name but she didn't care. There was nothing here for her anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

Beginnings

Chapter Nine

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 25, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

2:00 am

Jesse Hawkes sat in front of his son's. He watched his daughter drive away less then an hour ago and he wasn't in the mood to deal with his son's, but if he was going to put and end to whatever was between them he had to start where he could.

"What the hell is going on between the three of you?" Jesse looked at Matt.

"Nothing."

"You're lying. Don't you think I see the three of you not talking to each other?" The vain in Jesse's neck was throbbing. "I know why Jess is pissed at Cody but why is she gunning for you Matthew."

"I've been riding her pretty hard about getting a job off the mountain. I just wanted her to have a chance to know something else is out there. She got pissed because she thinks I'm doing it because I don't care. Cody's mad at me because Jess is."

"So I have to go find my daughter because you decided to be the bad ass and push her out into the big bad world."

"She'll calm down in a couple of days." Jesse glared at his oldest son.

"Do you really think the way she acted the last few weeks that a couple of days is going to make it all better. You two don't know half of the reasons Jess spent her summers with us before her parents died. She may be nineteen but boys there's a scared little girl in there and you both just might scared her even more." Jesse swallowed hard and turned his back on his sons. "You better hope she decides that home is the safest place to hide out or you're both in serious trouble."

"What did I do?" Cody looked at his father. Jesse turned around and glared at him.

"You know what you did. For the last ten years you never made a move without your sister. Hell you even dumped girls if she didn't like them and then you go and enlist without even telling her you were thinking about it. Come on Cody. She's your best friend and you dropped the ball. I should make both of you go and tell your mother exactly why her daughter isn't here on Christmas morning." Cody and Matt looked at their father and they knew they were in more trouble then they had been since they were kids.

2:19 am

Jess sat in the bar. She knew this was the last place she should be but she had no where else to go. Heading back to Sacramento just seemed too much of a bother. She had a bag in her truck for the occasions when she headed home on a whim. The bartender looked at her.

"You brother's are going to start looking for you soon Jess." Jake Woodson had been friends with Cody and Benji in high school. He came home on week ends and holidays to work for his dad in the bar.

"No. They pretty much washed their hands of me."

"Cody would never turn his back on you. Why don't you let me lock up and I'll give you a ride home." He wiped off the bar.

"I can't go home. Too much drama."

"Jess come on. The Hawkes have drama?"

"I'm not a Hawkes by blood."

"You might as well be." Jess got off the bar stool and started putting the chairs up on tables.

"Well I'm not. Come June I may never set foot on this damn mountain again."

"Whatever. You're as dedicated to these mountains as the other three Hawkes put together." He put the dishes in the dishwasher and started shutting down the cash register.

"Right now all I want is June to come so I can go and not look back for a really long time." Jake took a set of keys out of the register and put them in front of Jess. "What are these for?"

"The apartment above the bar. If you really want to be away from your family on Christmas the place is yours until New Years. Dad has someone moving in on the third. Clean it up and there's some paint in the bedroom if you get really board." Jess looked at him.

"What do you get out of this?" He laughed.

"I don't sleep with friend's sisters if that's what you're getting at." He leaned against the bar. "If you need time to sort your life out it's better here where someone knows your safe then taking off and getting lost or worse. At least if someone asked I can tell them I know your okay."

"Thanks Jake."

"Give me the keys to your truck and I'll park it in the barn out back. Dad's not coming home till next week. If you want you can hang here and help me out this week end." Jess always liked Jake but now she thought she just might love him.

"You got yourself a deal." Jess took the keys and handed him hers. "I'll get my bag out of the truck." She stopped and turned around. "Thanks Jake. " Jake looked at his friends sister. She had been Cody's best friend as long as he could remember. He knew his friend would want him to take care of her.

"Anything for a friend." She smiled and went to her truck for her bag.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

11:15 am

Jess woke up. She had a headache from crying herself to sleep. This wasn't the way things were suppose to be. She should be home in her own bed. Making breakfast with her mother. Swallowing hard she headed to the shower and hopped the day didn't get already worse then what it was.

12:40 pm

Cody watched the phone willing it to ring. Jess had been gone nearly twelve hours. She hadn't even called Cutler. He regretted not telling Jess about enlisting in the Marines but he couldn't undo it now. Matt came into the living room yet.

"Anything?"

"I called everyone we know. Matt she hasn't even called Cutler. She must be mad at the whole friggin' world."

"Or just the people in hers. I'll make some calls. Maybe someone has seen her." Matt went to the kitchen and called the sheriff. "Mike…its Matt Hawkes."

"Hey Matt Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. I need a favor."

"Whatever I can do."

"Jess didn't come home last night."

"It's been quiet all night Matt. I'll tell my men to keep a look out for her truck."

"Thanks. If they see her just tell her to come home."

"I'll do that. I hope everything is okay. Call me if she show's up or calls." Matt hung up. There was a knock at the back door. He went to answer it. Cutler stood on the door step.

"Anything?"

"No."

"I got a call this morning from Libby Coolidge. She said she was out last night and saw Jess at The Rockingham."

"Libby out on Christmas Eve. Why does that not surprise me?" Matt shook his head. "I'll see if Cody has Jake's number and see if he saw her. Come on in. You want some coffee?" Cutler shook his head.

"I'm going to drive around. I might get lucky."

"Thanks. Mom and dad went up to see Aaron Bass and Jen early this morning. I was hoping Jess would be back before they get back this afternoon."

"I'll do my best."

"Thanks." Matt shut the door. He went to the living room and threw Cody the phone. "Call Jake Woodson. Jess was seen at his dad's bar last night. Maybe he saw her." Cody dialed the number.

"Jake, Cody Hawkes."

"I thought I might be hearing from you before too long."

"Why?"

"Just know that she's safe Cody. Jess just needs some time to realize things aren't as bad as they seem."

"Where is she Jake?"

"Trust me." Cody knew he could. Next to Benji he knew Jake had his back if it came right down to it.

"You'll call if anything changes?"

"You know it. Just give her time. I know things look grim right now but I think she'll come around."

"Thanks." Cody hung up. "Jake says she's okay. He won't tell me where she is but I trust him to take care of things."

"Maybe we should go talk to him."

"Matt he won't let anything happen to Jess." Matt looked at his brother. He trusted him and his judgment.

"Okay. But you talk to mom and dad when they get home." Matt turned and headed back into the kitchen for some much needed coffee.

3:00 pm

Jess couldn't stand being alone one more minute but she didn't have any place to go so she started painting. Soon she was lost in the work. As much as she wished the labor would make her stop missing her family it didn't. Tears fell down her cheeks as she painted. It was going to be a very long six months.

5:03 pm

Jesse and Jackie hung there jackets on the coat rack. Cody walked into the living room. His father looked stressed.

"How are Aaron and Jen?"

"Fine. Did you find your sister?"

"In theory."

"What do you mean in theory?"

"I have it on good authority that she's fine. I haven't seen her myself but the Intel is good." Jesse looked at his son.

"So in other words you know she's okay because you trust who she's staying with?"

"That pretty much sums it up."

"Where's your brother?"

"Work." Jesse let out long breath.

"When she finds herself or gets over whatever it is that's bothering her and decides she want to be part of this family again I want you and your bother to apologize for anything and everything you've done the last few months and make her see that this is her home."

"It's Matt making it seem that she needs to leave. I just signed up to blow crap up for a living." Cody turned and went upstairs. Jackie watched him go.

"I hope those two put this behind him before he goes." Jesse closed his eyes.

"From your lips to God's ears baby."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 28, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

7:45 pm

Jess took the order at the table in the back of the bar. She knew most of the people who hung out at The Rockingham since she was a little girl. They were Matt and Cody's friends and even some of her fathers so she knew when Jake asked her to waitress tonight that sooner or later someone would tell her family. Jess went to the next table to take their order and froze. It was Cutler with the brunette from Christmas. He was leaning into her and whispering something and kissing her neck.

"Can I take your order?" She smiled her best I couldn't give a crap smile. Cutler looked up and he paled.

"Can I get a margarita?" The woman smiled at her.

"Sure can. Tequila shooters for you Cutler…or would you like a margarita too?" The woman looked at Jess and then Cutler.

"You must come here a lot." The brunette laughed. Cutler forced a smile.

"Jess is Matt's sister."

"Oh, wow I thought you were in school or something." Jess looked at the woman.

"Something like that." Jess turned to go up to the bar and Cutler stood up and followed.

"Jess." She went to the bar and called her order out. Turning she looked at him.

"Go back to your date Cutler. She might be lost without your witty banter."

"Jess…please…" Jake tapped her shoulder telling her the drinks were ready. She turned around. "I…" Taking the tray she gave him a look she had saved for people she loathed.

"Get out of my way Cutler."

"We have a problem Jess?" Jake asked. She looked at him.

"No." Cutler stepped aside and she went to deliver her drinks.

"Don't mess with my waitresses Cutler." Jake looked at the older man.

"Does her brother's know she's here?"

"Yeah, they do. And if you're smart you'll take Miss Lake Tahoe and get the hell out of here before things get anymore awkward."

"Whatever it is you think you know Jake, there's more too it."

"Just drink your drink and find someplace else to get your date liquored up." Cutler turned and went back to the table where Jess was just setting down their drinks.

"Five fifty." She looked at him.

"We need to talk." Jess looked at him. Her eyes were dark and stormy.

"Not if you were the last person on earth. Five fifty." Cutler took out a ten out of his pocket and handed it to her. "I'll be back with your change."

"Don't bother." He sat down across from his date. "Drink your drink. I want to get out of here." The woman smiled.

"Whatever you want sweetie." He watched Jess. She was angrier then he had ever seen her. He watched her take orders and flirt with the men she waited on. He looked at the brunette next to him. Cutler knew he had crossed the line. He hurt her more then both her brother's combined.

8:16

Jess put down the trey on the bar. The headache she had been fighting all day was about ready to become a full fledged migraine. Jake put a bottle of aspirin on the bar.

"I thought Cutler was a pain in the ass not in the head." Jess smiled and opened the bottle.

"Thanks. He makes all my parts hurt most days."

"I could read a lot into that." She looked at him.

"Do what ever makes it right in your head Jake." He laughed.

"Does Matt know about you two?"

"There's nothing to know." Jess downed the pain pills with a shot of whisky and took the tray Jake had filled. She avoided the man at the far table because he had grabbed her three times already. Plus Cutler and his 'friend' hadn't left yet. If he wanted a drink he could go up to the bar. She delivered the drinks and was blocked from going around the far table again. Jess took a deep breath and headed around the table. The man grabbed her rear end. She swung around and the try hit Cutler in the back of the head.

"Jess…" She turned horrified at what she had done. The man at the other table grabbed her around the waist and pulled her against him.

"I knew you'd see things my way sweetie." Jess took a deep breath and tried to escape his grip. Cutler turned and looked at her. There was fear in her eyes.

"Take it easy mister. Just let the girl go." Jess tried pulling away from the man but he wasn't letting go.

"You picked the wrong girl and the wrong night." She tried to get free but he wasn't letting go.

"Just let her go and walk out of here and it'll all be good." Cutler reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his badge. "Come on. Just let her go." Everyone had backed away from them. "Just let the girl go and walk out of here."

"She was flirting with me all night."

"Understandable, you're a handsome man but she's got work to do and all these people need to drink too my friend. Now let her go and she can back to work and you can get back to preparing for your hang over tomorrow." Jess wedged her arm out just enough so her elbow could go forward enough to get the man in the gut.

"Keep your hands to yourself." She shoved him back and he fell against the chair. Jess turned and backed into Cutler. He took her and put her behind him.

"Walk away my friend." Cutler looked the anger in the man's eyes. "Just walk away." The man looked at Cutler and then at Jess. He knew that he would loose this fight and end up in jail if he pushed the matter. He turned and walked out the back door. Jess backed up away from Cutler and handed him the man's keys.

"You still know how to start a fight Hawkes." He looked at her. "And pick pockets."

"You better call the sheriff. When he finds his keys missing he's not going to be happy." Jess headed out the side door. Cutler looked at the brunet still stunned sitting at his table. He shook his head and followed Jess out the door.

"Jess…" She was leaning against the building. "Are you okay?" She looked up at him.

"Yeah. You better go back to your…friend."

"You're the only friend I want to be with right now." He stood in front of her.

"I knew it was just for fun Jimmy but it still hurts seeing you with her."

"She means nothing to me Jess."

"Just another notch in your belt?" Anger flared in his eyes.

"You're the woman I've slept with since that night in Sacramento last year." Jess laughed.

"You think I believe that line of bull?"

"Believe what you want Jess. Sure I've gone out with women so Matt and the others wouldn't question my lack of female companionship but sweetheart you the only woman who's been in my bed." Jess looked into his eyes. She could always tell when he was lying to her and right now he wasn't. Leaning forward she kissed him. He pushed her against the wall and pressed his body as close to her as he could get.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Jess." He kissed her again. The passion between them was something neither of them could fight. Jess pushed him to the brink of insanity. Then she pushed him away.

"I have to get back. I'll be done by three." He kissed her again.

"I'll pick you up." She smiled and headed back into the bar. He was making the biggest mistake of his life but he knew in six months she'd be gone and who knew when she was ever coming back.

--*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 29. 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

2:45 am

"You want me to wait with you?" Jake looked at Jess. She was putting chairs up.

"No. I'll go upstairs if he isn't here by three. Thanks for not making a big deal about tonight."

"You got away without breaking anything. One broken glass and the sheriff would have been all over it." Jess smiled. "Jess you know he's no good for you."

"I know." She wiped down the last table. "I know tonight's goodbye." She looked up when the door opened. Cutler came in. It was snowing hard and the snowflakes glistened off his black hair. "I'll lock up if you want to head out." Jake looked at her then at Cutler.

"Okay. See you tomorrow. If you get up early your can start decorating for the party." Jake threw the best New Years Eve party in Tahoe.

"You got it." Grabbing the bank deposit, Jake nodded hello and headed out the door.

"Something I said?" Cutler asked before he kissed her.

"No, that's just Jake." Jess smiled and hung up the rag she was using and grabbed her keys from behind the bar. "I have to get my coat from upstairs." Jess grabbed his hand and pulled up the direction of the stairs. She knew he had a few hours to change his mind but she wasn't going to let him think about anything but her tonight. When they reached the apartment Jess turned and kissed him.

"Jess…" She had his jacket off and he had her up against the wall. "This is a bad idea." He breathed.

"Why?" She smiled that smile that told him he was going to loose this battle. He kissed her and pulled her closer, feeling her body next to his made all his doubts and fears vanish. She pulled him into the bedroom and that was the last coherent thought that went though his head for a very long time.

8:20 am

Cutler pulled Jess closer. The room was dark but he knew the snow was still falling. Matt had told him to be in the station by noon because the Christmas rush home was starting and the highways were going to be closed by nightfall.

"Please tell me you don't have to leave yet?" Jess whispered, clinging to him.

"Not for a few hours." She relaxed. "Maybe you should volunteer to pick up some slack tonight. The snow's not letting up. It would be nice to know your safe at the station."

"Matt won't want me there."

"I want you there. I know that when you leave next week you're not coming back. I also know that every time your brother looks at me I'm afraid he knows about us but I can't let you go. Not yet."

"We have today."

"We have two hours." He kissed her neck. "Let's make the best of it."

"You do know how to make a girl feel wanted Ranger Cutler." He laughed and she turned in his arms and made the next two hours fly by.

11:55 am

Cutler looked at his watch. He had left Jess an hour a go to come take a shower and get dressed. She had promised she stop by before the weather got too bad. The snow was coming down harder with each hour that passed. The radio crackled and Cutler looked as Matt picked it up.

"Ranger Station…Hawkes."

"Matt…it's Jess. I was on my way there and there was an accident on Highway fifty just south of Tahoe Valley. At least five vehicles and a semi."

"Are you hurt?"

"No but there's nothing around…no one is out…I need you…" The explosion rocked the whole valley. "Hurry…" Was the last thing she said before she cut out. Matt looked up at Cutler.

"Call everyone in. Get Cody and Flynn to man the radios here. I'll call the sheriff and get the gear loaded."

"Yeah, go…I got it covered in here." Cutler hoped that Matt could hold it together long enough to get out to the scene before the fear took hold of them both.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess pulled the first responder bag out of her truck as the first car exploded. The snow was coming down fast and hard. She heard the sirens and knew that Matt would be here soon but the smoke was building and she knew another car could go at any minute. She dropped the bag and checked on the man in the pick up truck. He was unconscious but breathing. His truck had been at the rear of the accident and had little damage but hi must of hit the car in front of him hard. Hearing the sequel of break she knew the Rangers were on the other side of the pile up. The car in front of the truck looked like an accordion. The woman inside was crying.

"Where are you hurt mam?" Jess asked the woman. She looked like she was going in shock. She heard footsteps and Matt was at her side.

"All over…my legs…I can't feel them." Jess looked at her brother.

"I got this. You go help Cutler and Hart. The truck and the first car are gone." Jess nodded.

"I was almost next to it when it went up. I used the truck radio to call you." She looked at her brother. "I got this. "

"Jess…"

"Matt I got this. Do what you do best and get this mess cleaned up." She looked at the woman. Wrapping her arm around the steering wheel Jess yanked it upward relieving the pressure on the woman's lap. Matt looked at her one last time and turned to see where help was needed the most.

"I can feel my legs now." Jess smiled.

"Good, helps coming. What's your name?"

"Kara…Kara McDougal."

"My names Jess." She got some gauze from her bag. "That man who was here is my brother Matt. He runs the rescue team coming in to help. He'll get you out of here and to the hospital as soon as he can."

"Your not part of the team?" Jess looked at the woman.

"Someday he'll see I'm good enough. But till then I'm going to prove to him I can do the job." The woman smiled.

"If you need a reference…give him my name." Jess smiled.

"Thanks Kara."

4:50 pm

Jess could barley keep her eyes open. The adrenalin rush that had hit at the accident was warring of and she was coming down hard. The doctor stood at the door and caught her before she fell off the exam table.

"Jesse Lynn Hawkes. I thought I wouldn't be seeing you till at least spring." Jess smiled drowsily.

"Good to see you too Doc."

"Your brothers, Cutler and old man are out there chomping at the bit. What do you have?"

"Smoke inhalation…minor burns on the tips of my fingers." She wiggled her red fingers. "And I'm coming off one hell of a high Doc." Smiling Jess tried to keep her eyes open. The doctor laid her down and hooked up the breathing treatment.

"I'll wake you up when it's time to go home." Jess nodded. The doctor went to the waiting room. Four men stood waiting. "I'm giving her a treatment to make sure her lungs are clear and she'll be ready to go home. She's sleeping. Let her rest. From what I hear she earned it." The doctor started to leave. Then turned back. "Matt there's a lady in trauma three who would like a word with you." Matt nodded and headed down the hall. He knocked.

"Come in." Matt entered to see the woman Jess was working on when he got to the scene.

"The doctor said you wanted to talk to me mam."

"You're the leader of the team that helped with the accident?"

"Yes mam."

"Thank you." Matt looked at the woman. "That young lady knew exactly what she needed to do and she did it. You're lucky to have her." Matt nodded.

"You're not the first person to tell me that. I appreciate you saying so though."

"Don't loose her Matt. Once she's gone…you can never expect her to come back the same way she left." He looked at the wisdom in the woman's eyes.

"I'll do my best." He walked out and wondered what he could do to make everything he'd done in the last year to his sister just go away.


	10. Chapter 10

Beginnings

Chapter Ten

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 31, 1996*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess woke up and she knew that after tonight she needed to head back to school. She had been avoiding her brothers for two days and she couldn't do it anymore. Cody was finished with his classes and would graduate in January so it would only be her and Benji till the spring. She promised Jake that she would waitress for the New Years party.

"You okay Jess?" Jake was filling the ice.

"Yeah, I think so."

"You think so?"

"I will be when I get on the road tomorrow morning and the mountain in my rear view mirror."

"Jess come on. You need to make things right with your brothers. Especially Cody."

"Not you too." Jess grabbed a rag and washed down the last of the tables and set out the noise makers and other decorations. "I'm going back to school in the morning Jake. Nothing can change that." She unlocked the door. "I have to go up and change. If you loose control just yell." Jess walked upstairs and closed the door. Her bag was packed and she hadn't told Jake but she was leaving when the bar closed. She couldn't bear waking up here one more morning. Her father had driven her home after the accident. He had been quiet and distant. She could deal with Matt and Cody mad at her but if Jesse was mad it was as bad as it could get.

*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt sat at the bar. He watched his sister make her way around the place delivering drinks and greeting friends. She actually looked happy. Jake set another beer in front of him.

"You look like hell my friend."

"Thanks."

"All you do is have to say you're sorry." Matt looked at Jake.

"You think it's that easy Jake?" Matt shook his head. "She's got the stubborn bread into her and rubbed off on her from us."

"Stubborn is one of the better Hawkes qualities." Matt laughed.

"Thanks…I think." Jess brought back a try of glasses and looked at her brother.

"When was the last time you slept?" He looked at her.

"Sleeps over rated."

"Well so is death but I'd rather be alive and sleeping then dead and awake."

"Are you coming by for brunch in the morning?"

"I'm heading out early."

"Don't do this to mom Jess. Hate me, be mad a Cody but don't make mom suffer for the things we did." Matt threw a couple of bills on the bar and left.

"Who pissed in his cornflakes this morning?" Jess looked at Jake.

"If I were to guess I would say you." Jake turned and filled her drink order.

"I'm not going. I don't care if he pulled the Mom card. I can not and will not sit though a New Years brunch with my bothers."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-January 1, 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-

10:15 am

Jess slammed her truck door and stormed to her parent's front door. She didn't know what Jake did last night but for some ungodly reason she was going to endure at least three hours with her brothers to make sure her mother was happy. Jesse was waiting for her on the porch.

"Jesse Lynne…nice of you to join us."

"Anything to make mom happy." She looked at him. His eyes were sad.

"You know Jess for a girl who spent most of her life fighting for what she wants you sure are giving up a little easy on this."

"On what dad? On Cody leaving me? Or maybe Matt pushing me off the mountain? What the hell am I suppose to be fighting for?"

"For yourself Jess. As much as I would love to know that your brothers have your back, they will not always be there. One phone call and those two boys in there will do whatever is in there power to be there for you but sometimes you need to face things on your own. Don't make them choose Jess." Jesse turned and went into the dinning room.

"He had a rough night." Jess looked up to see Matt.

"Because of me?"

"Among other things." He looked at his boots. "You know that you can come home anytime Jess. This will always be home."

"I don't care anymore. There's nothing here for me anymore."

"Mom and dad are here. I'm here. Cody will be back in four or five years. Just try it Jess. I'm not trying to push you away I'm trying to give you the wings to fly. If you choose to come home it will be your choice."

"Why couldn't I choose to stay here and work with you?" Matt looked at her.

"Just try it Jess please. Then when your ready you can come home and it'll still be here." Taking a deep breath she looked at the family in the dining room laughing and talking. "We'll all be here." Looking back at Matt she nodded.

"I'm still mad at Cody for keeping his enlistment from me." Matt laughed.

"I know. Let's go eat." Jess smiled.

"You're going to miss me."

"More then you know." He put his hand on her back and they walked into the kitchen.

12:15

Cody watched Jess out of the corner of his eye. She looked like she hadn't slept in a few days. He screwed up and they were both so stubborn this could go on for a very long time. Cody knew he should be the bigger man and just tell her he was sorry but he had too much on his plate right now. Mallie was freaking on him and he needed to get things in order before he left. Jess got up and cleared plates and went to hide in the kitchen. Shaking his head he grabbed his plate and Mallie's and headed to confront his demon.

"Jess." She was putting dishes in the dish washer. She didn't look up. "Jess talk to me." She looked up then. Her eyes red.

"I can't. Just know that it's me that can't deal with this." She slammed the door of the dishwasher. "Just let it go." She walked away then. Unable to tell Cody why her heart was breaking. Cody couldn't let it go but he also didn't have the heart to push it anymore. Someday he would know why she acted like a brat for all those months but today he couldn't bring himself to push it.

2:00 pm

Jess kissed her mother good bye.

"You don't have to go Jess. Not now. You have a week yet."

"I know mom. I need some time to get used to being alone."

"You never have to be alone Jesse Lynne. You have people here who love you baby."

"I know. I'll be home when I can." Her father watched her hug her mother one last time. "I love mom." Jess grabbed her bag and headed for her truck without looking back. As she got in Jesse was at the door.

"Call when you get there." She nodded. "I wish I had some fatherly advice that would make it all better Jess but I don't. All I know is that Cody loves you more then anything in this world and if he leaves without this resolved it might mean trouble for him down the road." Jess tried not to cry. She wouldn't. Not now.

"It's better this way." She started the truck. "I love you dad." Jess drove off looking at her parents in the rear view mirror she finally let herself cry.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*February 1, 1997**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess sat on her bed with her books around her. She hand a final in a few days and lately nothing was sticking in her head. Benji stuck his head in the door.

"Are you coming with me?" Jess looked up.

"Where?" He rolled his eyes.

"Home. Cody's leaving today." Shaking her head she looked back at the book in front of her. "I swore I wouldn't get into this mess but damn it Jess just swallow your pride and come say good bye to your brother."

"He made a choice. I don't have to live with it, he does."

"Oh for crying out loud you are almost twenty years old Jess, stop acting like your six. 'Cause this exactly the way you acted when Cody had to go to summer school and you were going to have to entertain yourself for a few hours everyday. Some days Jess I swear you never got passed that." He took a letter and tossed it to her. "I was suppose to wait till he was gone but I'm done with it." Benji turned around and slammed the door behind him. Jess picked up the letter. Her name was written across the front in Cody's male scratch. She didn't want to open it but she couldn't help herself. She tore open the envelope and unfolded the paper.

_Dear Jess,_

_I know I hurt you when I enlisted without talking to you but I had the opportunity to get what I needed in the shortest possible time. The Marines will get me the meteorology classes I need that I couldn't get in Sacramento plus a whole lot more. I also know that Matt isn't making you go because he doesn't love you. We both love you Jess and want the very best for our little sister. We'll all be back together in the mountains one day and take care of them just like dad wanted but right now we need to go our separate ways._

Jess wiped away her tears.

_I know it's going to be hard but I know you are stronger then you think you are. I have all the faith in the world that we will both return stronger and better equipped to handle the mountains and anything they throw at us. Jess please forgive me for not telling you sooner about my leaving. I just couldn't figure out how to tell you without us both saying something we didn't mean. You have been my best friend since I was eight and I just couldn't bear seeing the hurt in your eyes when I told you. Now I see that hurt every time you look at me and I can't bare it. When I get home we will work this out no matter how long it takes because I miss my friend and my sister. I love you Jess._

_Cody_

Jess crumpled the letter, laid down and cried. She was such a fool. Cody didn't know why she felt the way she did about him leaving. He thought she was just being childish and spoiled. He would never know what her parents had done to her. Leaving her with nanny's and house keepers, sending her away to boarding school every fall without so much as a good bye. She treated him so badly the last few months and she could never take it back but she hoped she could make it up to him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-June 15, 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Graduation was over and Jess had her bags packed. The last four months were dark days for her but she tried to hide it from her parents. They didn't need to know how bad things had gotten. She wrote Cody a letter almost every day. Telling him about school and the things that were important. But she never told him what she needed to about her birth parents. She put the letters in one big envelope and gave them to Cutler to give him when he got home next month. They had said good bye last night at the bar. His new girlfriend was Jake's new summer waitress. Jess liked her. She actually had a brain. Matt came out of the house with a box. He stood looking at the over packed truck.

"Are you sure you don't want someone to drive with you? I can spare Cutler for a week. Hell I could spare him for a month if you needed more help." Jess laughed.

"I'm good. I need some time to think things out."

"I know you can take care of yourself but be careful." He handed her a box. "So you won't starve." He smiled.

"A pizza oven. Wow you think of everything."

"I try." He packed the box in the back of the truck. Jess shut the new cap her father had installed on it and locked it.

"I'll call every night."

"Okay." She looked at him.

"Keep Cutler out of trouble."

"I will try."

"Okay. That's all we can ask for." She smiled. "I guess I should get going."

"Yeah…it's a long drive." He hugged her. "Stay safe Jess."

"I will." She got into the truck and her parents were on the porch. She waved and started the truck and headed out on the adventure Matt wanted for her. Jess hoped it was everything he thought it should be.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*July 4, 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess threw back her sixth shot of something fruity her friend Mia had given her. She was not going to make it to church tomorrow anyway she might as well sin to the very end. She had met Mia her first day of training at the James J. Rowley Training Center. They became fast friends. Then room mates. The party was in full swing for the forth when Jess came home. Mia started feeding her shots before she could get in the door. It was a song week end and they were going to take full advantage of it.

"Who is that hot guy who just walked onto our roof?" Mia looked at Jess. Jess turned. All she could see was the back of the Marine in his fatigues but she knew.

"Hands off Mia…he's too much for you to handle." Jess handed her the glass from her hand and headed to the man. "Private Cody James Hawkes what the hell are you doing here!?" Cody turned and Jess jumped into his arms.

"I came to see my baby sister. Have you seen her around?" He pushed her away and looked at her. "You look great Jess." She smiled. Touching his cheek she hugged him again.

"Not as good as you." She clung to him. "I'm so sorry." He laughed,

"You have nothing to be sorry for Jess. We both were brats." She pushed away and looked at him.

"I have so much to be sorry for but I'm not in any condition to beg." Jess giggled.

"You're drunk."

"Not yet." She grabbed his hand and took him through the crowd. "I want you to meet Mia. She's my room mate. She also likes anything in a uniform…male or female. Mia!" The brunette smiled.

"He's much better in up close Jess."

"Mia Henries…Cody Hawkes."

"No way…your brother. Wow…didn't see that coming. Hi." She offered her hand. Cody shook it. "Now I understand the hands off comment. Can I get you a drink?"

"A beer would be great thanks." Mia left. "She seems nice."

"Yeah. She is. A little noisy for my taste." Jess grabbed a glass from the man next to her. "So what are you doing here? Have you been home?"

"Yeah. Last week. I met Cutler's girlfriend." Jess smiled.

"Yeah, she's a keeper that one."

"Your okay with it?" She looked at Cody.

"We haven't talked more then a few words in nine months and your worried about how I feel about Cutler's bimbo of the week?"

"Just skirting around the tough stuff." Mia handed Cody his beer and left. "I missed you Jess." She sat on a pile of bricks.

"I missed you too."

"Jim gave me your letters." Jess looked down. "Thank you." He put his finger under her chin and made her look at him. "I know you didn't tell me everything you wanted to tell me but as long as it was everything you needed to tell me."

"Someday when everything is less complicated I promise I'll tell you everything." Cody smiled.

"We're Hawkes. We thrive on complications." Jess laughed. Things with Cody were going to be okay. And maybe one day when they were older and wiser she would tell him about her mother's journals and the real reason why they would always be closer then any brother and sister would ever be.

"How long are you staying?"

"I have to be in Twentynine Palms in two days."

"Two days. That doesn't seem like enough time to make up for the last nine months." Cody took a drink of his beer and looked out at the Washington skyline.

"I'll be home again for Christmas. Then I'm not sure where I'll be stationed. Things aren't looking good in the middle east." Jess took another drink. "You should slow down."

"I should do a lot of things." She stood next to him. "How's Matt?"

"Worried he didn't do the right thing by getting you this job."

"Tell him not to worry. I'm kind of like it here."

"So your doing okay by yourself?"

"I miss you and mom and dad. Even Matt some days."

"What about Cutler."

"Cutler was my school girl crush. I so out grew him."

"Since June?"

"More like New Years. How about you and Mallie?"

"She hates that I joined the Corp more then you do. She's defiantly not the one." He took another swig of his beer. He turned and looked at his sister. "I don't want to have to worry about ties other then family right now." Jess smiled.

"You don't have to worry about us Cody. I've been taking care of myself for a long time a few more years won't matter either way."

"I'll always have your back Jess. So will Matt." Jess sat back and looked out at the city.

"Right back at you brother." Jess knew that someday they would get back to where they were after her parents died but right now they needed to go their separate ways.


	11. Chapter 11

Beginnings

Chapter Eleven

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*October 25. 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess watched as the plane landed on the airstrip in North Carolina. Kitrick sent her to the middle of no where to pick up an international agent. The more and more Jess thought about it the more she realized that she was his over paid errand girl. He also knew she liked to drive so he sent her on these little trips. The plane taxied down the run way to the tarmac. She waited by the gate.

"Agent Hawkes?" A blond man came up to her. Jess smiled.

"Agent Mc Cullen. How was your trip?"

"Long. Please tell me we don't have to drive back tonight?"

"Kitrick recommended we do so. You can sleep if you need to."

"Kitrick is an ass." Jess laughed.

"My brother says the same thing. They went to high school together."

"I heard good things about your family Hawkes. Your old man's a legend in the Corps. I heard your brother Cody enlisted."

"Yeah. He was always more like my dad then Matt. He needed some training that college wouldn't cover." She knew her family name reached beyond the mountains but some times it was nice to here the impact they had on others. Jess unlocked the car and they loaded Mc Cullen's bags in the trunk. "Do you need anything before we head out?"

"A burger and a beer would really make my day. I'm so sick of foreign food. I'm glad this was my last trip over seas for awhile." They got into the car. Mc Cullen laid his head against the seat and closed his eyes.

"There was a bar back on highway ten. I'm sure we can get what you need there." Jess started driving and she was sure Agent Mc Cullen and fallen asleep.

"Did Cole tell you why he didn't fly me into DC?"

"No. I just follow orders."

"Always the good little soldier Agent Hawkes?"

"Not always. My name is Jess by the way."

"JT."

"Nice to meet you JT. "

"He's punishing me for something I just know it." Jess laughed.

"That sounds like Kitrick." Jess got on the highway. "I thought it was strange that anyone would fly into the middle of nowhere."

"Word of warning…do not piss the man off."

"I grew up with two brothers…I piss everyone off." JT laughed.

"We are so going to get along." The rain started to fall. Sprinkling at first then harder and faster.

"I think your going to get that wish of stopping for the night." The bar was just up ahead.

"I knew I had some pull with someone." It was getting late and Jess didn't feel like dealing with the traffic and the rain. She pulled into the bar parking lot as the sky opened up. They got out and ran in.

"Nothing like a cold southern rain to chill you to the bones." They sat at a table in the corner. A waitress came up to them.

"Can I get you two anything?"

"Beer for me, anything on tap." JT looked at Jess.

"Sweet tea is good for me thanks." The waitress nodded and left.

"Since you made the decision not drive tonight you can have a drink you know."

"I find it hard to if they card me. I just turned twenty in August."

"Really. Is Kitrick recruiting out of high school now?"

"College. I have a degree in psychology, forensics and criminology. I'm a trained paramedic and first responder."

"Wow. Are you human?" Jess smiled.

"Last time I checked. Those mountains made me a stronger person."

"Maybe I should visit those mountains if they breed woman like you."

"I was born in LA. My birth parents moved to San Francisco and then Sacramento. I started spending summer with the Hawkes when I was five. So when my birth parents died when I was twelve the Hawkes adopted me." JT looked at the woman across from him and wondered why Kitrick sent him a rookie, let alone a young woman rookie. Something didn't click.

"Well you got brains and aren't too bad on the eyes there rookie." Jess smiled. JT reminded her of Cutler. The waitress brought their drinks. They ordered dinner and the waitress left.

"So you know how Kitrick is."

"Cold as ice. Hard as nails and a prick from birth." Jess smiled and sipped her tea.

"If he didn't owe my brother his life I don't think I'd be here right now."

"I'm sure if your file passed his desk he would have snatched you up in a New York minute."

"I don't trust him JT. But that's just my nature."

"Do you trust me?"

"I don't know you. I've know Cole since I was ten."

"Just know that I'm not on his side if it ever comes up. He's my boss and I take orders from him just like you but if comes down to it I'm your best bet." Jess looked into his eyes. They were clear and cold. Jess knew right then that JT Mc Cullen was her ticket to surviving anything Kitrick threw at her. He would stand by her if things got rough.

"What does the JT stand for?"

"Jasper Thomas."

"Well Jasper Thomas I think we know where we stand with each other and that's a hell of a lot more then I know with Cole."

"Cole will stab you in the back and run over you to get what he wants. If he asked you to do something your not comfortable with don't question it and come to me."

"You're know my brothers don't you?" JT smiled a half smile Jess would know grow to love.

"Just know I have your back Jess."

"Good to know." The waitress brought their food and they ate in a quiet comfortable silence. Before they left JT bought a six pack and asked about the nearest hotel.

"The Commodore. It's cheap, clean and the only thing for about eighty miles. It's a mile up the road."

"Thanks." Jess and JT headed to the car. The rain still coming down hard. "By the way, I hate rain." Jess laughed.

"I used to hate it before I realized it turned into snow. I love snow." Jess started the car and headed to the hotel.

"I haven't skied in like five years."

"Maybe some day you can ski my mountains." He smiled.

"Maybe." It only took a few minutes to find the motel. JT went in and was gone a few minutes. When he came back he had a strange look on his face.

"No rooms?"

"Just one."

"Oh."

"Two beds."

"Not a problem then. I have brother's JT. You don't have anything I haven't seen before."

"Room eighteen." Jess drove around the building. "I just want a shower and a clean bed." They pulled up to the door of the room. Jess popped the trunk. JT handed her the key and she went to unlock the door and he got the bags from the trunk. Going in Jess threw the key on the table. JT came in with the bags.

"Cozy."

"Clean. You don't want to know how long it's been since I've stayed any place clean."

"What did you do to piss Kitrick off?" Jess plopped herself on the far bed.

"My job unfortunately." He looked at her. "Most women would freak spending the night at with a stranger."

"You're not a stranger. You're Agent JT Mc Cullen." He laughed.

"Yeah. What are you like six?" Jess laughed.

"You are exactly like him." JT leaned against the bathroom door frame.

"Not even close."

"How do you know who I'm talking about?"

"You get that same look when you talk about your brothers. Like there's someplace else you'd rather be. Matt did ask me to check up on you. He never expected Kitrick to assign you to me."

"For someone who wanted me off those mountains he sure is keeping a short leash on me."

"Believe what you want. I'm taking a shower." He grabbed his bag and headed into the bathroom. Jess picked up the phone and dialed her credit card number and then the Ranger station.

"High Mountain Rangers, Officer Flowers."

"Hey Izzy. How's it going?"

"Jess…hey. It's good. How are you?""

"I'm good. Is Matt there?"

"No he went into town."

"Cutler?"

"Yeah hang on." Jess looked at the bathroom door. JT was singing. She was laughing when Cutler picked up.

"Cutler."

"Hey Jimmy." She said softly.

"Jess…God it's good to hear your voice."

"How have you been?"

"Good. We're all good."

"How's Tracie?" Cutler laughed.

"Gone back to LA."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Are you really?"

"One of us needs a life." She laughed. "I miss you guys."

"Are you coming home for Christmas?"

"Yeah. Cody said he'd be home to."

"Merrier then last year I hope?"

"Much. I'm stranded in North Carolina tonight. The rain was falling too hard when I picked up another agent here. I'll be home tomorrow."

"Why don't you call me then? I'm off. We can catch up."

"No hot date?" He laughed.

"Yeah…you. Talk later Jess."

"Yeah, later." She hung up. JT was standing in the door way in a pair of jogging pants.

"The shower is all yours."

"Thanks but I'm a morning shower kind of girl." She went to her bag and got a pair of jogging pants and a t shirt.

"I'll call Cole while you're getting ready for bed."

"Don't tell him that we're sharing a room. He'll think the worst."

"So do I have the desk clerk write up another receipt?"

"You're going to have to." She went into the bathroom and slammed the door. JT shook his head.

"I am in way over my head." Picking up the phone he dialed his boss's private number and waited for the yelling to start.

**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 19, 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"You didn't have to do this JT." Jess looked at her partner.

"You're the one who promised me super skiing." The plane was landing at the Lake Tahoe airport. "I really want to see Matt."

"I'm glad one of us does."

"I thought you were so over this Jess."

"I am. I just, sometimes my bitterness oozes out." JT laughed.

"He loves you Jess. Just remember that okay?"

"Yeah." Jess smiled. The last few moments before landing she though of what she used to have. With her brothers, with her parents and with Cutler. "Was Kitrick pissed you said you were leaving for the week?"

"He knows I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need the time off."

"Do you really need the time off?" Jess looked at him. He smiled.

"You need me here Jess. That's all the excuse I needed."

"You're a good friend."

"Just remember that when your eating my dust down the slopes." The plane landed and they got off and headed to the luggage claim. Cody was waiting. Jess dropped her bag and ran to him nearly knocking him over and hugging him tight.

"Hey, did you miss me or something?" Jess hugged him tighter.

"Hell yes I missed you." JT grabbed their bags. Jess let her brother go and stood back and looked at him. "You look great Cody." He smiled.

"Thanks. You're not doing so bad yourself little sister."

"Thanks." JT came up to them. "JT Mc Cullen…my brother Cody." The men shook hands.

"I heard a lot about you from Jess and Matt."

"Don't believe everything you hear." JT laughed. They headed toward Cody's truck. "How's DC?"

"Busy. I miss the quiet."

"It hasn't been quiet lately. The California and Nevada tourist bureau decided to have this huge dog sled race around the lake and over the mountains. IT was all good till the Nevada side had a heat wave. The more I study weather patterns the more I believe that global warming stuff. Anyway Matt and the Rangers have been working non stop for the last four days. They'll be lucky to be awake for Christmas." Cody opened the back of the truck and took the two bags from JT.

"How's everyone?" They got into the truck.

"Mom and dad are great. By the way you owe me three hundred dollars."

"Three hundred! You said we weren't going big this year."

"Jess they haven't been anywhere that you don't need bug repellent since you were ten. Come on, I've seen your check book. I know it's in there."

"Then why didn't you just take it?"

"Next time, I will. Their anniversary is coming up." Jess shook her head.

"Maybe we can find them a son who isn't so damn annoying." She glared at him.

"Or a daughter who isn't a bitch?" Jess slugged his shoulder hard and he nearly lost control of the truck. "Hey, come on it's not just us your going to kill with that wicked right." JT looked at them wide eyed.

"Matt said you guys fought but man…" Jess laughed.

"Jasper honey this isn't fighting…" She looked at her brother.

"It's us getting along." Cody finished. The older man smiled.

"I think I know why my parents decided I should be an only child. They knew people with children like you." They caught up on the way home and when Cody pulled the truck up in front of their parents home she got very quiet.

"They miss you more then anything Jess." JT got out and went to the back for the bags. "Nothings changed."

"I've changed."

"You're still their daughter." He took her hand. "You're still the girl they spent summer's fussing over." Jess laughed.

"I didn't mean to steal your thunder." Cody smiled.

"You always did love to do that. You made our family complete Jess. Don't ever forget that." He let go over her hand and kissed her forehead. "Just be yourself Jess, that's all we ask of you." He got out of the truck and Jess sat for a moment looking at the cabin she spent most of her life growing up in. Cody was right. This was her home and her parents loved her. Lately it was getting easier to let them back in but some days she still felt like an outsider. Getting out of the truck she followed her friend and brother inside.

"JESS!" Her mom came running from the kitchen. Jess tried to hold back the tears but she couldn't. It had been six months since she's hugged her mother. It had felt like a lifetime.

"Mom." They hugged.

"Oh baby I missed you."

"I missed you too." Jackie pushed her daughter arms length away. "You look good. I was afraid you weren't eating." Jess smiled. You don't have to be afraid of that." Cody came in with JT. "Mom this is my partner…"

"JT Mc Cullen. It's been too long." Jackie hugged the man.

"Jackie." Jess looked at him. "I spent a few breaks from with your mom and Matt when we were in college." He smiled the smile Jess couldn't get mad at. "Didn't I mention that?" She shook her head.

"No. Where's dad?"

"I believe he's on the East Ridge with your brother and Cutler. It's the last leg of the dog sled race." Jackie looked at her daughter. "I told him to stay home but you know Jesse." Jess smiled. She took her bag from Cody. "I need a shower."

"Don't take too long baby. Your dad will be home soon and dinner is almost ready."

"Okay." She headed upstairs. Cody looked at his mom.

"She's okay mom."

"JT?"

"Got a little tense when we landed but she seems fine now."

"I'll show you to my room JT. Mom stay out of her business." Cody and JT went up stairs and Jackie went back to her kitchen.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess let the shower run over her. She missed the way being in this house made her feel. How just walking in the front door made her feel safer then she had ever felt before. Her parents were here. Cody was here. Cutler was here. And Matt was here. They made it hard. Matt had all but pushed her into a job she was beginning to hate. Shutting off the shower she wrapped the towel around her and got out. Wiping off the mirror she looked at herself. She was just twenty but she felt so much older. A knock on the door made her jump.

"You alive in there Jess." She smiled.

"You won't be if my father catches you up here." She opened the door to Cutler leaning against the wall across from the bathroom.

"Jesse and the other men folk are in the barn." Jess walked into the hall and hugged her friend.

"Why aren't you in the barn?"

"I had more pressing matters in here." He kissed her then. It had been nine months since they decided to keep things light for Matt's sake. But right now Jess didn't care. The feel of Cutler's lips against hers felt so right and so good. He pressed her against the wall and moved his hand under her towel. "I missed you so damn much." She felt the same but to voice it would put a stop to the assault on her mouth and she couldn't bare that. His warm hands on her back felt like heaven but she knew they had to stop before anyone caught them. He sensed her change and lifted her up not wanting to break the kiss. Carrying her to her room he shut the door and locked the pressed her against it.

"How do you know me so well?" She whispered.

"You tense up if you're afraid we'll get caught and right now sweetheart tense in the last thing I need from you." He took off her towel and there was not a single coherent thought in her head for the next ten minutes.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess didn't know how Cutler snuck out of her room and into the barn with the others but there he was a half hour later sitting next to Matt across the table. She couldn't look at him without blushing. The last phone call they shared had been warm and light but she never would of though he would have given her the greeting he had in the hall way and then in her bedroom. He was talking with Matt like nothing had happened yet every time he looked at her he had that smoldering look in his eyes like he got when she touched him.

"Jess…." JT was next to her and elbowed her.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" Nodding she took a drink of her soda. It was getting way to hot in the house.

"Yeah why?"

"You look like you're a little warm." She smiled.

"I'm fine." She played with her pie. Her father watched her. Something was not right with her.

"How's the job Jess."

"Good dad. I'm glad I gave it a chance." She looked at Matt. He smiled a small smile. "It's interesting."

"Kitrick treating you okay?" Matt knew if he wasn't she wouldn't tell him anyway but it was worth asking.

"He rides us hard but I've learned a lot."

"That's good." Jess nodded and let the conversation go on around her. She knew that this might be the last time she saw Cody for some time. She wanted to be cheerful and upbeat so she plastered a smile on her face and joined in the best she could.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 20, 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jake pushed another beer in front of Jess. She smiled her thanks and turned to see Cody on the dance floor with a blond she'd never seen before.

"I missed you this summer." Jess turned back to Jake.

"You had Tammy."

"Tracie. She quit after a month and went to the casino." Jess smiled.

"Cutler seems to miss her." Jake looked at her.

"You really believe that?" She smiled.

"Maybe." Matt was playing darts with JT and Cutler. She looked over at them.

"What are we going to do with you Jessie Lynn?" She took a drink of her beer.

"I'm so over Cutler Jake. Really." She took a twenty out of her pocket and put it on the bar. "The next rounds on me." She slid off the bar stool and slipped out the back door. She needed to be alone to clear her head and the walk to her parents from Jakes would do the trick. Jess knew coming home would be hard. JT had to nearly drag her on the plane out here. Seeing her family made it all worth it but it was going to be hard to go back. The sound of tires crunching on snow came up behind her. She turned, seeing Cutler's blazer behind her. He pulled up next to her.

"Something wrong?" She looked at him.

"Nothing I can think of."

"You left the bar without a word Jess. You're walking three miles in the freezing cold. Something's wrong." She stopped.

"You pinned me against a wall and had sex with me with my father and brothers a hundred yards away and you think something's wrong with me." She laughed.

"I missed you so sue me." She looked at him.

"I missed you too." She looked around and then leaned in the window and kissed him.

"Get in." He whispered.

"It'll only end badly Jimmy."

"Get in." Jess looked into his eyes. All it took was one kiss and neither one of them was thinking clearly.

"I can't do this to Matt again."

"You think I want to? Do think I enjoy every time he mentions your name I think he can see what I feel for you just by looking at me? Damn it Jess just get in the truck." She knew she shouldn't. Things with Matt were already too uncomfortable. Smiling at Cutler she put her hands in her pockets and headed toward home. "Jess."

"One of us has to be strong Jimmy." He rolled the truck next to her

"Get in I'll give you're a ride. It's ten degrees out here."

"I'm fine Cutler, really."

"You sound so much sweeter when you call me Jimmy." She glanced over at him.

"Then I should really stop calling you that then huh?" She kept on walking.

"Your pig headedness is going to get you in a whole lot of trouble one of these days."

"Already has." She turned up the path that took a good half mile off of her trip home and Cutler couldn't follow.

"Jess, damn it." He threw the truck into park and got out. He caught up to her in four long strides. "What the hell happened between last night and tonight to make you change your mind about us?" She turned and looked at him.

"When has there ever been an 'us'? You sleep with whatever you can take home and I live two thousand miles away. Do you think their can be an us between Christmas and New Years and the rest of the year you can be with whoever you want to be with? Cutler it's been two years since we first slept together…counting me tell me how many women you've slept with." He looked at her. His blue eyes smoldering with anger. He turned back to his truck and took three steps back toward it then turned around.

"Just because I'm screw up Jess doesn't mean what we have doesn't mean something to me. And for the record the only other woman I've slept with since that first night was Tracie and to be honest she didn't hold a candle to what I feel when I'm with you." He headed back up the trail and Jess watched him till he got back in his truck. Turning back to the trail she headed home wondering if she was ever going to stop screwing up the relationship with the men in her life.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 24, 1997**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt looked at his sister sitting on the floor next to the couch. She had been staying close to home and their parents most of the week. It wasn't like her. They had gone skiing but Jess hadn't seemed like her heart was in it. She always had loved to ski. Benji was sitting on the couch and she had her head resting on his knee and he was absently playing with her hair. Something was wrong and he wished he could help.

"Just tell her you want her to come home Matt." Cutler handed him a beer.

"She'd listen to you before she would me." Cutler shook his head.

"Jess and me don't see eye to eye on most things these days." Matt looked at his friend.

"She always turns to you when she's hurt."

"Not any more." Cutler looked at JT talking to Robin in the corner. "Maybe he's her new best friend." Matt looked up at his college friend standing ten feet away.

"No. She doesn't trust him."

"And you know this because?"

"I know she trusts you with everything, Cody with most things and me with what she can't keep from me. I know Benji is there when Cody can't be and her and Robin are closer then she lets on. She doesn't let anyone in easily and she hasn't known JT long enough to trust him with much of anything." Cutler looked at his best friend.

"Wow, your really paying attention." Matt took a swig of his beer.

"You bet your ass." Matt turned and looked at Cutler, a big storm brewing in his blue eyes. "And for the record if you're going to screw my sister under my father's roof make sure the window isn't open facing the barn." Matt took his beer and went to find his brother.


	12. Chapter 12

Beginnings

Chapter Twelve

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 31, 1997*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess finished packing the last of her things. She and JT had an early morning flight in the morning to Dallas. Jess wasn't sure why she was feeling uneasy about the trip but something in the back of her mind kept telling her to pull back. A knock at the door broke her out of her thoughts.

"Come in."

"Even if it's me?" Jess smiled.

"Yes Matt." He came in and closed the door behind him.

"Tell me what you've been keeping from Dad and the others." Jess looked at him. Even when they were fighting it was hard for her to hold back with him.

"I know Kitrick isn't your favorite person Matt but you have to trust that I can handle myself."

"I'll kill the son of a bitch if he gets you hurt or worse Jess."

"Do you believe I can take care of myself?" He nodded. "Do you trust if something happens and I can't that JT has my back?" Tilting his head in thought for a mere second he nodded. "Then believe that I'll be okay."

"Speaking of son of bitches have you talked to Cutler?"

"Not since the before Christmas Eve. The night we all went out." Matt looked at her with that look he saved for interrogating prisoners. "Why?"

"You haven't talked to him at all?" Jess raised her eyebrows and smiled.

"Not once. Why?" He looked at her.

"Are you going to continue to see him?" Jess looked at him.

"See him?"

"Don't make me say it Jess." Matt was starting to squirm. Jess tried not to smile.

"Say what?"

"I know your sleeping with Cutler Jess and I want to know if you've got him out of your system or not." Jess reached over and brushed the bangs out of Matt's face.

"I almost thought saying that would make you combust." She smiled. "Cutler and I are finished for now. I can't promise one day it won't start again but if it does Matt it's between me and Jimmy." He rolled his eyes at her. "He's still your best friend."

"Jess he'll hurt you."

"He can try. Now let's go down to dinner and celebrate the New Year right. By getting very, very drunk."

"You know you're not old enough to drink in the state of California."

"When has that ever stopped me?" Matt laughed.

"Yeah. I should know better then to question it. Just don't make me have to arrest you." He smiled. "Just be careful." Jess knew he wasn't just talking about tonight.

"I won't make a move without you knowing."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat at the bar nursing her soda. Jake knew better then to ask what was bothering her because he knew. It always came down to Cutler. He was playing pool with Cody and Benji.

"You're not drinking?"

"The sheriff has men all over. I didn't dare." She smiled.

"Like they would mess with you." Jake laughed.

"Oh they would love to take Jesse Hawkes baby girl to jail on New Years Eve."

"Where's you new partner?"

"He and Matt are bonding over wanted posters or something." A tall dark haired man came up to the bar next to Jess and ordered a whiskey. He looked at Jess and smiled.

"Hey Renny."

"You drinking Hawkes?"

"No sir."

"Good. How's your old man doing?"

"Good. How are Dana and the girls?"

"Good. Christmas was nice." Jess liked the sheriff's deputy. He had helped Cody when he beat up Terry White.

"Good."

"How's the new job treating you?"

"I like it. It's different from here but it's not too bad."

"You just stay out of Cole's way and you'll do just fine." Jess laughed.

"You're not the first person to tell me that." She turned and looked at Cutler and the others playing pool. "I have to come back. Who else would put up with that bunch of ingrates?" Renny laughed.

"Yeah me and Cutler have gone a few rounds since you left. The man is a miserable drunk." Jess looked at the older man.

"Just threaten to call me. He should go home with his tail between his legs. He doesn't want me to know how miserable he is without me."

"Thanks for the tip." He downed the last of his drink and tipped his hat. "It was nice seeing you again Jess. Take care."

"Thanks Renny, you too." Jess saw Cutler watching her. She would end up in his bed tonight. It was something she needed. One last goodbye. It would be a long time before she got back home. And when she did it would never be the same.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-January 1, 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cutler threw his keys on the table. He was way to drunk to care where they landed. He slipped off his boots and hung his jacket and gun on the hook by the door. Throwing the rest of his clothes on the floor he sat on the edge of his bed and opened the bottle of aspirin on the table next to it and took a handful of prevention before he passed out. A warm hand ran down his back.

"Happy New Year." Cutler laughed. How happy could it be when she was leaving and didn't plan on being back till next Christmas? He got into bed and gathered her against him.

"Matt knows." He whispered.

"I know and he'll get over it." Jess kissed him softly. "I can't leave without saying goodbye." She kissed his lips. "I don't want to leave without you knowing what these last few years have meant to me."

"You're coming home again Jess, right?" She ran his hand down his face.

"Someday." That was the last thing she said to him for a very long time.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-April 10, 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

JT sat in the small diner across from the hotel they were staying at in Dallas. Jess was late. It wasn't like her. This job had taken a whole lot out of both of them but it seemed like it had been harder on her. She slid in the booth ten minutes later looking like she hadn't slept in days.

"You okay?"

"Nothing a week in Maui wouldn't cure." The waitress poured her a cup of coffee. "Thanks Greta." She took a long drink. "So Cole say anything about when we're going to wrap this thing up?"

"Hopefully next week." Jess had never been this long without talking to her parents or her brothers. She heard from a source that Cody had been shipped out somewhere in the Middle East. She didn't like not knowing. "Pull it together Hawkes. You do me absolutely no good to me in the shape your in." She looked at him.

"I've been working day and night for the last four months. What more do you want me to do." JT knew she was right. Jess had done everything asked of her. Being young and looking younger helped them get in to circles normally inaccessible.

"I made some calls. Cody's safe behind a desk in Afghanistan for now. He'll be there till the end of the year unless things change over there." JT knew she was worrying about her brother. He could see it in her eyes. The waitress poured them both another cup of coffee.

"What can I get you today sweetie?"

"A new job?"

"All out of those but we got those banana pancakes you gave us the recipe for. You better get a stack before we run out." Jess smiled.

"Sounds good." The waitress left. "She's so sweet."

"You remind her of her daughter." Jess smiled. She knew JT flirted with all their waitresses but Greta was his favorite. "She died a few years back in a climbing accident. I told you were into that crap too. I think she prays for you at night." Jess looked at JT.

"What, do you guys sit and talk about me when I'm ten minutes late?" He smiled. "Just wait Mc Cullen. One day I'll be early." Looking down at her coffee her mind drifted to the stack of letters she'd spent the night reading. Ones from Matt mostly. Some from Cutler and her parents. One or two from Cody. Mia had sent them to her. Things in Lake Tahoe were going on without her but it wasn't the same. They all said so. Matt even told her he missed her.

"Are you going to be able to make it though this Jess because you're the inside go to girl for this mission? We worked long and hard to get you where we need you. The computer techs say there's big talk about the new girl on the block." Jess took another drink of her coffee.

"I'm doing what I can JT. They want me to hack the Pentagon computer. I told them it could take a few extra days."

"Hence the reason why you look like you do." She smiled. Greta put the pancakes in front of her and toast and eggs in front of JT.

"Have play the part of the hack that doesn't sleep right?"

"But you do need sleep Jess." He looked into her eyes. The dark circles around them weren't make up. She was truly loosing sleep. "Maybe this isn't the job for you."

"Don't you give up on me too Jasper Thomas." She smiled.

"Never. Tell them you're going to be checking some things out this week end and we'll take a mini vacation. I hear the Sierra Mountains still have a great base." Jess knew that JT worried about her. Even when he could clearly see she could take care of herself but sometimes it was nice to feel wanted.

"No I won't risk the mission." She finished her pancakes and grabbed her book bag. "See you when I get home from school." She kissed him as she walked by sealing their cover as high school computer hack and older bad boy boyfriend. More then once she saw some of her employers walk by the hotel and being as astute as she was she noticed another one of their lackeys leaning against a light pole across the street. JT watched as she crossed the street. Greta filled his coffee cup.

"You keep a tight reign on that one."

"I do my best but Greta; she's a handful and a half."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*May 15, 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt wanted to slam his fist into the nearest wall but he though better of it. The whole team had given him a wide birth the last few days. No one seemed to know where Jess was and if they did they weren't telling. Cutler came in with a box.

"What's this?"

"A package." Matt rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I got that." He looked at it. "Who's it from?"

"I guess your going to have to open it to find out." Cutler turned and left.

"You're an ass Cutler." Matt took his knife out of his belt and cut opened the box. There was a card along with another brightly wrapped box. He opened it.

'_Matt,_

_Happy Birthday. I wish I was home to help you celebrate but things here are up in the air. I promise I will be home soon._

_Jess_

Matt pulled out the second box. He smiled. He hadn't heard from her in almost six months. JT had told him that Jess might go weeks without being able to call or write. His parents were on edge with both Jess and Cody out of contact for so long. Opening the wrapping and then the box Matt pulled out a hand tooled leather shoulder holster.

"You busy?" His father stuck his head into his office.

"No, just opening a birthday present."

"Your birthday isn't for two weeks."

"I guess some people couldn't wait."

"Your sister?" Matt smiled.

"Yeah." Jesse stood in front of his son's desk and whistled.

"Nice."

"I guess I can quit worrying about her for another week of so." His father laughed.

"Never quit worrying." He looked at his oldest son. "Me and your mom are headed to Big Bear for the week end. I thought I'd let you know."

"Thanks. It always helps to know where to look for you if your get lost." Jesse shook his head.

"Your brother and sister are the smart asses not you." Jesse left and Matt sat down and looked at his present. Jess had always bought thoughtful and useful gifts. The phone rang and Matt picked it up.

"Ranger station. Matt Hawkes."

"Matt." The voice on the other end sent a cold chills though his blood.

"Where is she?" There was silence. "Kitrick I trusted you to keep her safe."

"I…JT is with her. We lost contact last night."

"Are you saying you don't know where they are?"

"They left Dallas at dawn. We followed them into Arizona and then we lost them. We picked up some weak radio singles out of Baja. I'm sending someone ahead."

"You have twenty four hours. After that I can't promise this won't get messy." Matt slammed down the phone. He couldn't tell his father that Jess was missing and he really couldn't track Cody down half way across the world. He needed to vent. He needed to worry without someone telling him he was over reacting. "Cutler!"

"Yeah boss." He came into the office.

"Are you up for a tip to Baja?"

"I'm always up for a trip to Baja. Matt were working we can't just pick up and go to Mexico."

"The hell I can't. Kitrick lost Jess and if he doesn't call with in the hour I'm going down there." Cutler looked at his best friend of nearly ten years. The look of pure anger was in his eyes.

"I'm the first one to admit I would do anything for your sister but Matt we have to think this out. You can't go down to Mexico half cocked and gunning for bear." Matt knew Cutler was right.

"You know the area. You raced down there." Cutler didn't like the fact that Matt should have to worry about Jess.

"Matt…" He saw the pain in his best friend's eyes. No matter what he said or did Jess meant the world to him. "I'll go get my gear." Cutler turned and headed to the door.

"Thank you." Matt said. Cutler tuned around and looked at his friend.

"When I get her back you better damn well tell her that you love her just as much as you love your brother." Cutler turned and headed to grab his gear and head to Baja.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-May 16. 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Somewhere in Baja California, Mexico

**2:15 am**

JT winced. The pain in his ribs was radiating to his whole body. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep next to Jess a few hours ago. She had been restless and worried about Cody. He had talked to her till nearly midnight then she had fallen asleep. The pounding at the door pissed him off because she hadn't slept in so long. He answered it, gun in hand then his world went black. He felt movement next to him. Maybe he was back in the hotel with Jess lying next to him.

"Jess?" He moaned quietly. He felt the fur touch his hand and jumped. The light from the window in the door showed two twitching rats where he had been just a second ago. The pain was worse then. He nearly passed out but he needed to get his bearings.

**2:30 am**

Jim Cutler hadn't always been a praying man. His father's abuse had left a bitter taste in his mouth for all that was deemed holy. Jess was eleven the first time she asked him about why he didn't go to church. He wasn't going to tell the impressionable young girl that his preacher daddy beat him into confession every Sunday before he delivered his sermon on love and tolerance. Later when his father died and the bitterness was boiling over it was Jess who made him see that God wasn't the bad guy. Their parents had been the evil ones. They shared a lot since then and he refused to believe that God would let harm come to a soul like Jess Hawkes.

Frank had dropped him off at the boarder and within an hour he had a jeep and his equipment loaded. He borrowed a tracking system from the boarder patrol and headed south. Laughing to himself he thought about the pull the Hawkes and the Rangers had. He was proud to be a member of such a respected group of law enforcement. If his old man could see him now.

**4:40 am**

Jess pounded the keys of the old computer. She had a Commodore 64 that ran faster then this thing. She looked at her 'boss'. Something big had to be brewing. Taking her and JT in the middle of the night and hauling them to Mexico was a bold move. One that wouldn't go unnoticed. But just in case she had the small transmitter deep in the seam of her pants leg that she tapped every few minutes to let Kitrick and whoever else that she was still alive. But was JT? They had pulled her out of bed and gagged and bagged her before she could react or see what they had done with her partner who had been lying beside her when she fell asleep.

"You need to finish. We need those codes by dawn." Jess looked at him.

"I want to see JT." Then man stood behind her.

"When you get the codes." She stopped typing.

"You get the codes when I see my boyfriend." Jess knew she was pushing it but if JT was gone she really had nothing to loose either way.

"You will see him soon." Jess pushed her chair back and pressed the seam of her pants to the leg of the chair.

"I will see him now." The man looked at her. She was a determined one.

"Get the man from his cell." He said to a younger man at the door.

"I was giving you what you wanted. You didn't have to play it this way."

"My friends were not giving me what I needed. You were the only one doing your job well. I needed to separate you from the others. You have a brilliant mind Miss…Hawkes is it." Jess froze. Swallowing hard she looked at the man. "I worked closely with your father once. Your picture sat on his desk along with those of his sons. I wasn't sure till yesterday."

"What happened yesterday?" The man threw an envelope on table. Jess looked down. It was a letter to her father that she had written but never sent. It had been tucked away in a pocket of her bag for months. A bag that never left her side.

"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." The man looked at Jess. "Didn't your father ever teach you that?" The door swung open and one shot rang out. Jess looked up.

"Somebody call for a cab?" Cutler stood at the door with JT next to him. Jess smiled.

"Took you long enough Jimmy." Jess stood up and caught the cuffs he threw her. She cuffed the older man. "I guess I found out just how long of reach my brother and my father have." She turned the older man over. "He used to work for the CHP."

"You didn't recognize him before this?" Jess shook her head.

"No. I only met him once when I was twelve. We ran into him at some ski thing in Big Bear." She looked at JT. "What truck hit you?" He shook his head.

"They put me in a room with rats Jess." She frowned. JT hated rats.

"Poor baby. Where's the rest of the gang?" Cutler pulled the man off the floor.

"Tied up. The Mexican's are going to be here soon. Let's grab this jack ass and get out of here." They headed for the door.

"Thanks for coming for us Jimmy." He looked at her.

"I'd move mountains for the Hawkes." They headed to Cutler's jeep and the safety of home.


	13. Chapter 13

Beginnings

Chapter Thirteen

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-August 30, 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

9:45 am

Jess sat on the back of her truck and watched the clouds drift over the mountains. It had been a long summer. After Cutler came to Baja to get her and JT, Kitrick had ridden the both of them hard. He was the last person who should be giving them double duty after leaving them in Mexico.

"You look like you lost your best friend." Cutler came out from behind the trailer. Grabbing his hand she pulled him to her and kissed him.

"How could I when you're right here." She laid her head on his chest and he held her close.

"I wish this week would never end." For more reasons then one. She turned twenty one this week. This meant she qualified for full active duty. He wasn't looking forward to worrying about her again.

"You're getting to be a softy in your old age James Cutler."

"Yeah, I guess." He pushed her away. "Are we going to ride or what?"

"Matt, Robin and Cody are on their way."

"Oh so the Hawkes are going to gang up on me and Kelly again. I see how it is." At the sound of another vehicle approaching they pulled away from each other. Matt hadn't said much about the time they had been spending together but Jess knew he didn't like it. Matt's truck pulled up. Robin, Matt and Cody got out of the cab and they all began unloading the dirt bikes off the trailers. Jess was glad Cody got a couple of weeks leave before heading back to the Middle East. It scared her that he was so far away from home when things were so unstable over there.

"Earth to Jess." Cody stood next to her.

"Sorry, my minds just wandering today."

"You better keep your head in the game little sister or you loose." He smiled.

"You haven't beaten me in sixteen years Cody James, your not going to start now." They all started their bikes and headed up the mountain.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*10:45am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-

Jess hit the trail going almost seventy. The men and Robin had given up catching her a long ways back. She hadn't felt this free in a really long time. She stopped at the top of the ridge just beyond their father's land and took in the beauty. It was one of the most beautiful pictures she carried in her mind. Smiling she took one last look as the sound of approaching bikes grew louder. Starting her bike she took off down the hill a little faster then before.

The fawn bolted out of the tree line first. Before Jess could hit the breaks the doe came right behind her. There was no place for her to go. She hit the doe with the force of the weight of her and her bike going nearly eighty. She would of flew a lot farther then she did but the big oak tree that slammed into her shoulder stopped her decent. The pain radiated though her body but she knew her shoulder had gotten the worse of it. She thought the fall when she was fifteen felt like hell but this…this was as close as she wanted to come to seeing the white lights. Taking a deep breath she rolled over on her back and flipped her helmet off with her good hand. The sounds of bikes approaching scared the fawn farther into the marsh. Jess looked at the doe lying beneath her bike. She was never going to live this down. Cutler was the first one to her. He laid his bike down and touched her shoulder.

"Don't please, it hurts."

"What?"

"My right shoulder. I…damn it…I dislocated it again." He looked at her then the deer trying hard to get up even though she had a two hundred and fifty pound dirt bike on her. "Get it off her." Jess looked at Cutler.

"Jess honey she's not going anywhere even if I do lift the bike."

"Just do it." Cutler got up and took the bike off the deer. Matt, Cody, and Robin stopped on the top of the ridge. The deer struggled to get on her feet but her back was broken. Jess swallowed hard.

"Jess, let's get you up." She shook her head.

"Take care of her." Cutler looked at her. Matt came down the ridge. The deer was struggling. "Matt please." He took his knife out of its case at his hip. She buried her head against Cutler and let Matt take care of the doe. "She came out from behind the trees."

"Jess it's a deer. Your alive and in one piece." Robin came down the ridge with the first aid bag. Jess looked at her brother. "Let Robin take a look."

"It's dislocated like before." Her left hand clung to the front of Cutlers jacket. "Matt you have to…put it back." She looked at him.

"Robin's the medic."

"She's not strong enough." Matt knew she was right. "Matt the longer it stays dislocated the harder it will be to heal."

"Maybe Cody should do it." She rolled her eyes.

"I really rather not have him inflicting pain on me right now."

"Oh and its okay for me to do it?" She looked into his eyes.

"You're the only one who can do it." He knew she was right. Sliding his boot into her arm pit he pulled up and twisted her shoulder back in place. Jess screamed. She gripped the front of Cutlers jacket so hard she pulled him over.

"Okay Jess. Breath." Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"It hurt a hell of a lot more this time."

"You're a few years older then the last time." She looked at her older brother and laughed.

"Get me the hell out of here." Cutler helped her up and Matt took the ace bandage that Robin handed him.

"Let's wrap you up." He yelled up to Cody. "Call Frank and have him meet us in the East Meadow."

"You got it." Cutler helped Matt ease Jess's jacket off.

"Only you would hit a deer in the middle of the damn forest." Matt laughed. Jess looked at him. She should be mad at him for laughing at her but he was right.

"It takes skill." She tried not to laugh as Matt stabilized her shoulder.

"Let's get you to the hospital and make sure everything's back where it should be."

"My bike."

"I'll come back for it." After he wrapped her shoulder Cutler and Matt helped her up the ridge. Cody went down and got her bike.

"I'll leave it at dads for now Jess. We can come back later."

"Cole's going to love me."

"Screw him." At the top of the ridge Jess looked down at the dead doe.

"She had fawn."

"We'll look for it Jess, lets just get you the hell out of here."

"Always the charmer." They walked toward the meadow.

"Yeah, yeah." Frank landed a few dozen feet away. "Get to the hospital, we'll meet you there."

"Yeah." Jess got into the helicopter. Frank looked at her.

"You loose a fight?"

"Yeah, with a deer." Frank raised his eyebrows.

"A deer?" Jess closed her eyes and leaned back in the seat and let the exhaustion over take her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*11:45 am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess lay on the exam table and looked out the window. She wouldn't let them give her anything for the pain because she hated the way they made her feel. The door opened and the doctor came in.

"Matt did a good job putting that shoulder back into place."

"Yeah, not too bad for a rookie." She cringed when the doctor rotated her arm. "Hey it still hurts you know."

""You can have something for the pain you know."

"Yeah I'm sure I have a bottle of tequila that will do just that." The doctor laughed.

"I recommend the vicoden; it doesn't give you a hangover." He helped her to a sitting position. "You need to take about a month or two of desk duty if you want that to heal properly." He handed her a paper. "At least a month Jess." She looked at him.

"You got it Doc."

"I mean it." He helped her off the table. "Your brother has your pain medication. Don't be afraid to ask for it." He left the room and Cody came in.

"Should I ask how your doing?" She shook her head.

"I guess I messed up a great day huh?" He looked at her.

"I'm sure you hit the deer on purpose. Matt found the fawn. He brought it to the animal sanctuary in Fallen Leaf." Cody looked at his sister. "Let's go get a drink."

"Yeah, I really need more then one."

"I'm not carrying your drunken ass home." Jess laughed. She really was going to miss him when he left again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 16, 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat on the balcony off her hotel room. She had never seen Christmas lights without snow. Kitrick had assigned her to the Miami office till her shoulder had healed and now she was here wrapping up some things before the New Year. She wouldn't be getting home anytime soon. Taking a long drink from her glass she looked at her phone. Cody had been in Afghanistan for over a month now and no one had heard from him. Even JT couldn't get a bead on where he was.

"Drinking won't make it any better Jess." She looked up to see JT standing at the door.

"Sure does feel like it does." She smiled and looked out at the lights of the city.

"Why don't you fly home next week? I can cover things for a few days."

"We have to wrap this up. I can't leave till Escobar is caught."

"If Escobar is smart he's long gone. Are you sure you're only twenty one because I have agents twice that age that couldn't give a rat's ass if they finish what they started."

"Responsibility for ones actions was bread into me at a young age."

"Then why don't you come have dinner with me. You have to eat."

"I could eat." He helped her up and led her back into the room. The sound of shattering glass had them both to ground in a spit second. It was a long time before the sound stopped echoing in their ears. When the sounded faded Jess tried to pull herself out from under JT but his limp body made it difficult.

"JT!" Jess turned him over blood seeping from his shoulder and thigh. "No. JT!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 22, 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt watched Jess as she slept curled up on his parents couch. She hadn't talked to anyone since she came home a few hours ago. Not even Cutler. Their parents had gone to Sacramento to pick up some equipment for the restaurant and no one had been here to greet her.

"I'm fine Matt." She opened her eyes.

"If you say so." She looked at him.

"Have you heard how JT is?"

"Stable. They air lifted him to Bethesda."

"I should have stayed with him."

"Kitrick wanted you here."

"I can't stay." She got up.

"You can't shut down either Jess." Taking the glass from the table she walked into the kitchen. "You can't drink the crap away either little sister." She turned and looked at him.

"Cody's gone, JT's fighting for his life and I'm here while a terrorist drug dealing murderer is spending his Christmas surrounded by everything he loves. Now there's a reason to drink." She slammed her glass down on the counter.

"Don't let this be the thing that breaks you Jess. Don't be the coward Kitrick thinks you are." Anger flared in her eyes. She turned around and went to slap him but he was quicker and grabbed her wrist. "That's how angry you need to get at Escobar. Angry is what keeps you alive. Shutting down gets you dead." He let go of her wrist. "I couldn't live with myself if this job killed you." Matt turned and went out the kitchen door, slamming it behind him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess looked down from her room at the snow falling. Her parents were spending then night in Sacramento because the roads were getting icy. Matt was working and Cody was gone. She was all alone. She had asked Matt not to tell Cutler she was coming home because she really didn't want him fussing over her. Now she wished she had told him she was coming home. She picked up the phone and dialed the station.

"Ranger Station Officer Flowers."

"Hey Izzy, is Matt there?"

"Sorry Jess he had to run to Carson City to deliver a prisoner. Cutlers here if you want to talk to him."

"No that's alright. Thanks."

"Anytime." Jess hung up and crawled into bed. She knew Matt was right and she was running from everything that had happened since she started working with the Secret Service. She was scared that she wasn't going to be able to be there when she needed to be.

"Jess." The sound of Cutler's voice broke her out of her thoughts.

"How did you know I was home?"

"Izzy said you called and when I checked the caller ID it came from here." He sat on the edge of the bed and brushed the hair from her face. "Matt won't talk to me about you. I was worried when you didn't call about coming home for Christmas."

"JT was shot." He took her hand.

"I'm sorry."

"You better go. Matt might get home any minute."

"Matt won't be home for hours." He leaned over and kissed her. "I need you Jess." She swallowed hard. Jim Cutler didn't need anyone, especially not her. Taking her face in his hands he deepened the kiss and pressed her against the mattress. Jess was numb. Cutler could say her name and she would melt but tonight all she felt was cold and numb. He stopped kissing her and looked into her eyes. "Jess?"

"Go home Cutler." She turned and faced the wall closing her eyes and hoping he would just leave, no questions asked.

"I'm not leaving you alone." He covered her up and ran his hand down her cheek. "Talk to me Jess."

"I need to find Escobar. I need to put him away before he hurts someone else."

"Jess please don't talk that way. You told me yourself that Escobar was bad news. You can't just go hut him down."

"It's my job." She turned and looked at him. He knew she had been crying.

"Baby it may be your job but no one is telling you to go after him yourself."

"He tried to kill me and JT."

"More the reason not to go back to Miami half cocked."

"Lock the door on your way out Jimmy." Jess turned over and closed her eyes. Cutler knew there was no talking to her when she got this way. He'd go back to the station and wait for Matt. Maybe he could talk some sense into her or at least make Jesse talk to her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

It was nearly three am before Matt and Robin pulled into the station. They both were tired and ready for bed. They got out of the van.

"I'm going to take a long shower and sleep for a week." Robin said as she headed for the front door.

"I'm going to check on Jess and stay at dad and moms tonight."

"How's she taking JT getting shot?"

"Not good." He looked at Robin. "I feel like it's all my fault for her getting in over her head. If I'd just let her train here with us."

"Then you might have had to wash her out Matt. You know Jess better then anyone. She would have tried too hard and failed. She knows the book stuff and her scores are off the charts but her lack of discipline would have blown it for her." Matt knew she was right. Jess was smart and she was strong but she needed structure to continue to grow.

"I just hope she's not in too deep."

"I think she can handle it and if she can prove she can she's ready to come home." Matt knew Robin right. He followed her in the station. Izzy was sitting at the front desk. He looked liked he'd was ready for bed.

"Where are Hart and Cutler?"

"Serving a warrant."

"Okay." Matt looked at him.

"Something happen while we were gone."

"Other then Cutler putting his fist though the locker room wall it's been quiet?"

"Cutler put his fist though the locker room wall?" Matt looked at Izzy.

"Don't ask me why because I don't care." He closed the book he was reading. "I here the blazer pulling up. I'm out of here. Claire is never going to marry me if I keep getting the crappy hours." Matt smiled.

"Claire wouldn't marry you if you were unemployed." Hart and Cutler walked in and Matt could feel the tension. He nodded to the two men who just walked in and headed to the kitchen to make coffee. He knew it was going to be a long night.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cutler changed into his jeans and long sleeved t-shirt and slammed his locker. Matt was going to make him fix the hole he put in the wall earlier and he knew deserved that punishment and more. He had gone over to see Jess just to say hello but whenever he got her alone all he wanted was to make love to her. She had changed. The woman who just a few months ago warmed his heart and his bed was cold and emotionless. He didn't know if he should be mad at Kitrick for being an ass of a boss or Matt for sending her to him.

"Thinking of putting another hole in the wall?" Cutler looked up to see Matt standing at the locker room door. He handed him a cup of coffee.

"Thanks. No, I'm thinking your going to kick my ass for putting it there."

"Did you have a good reason to put it there?" Matt smiled a small smile. Cutler smiled a little too.

"Hell yeah." Matt sat down on the bench next to his friend.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'd love to but the subject is off limits." Matt looked into his coffee.

"Pretend she isn't who she is."

"Are you okay with that?"

"For this moment yes. Because I need to know what's bothering my best friend enough to put a hole the size of a soft ball in the wall."

"She's shutting down and I don't know how to stop it."

"I know. I talked to her earlier. I was hoping I got though to her."

"I've never see her so cold. Not even after White…"

"She still thought the world was all sunshine and skiing back then." Matt looked at the hole in the wall. "First thing in the morning you patch that hole and I'll see what I can do about our other problem."

"Matt I know you don't want to here this but if we're telling it like it is I want you to know Jess means the world to me." Matt looked at his friend.

"Well my friend she is the world to this family so I suggest you don't do anything stupid that might make my family change their opinion about you."

"I never meant for this to happen Matt. We've both tried to stop it but we both seem to just come back to it."

"I've know you almost as long as I've known her and all I can say is that when one of you screws this up, and one of you will, it's going to be hell on the both of you."

"I won't let that happen Matt." Matt stood up.

"I know you think that now, but Jimmy my sister is a force to be reckoned with and coming from a person who's been on the other side of her hurt and anger I know." He went to the door and turned around. "Get some sleep. I'm going to the house and talk to Jess. Why don't you come over for breakfast?"

"It's almost breakfast now."

"How's eight? I'll tell Hart we'll be in at nine."

"Sounds good." Matt left and Cutler laid down but they never got that breakfast because when Matt went to his parents to talk to Jess she was gone.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 28. 1998*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Miami, Florida

The vodka went down smooth and Jess watched in the mirror as the man at the back table. He was surrounded by woman and bodyguards. He was wanted by the US Government o hundred different chargers but yet he sat out in the open at a Miami night club. She knew there was a hundred me waiting outside but she wanted to face the man who nearly killed her. Turning she walked though the crowd and straight toward him. All Escobar had to do was raise his hand and she'd be dead. The she only had three more steps before she was in front of him the lights went out and the screams started. Jess felt a strong hand over her mouth and someone picked her up and carried her though the crowd to leaving people in their wake. The back door was kicked open and she was flung against the brick wall.

"I knew I should have told your brother to go to hell when he asked me to give you a chance. Damn Hawkes are all trouble." Cole looked at Jess. People were pouring out of the night club from the door he just opened. "What the hell do you think you were doing in there Jess?"

"Taking the bastard down who nearly killed me and my partner."

"You knew we were taking him in tonight. He could have killed you." Jess glared at him.

"Who the hell cares at this point? I've got nothing to loose."

"Yeah well you have a lot to loose. Your job, your life. You ever pull another stunt like this Hawkes; I'll have you cleaning bathrooms at the nearest federal penitentiary. Do you understand me!?"

"Yes sir." He dragged her to the front of the building. The team was bringing Escobar and his men out of the night club.

"See Hawkes. We got our man."

"I see sir." He let go of her.

"Go pack your things. The flight for DC leaves in a half hour." Jess headed in the direction of her parked rental car. This wasn't what she wanted for her life but until Matt was ready to believe she had the strength to come home she had no choice but to stay and prove it to him that she could make it in the mountains and in the real world.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess unlocked her hotel room door and threw the key card on the desk.

"You broke your mother's heart leaving the way you did." Jess looked up to see her father standing by the patio door.

"I guess I'm disappointing everyone this week." She leaned against the dresser. "There really wasn't much hope I'd be anything less then a disappointment was there?" Jesse took three steps toward her and stopped, his blue eyes blazing at his daughter.

"You've done everything in your power to piss the people around off so much they'd rather just give up on you then put up with you is that it?"

"You know I've never felt like I fit in anywhere."

"I know that you have a family that loves more then anything in this world Jesse Lynn. And whether you want to believe it or not they want you back home safe when the time comes." Jess looked at her father.

"Tell mom I'm sorry but I won't be back." She started throwing her things in her duffle bag. Jesse came behind her and looked at her in the mirror of the dresser.

"I don't know where you got the chip on shoulder from young lady but I know me and your mother didn't raise you to be the person you feel you need to be right now. Whatever it is Cole has done to make you the heartless bitch you've become Jess you better find away to push past it because you've got people back home who need the person you used to be." She looked at him though the mirror.

"I really don't think she's strong enough to come back." She went into the bathroom to pack her the rest of her things and when she came out he was gone. Jess knew she could never go home now. She at hurt the last two people who really gave a damn about her. Too exhausted to even cry she finished packing her bags and headed to the airport.


	14. Chapter 14

Beginnings

Chapter Fourteen

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-October 14, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt sat on the edge of the meadow just south of his father's cabin. Cody was home and he was meeting him here to go fishing with Cutler and Benji. He'd come up early last night to clear his head. No one had heard from Jess in over three months. He hadn't told Cody because he would only worry.

"Hey." Cody came up and sat on the log over looking the lake.

"You're early. I didn't expect your till tonight."

"I caught an earlier flight. Cutler and Benji are coming in the morning."

"How are things going down there?"

"Good. Cutler may make it as a great leader some day." Matt smiled. "I know you haven't heard from her either."

"I haven't heard from her because she doesn't talk to me."

"She isn't talking to me either. JT said she's doing fine. She's the perfect soldier."

"She's going to come home Cody. Sooner or later she will come home." Cody looked at his brother.

"She hasn't been home in nearly two years Matt. Mom is a wreck and dad's ready to hall her ass back himself."

"What did she say the last time you talked to her?"

"She wasn't feeling well. She thought it was something in the air."

"Maybe someone should go out there."

"She needs to work this out her self."

"That's the last thing I thought I would hear coming out of your mouth Cody."

"I don't know what to say anymore. She's not the same person I grew up with Matt. She's cold. I talk to her and there's no warmth. No caring. She sounds relieved that I'm doing okay but other then that she doesn't share anything. Has she talked to Cutler?"

"She won't even answer his e-mails anymore." Matt looked out at the water. "I feel like this is my entire fault Cody." Cody looked at his brother.

"No one knew she was going to cut herself off from us."

"I should have realized that maybe things weren't so good for her before she came to us."

"Do you think Lee and Hale hurt her?"

"I don't know but something set her off and I wish I knew what it was."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess rolled over. The man next to her pulled her back against him. Her head was pounding and she needed a shower. The smell of coffee hit her hard as she opened one eye to see JT standing next to her bed.

"Time to go to work." She rolled her on her back.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?"

"I tried waking you up with a phone call, a knock on the door, making coffee, and yelling at you to get your ass out of bed. This was my last hope. Who's the blond?" Jess looked at the man next to her sound asleep.

"Chaz, Chase, Chance, something like that." She started to get up. "Do you mind?" JT shook his head.

"Go right ahead, don't let me stop you." She shook her head and got up and waked naked to the bathroom. "Your brother called me again." JT went to the bathroom door. "You need to talk to him Jess." The shower turned on. "Jess damn it." Opening the door he set the coffee down on the counter. "You need to talk to them Jess."

"You need to mind you own business Jasper Thomas."

"Jesse Lynn you are my business. You're my partner and my friend. You loosing touch with your family isn't what Matt had in mind when he told you to spread you wings." Jess looked around the side of the shower curtain.

"Drop dead JT."

"I almost did and that's why you're being a cold heartless bitch."

"I've was always prided my self on being heartless and bitchy. It helps with the work." JT leaned against the counter.

"To the criminals Jess, not your family." She got back under the spray. The nausea hit her hard. Grabbing on to the edge of the shower she started puking. "Jess!" He pulled back the curtain and Jess was on her knees. "Damn it I told you to lay of the tequila."

"I have been." She puked again. "I must have eaten something bad."

"Jess you've been sick on and off for weeks. You need to go to the doctor." Jess shook her head.

"Get out of my bathroom Jasper and warm up my coffee." She got up and finished her shower.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess came into the kitchen in jeans and a t-shirt. JT was making eggs and the blond man was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

"Good morning gentlemen." She smiled. After puking she felt a whole lot better.

"Call Cody, please." Jess glared at JT and headed to the phone. "Charlie how do you want your eggs?" Jess smiled a thank you for getting her new friends name. The phone rang three times.

"Hawkes."

"JT said you wanted me to call."

"I wanted you to want to call."

"I've been busy Cody. I know your only home for a few days but really I couldn't get away."

"Matt and Jim are worried about you."

"Tell them I'm fine. Really Cody, I've been taking care of myself for more years then you know."

"Don't be reckless Jess." Jess looked at the man sitting at her kitchen table. She smiled to herself.

"Don't worry about me Cody. It's all good. Tell Matt and Jimmy I can take care of myself."

"Come home."

"I am home. Good-bye Cody." She hung up. Sitting down at the table JT put a plate of eggs and toast in front of her.

"At least he knows you're still alive."

"Whatever."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*October 29, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess had the man in her sights.

"I have the shot."

"Wait for it Jess." JT whispered in her ear.

"I have the solution JT."

"And I have my orders Jess now hold your fire." Sweat was pouring down her forehead.

"This is it JT. Last job."

"Now's not the time."

"Just letting you know."

"What are you going to do?"

"Go home."

"Take the shot." Jess pulled the trigger and the man across the park fell to the ground. "Well it's about damn time."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*November 4, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess couldn't get out of bed. JT and some friends were coming any minute to help her put the last of the things into her truck and she could barely lift her head. She had been weak the last few days and this morning was the worst.

"JESS!" Swallowing hard she tried to call to JT but she couldn't. He found her in bed.

"I think its time to go to the hospital now."

"You think?" JT helped her out of bed. "How long have you been sick this time?"

"A couple of days. Just the nausea."

"How many times have you thrown up?"

"I lost count." He helped her slip on a jacket. JT could tell just by helping her out of bed it had been awhile since she was able to keep anything down. Her athletic body was at least twenty pounds lighter then a few weeks before.

"I'll call your parents when we get to the hospital."

"No. I haven't even told them I'm coming home yet."

"Jess if something serious is wrong."

"Please just get me…" She pushed away from him and just made it to the bathroom before throwing up again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

JT paced back and forth trying to convince himself that it was okay that he wasn't calling Jesse and Jackie and telling them that Jess was in the hospital. Maybe he should call Matt or Cody. The doctor came up to him. The older woman looked concerned.

"Are you with the Ms Hawkes?"

"I'm her partner."

"Does she have any family?"

"No, I'm all she's got here. There's release papers on file with the Secret Service that gives me permission to authorize treatment."

"Ms. Hawkes is suffering from arsenic poisoning."

"Arsenic. I though…well people die right away from that."

"Smaller animals yes. A human if given in small amounts it may take weeks maybe even months if someone wanted it to go undetected."

"How long has she been…getting the poison?"

"By the hair follicle test we took about six months. A few more days and it would have killed her." JT rubbed his hands over his face.

"This stays between you, me and her doc. If it gets out someone was trying to kill a Secret Service Agent it wouldn't go over to well."

"I understand."

"How do you think the poison was being given to her?"

"I would think that it would be something that was given to her in small amounts daily that only she would be digesting." JT closed his eyes and thought for a moment.

"Coffee?"

"That would make scene. It's used in small amounts daily if she was the only one drinking from the pot."

"Mostly just her. Others now and then."

"If it wasn't daily then I would think there is no harm done to those who had a cup or two."

"Okay. Can I bring you in the coffee to be tested?"

"Please do." The doctor nodded good-bye when JT's phone rang. Taking it off his belt he walked down the hall and answered it. "Mc Cullen."

"Where are you man, we're all at Jess's." Max Olson was part of his team.

"We got trouble. Get inside and grab the coffee can from the freezer and meet me at the hospital."

"What's wrong?"

"Somebody's trying to kill Jess." JT hung up and leaned against the stark white wall. Closing his eyes he though about calling the Hawkes, but thought better of it because there was nothing they could do two thousand miles away and he didn't three angry armed men gunning for bear in his city right now.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*November 14, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt sat at his desk and looked at the papers in front of him. Shaking his head he tried to be excited about the fourteen applicants applying for two positions on his team. Six of them didn't have the rescue background and four didn't have the education he was looking for so that left four and an envelope he go in today's mail. Taking his letter opener he slid it across the top of the envelope. It was thicker then the others. Somebody was over compensating. Matt unfolded the letter and went to the signature on the bottom. He swallowed hard. Jesse Lynn Hawkes. He tried not to smile. She was coming home. Closing his eyes he thanked whoever made her see that she was still welcome here.

"Cutler!" Matt stood up when his friend entered the room.

"Yeah boss."

"Have you heard from my sister?"

"No. I e-mailed her about a week ago but I haven't heard anything back." Matt handed Cutler the application. "She's coming home?"

"Looks like it." Cutler smiled. "Neither one of us can do her evaluation."

"None of us can be neutral enough Matt." Robin walked by the window. "Except Miss Sweden. She won't show any favorites. In fact she'll push Jess harder then anyone."

"Think she'll do it?"

"She'll eat Jess for breakfast." The phone rang.

"I'll get this. You go talk to her." Cutler left the room and Matt picked up the phone. "Ranger Station, Hawkes."

"Hi."

"Hey Jess." Matt sat down.

"I'm coming home." Her voice was unsteady.

"I just got your application."

"Good. I don't want you to think I expect any special treatment."

"I didn't think you wanted it any other way." She was quiet. "What's wrong?"

"I've been sick. I'm better but I still get a little tired."

"Do you want somebody to drive home with you? I could get Cutler to fly out. Or I could take a few days."

"I need time to clear my head."

"Jess, there's something you're not telling me."

"I'm just tired Matt. Don't tell mom and dad I'm coming home. I want to surprise them."

"It'll be the best Christmas present you've ever given them. Mom has been a mess since Miami."

"I'm not the person that left Matt. They should know that much."

"You'll get her back after spending some time back here."

"I wish I could believe that but I think she's dead. I have to go. Tell mom and dad I love them." She hung up before Matt could ask if she had talked to Cody. He hung up as Cutler came back into the office.

"She's game."

"Good, because I have a feeling she's coming home with some mighty heavy baggage."

"Kitrick?"

"I don't know. What makes a person pick up and leave a job without having another one?"

"Someone running from something."

"Exactly." Matt looked at the application in front of him. Sliding the last paper out he saw it was a picture. Matt smiled. Jess had drawn him a get well card when she had broken his jaw. It was that picture with the big letters of an eight year old saying 'I'm Sorry'. Matt smiled. Maybe some day they would be friends again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-November 23, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

6:30 am

It was quiet when Jess pulled her truck behind the stables. She wanted to enjoy some peace before walking in on the family. She heard talking in the barn but it was all one sided. Stopping at the door she listened.

"She'll be home soon girl, I promise. I know Matt hasn't been taking you out like he said he would but things have been getting busy around here." Jess watched Cutler rub Stella's head. "I bet she misses you more then she misses anyone else." He reached in his pocket and pulled out slices of apple. "I better get the rest of these stalls clean before the boss man comes in and catches me flirting with the girls." Jess couldn't help but laugh out loud. Cutler turned and smiled.

"Jess!" He came to her and hugged her. She had never felt so safe and warm in all her life. She clung to him, tears falling down her cheeks. "God baby what the hell happened to you out there." Holding her he could feel that she had lost weight. More weight then she could afford to loose.

"Maybe I'll share it with you some time." She said clinging to him. He ran his hand down her back.

"I missed you so much." She had missed him more. The men she'd taken up with over the past year were just there to make her forget what she had messed up with him.

"Not as much as I missed you." She raised her head and kissed him. Her lips were cold against his warm ones and she felt her insides warm like they did before the Miami incident. She pushed him against the stall door and pulled the zipper of his jacket down; pulling his shirt out of his pants she ran her cold hands up his warm chest. He caught her hands.

"Jess you need to slow down. Matt is in the office and you need to go see your parents." He took her face in his hands. "We have a lot of things we need to talk about." She looked at him with her sad brown eyes. She knew he was right. "We'll have plenty of time." He kissed the top of her head. "Do want me to help you unload your truck."

"I don't know where I'm staying." He wanted to offer to let her stay at his place but now wasn't the time. "I'll see you at dinner." She turned and walked out. Cutler knew if he followed her he would do more harm then good. He fed Stella the last of the apple from his pocket and headed into the Station. Matt was at the fount desk.

"Stella feeling any better?"

"I think she'll be okay now. Jess pulled up when I was in the barn."

"Jess is here?"

"Yeah. Matt something's wrong. She's lost a lot of weight."

"She said she was sick."

"Sick is loosing a few pounds, Matt this isn't a few pounds." Matt saw the worried look on his friends face.

"Did she say anything?"

"Not much." Cutler looked out the window toward Jesse and Jackie's house. "She wasn't ready to talk about it. Matt she looks rough. If we held trials now she would never cut it."

"You think its that bad?"

"I've know your sister a long time Matt and she's never been sick like this. Hell the girl never even gets a cold."

"Maybe when Cody comes home next week she'll talk to him."

"Can't you call JT and ask him what the hell is going on?"

"I already did. He's not talking." Matt stood up and went to his friend. "Give her some time. She just needs some of moms home cooking and she'll be back to her old self." Matt tuned to go to the kitchen and hopped he was right.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess opened the back door of her parents cabin and smelled the turkey already in the oven. She smiled. IT had been two years since she felt the warmth of her mother's kitchen. Her father wasn't at his place at the table. She looked at the clock. It was almost seven. They must have gone for a walk to watch the sun rise. Jess went to her room. It hadn't changed much in the time she'd been gone. Smiling she took off her coat, threw it on the chair and crawled into her bed. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Jess." The voice was echoing in her ear. "Jess, wake up." Her eyes fluttered open.

"Cody?" Her voice was dry from sleep.

"You didn't think I'd miss the prodigal daughters return did you?" He brushed the hair out of her face.

"I'm sorry I haven't written. I was packing and lost track of things."

"I know things have been rough. Mom said dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes." Jess sat up. Cody couldn't help but notice she didn't look much like herself. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little tired. I didn't mean to sleep so long. I just was going to lie down for a minute."

"Hey, it's okay Jess. Just relax." Cody rubbed her shoulders. "Take your time coming down. There is no way dinner will start without you."

"Everyone is here?"

"Pretty much. Benji brought a date,"

"That should make for a few blond moments." Cody stood up.

"I'll meet you downstairs."

"Tell mom I'm sorry I slept so long and that I'll jump in the shower and be down as soon as I can."

"Like I said no rush, dinner won't start without you." Cody left her room and went to his and sat on his bed. Running his hands though his hair he looked at the picture on his bedside table. They had taken it the day Jess hit the deer. Stopping for lunch Cutler had gotten his camera out and set it on a log. Cody picked up the picture. It was the last time he'd seen Jess smile. The last time any of them had. Tomorrow he would talk her into going to the doctors. He had to. The Jess smiling back at him was five seven and a hundred and forty pounds of muscle. Stronger then most men he knew and faster then him no matter what the terrain. That's not who was in her room just now. A knock at his door brought him out of his thoughts. "Come in." Matt was there. He came into the room and shut the door.

"Is it as bad as Cutler said?" Cody put down the picture and looked at his brother.

"I'm sure makeup can hide the black shadows under her eyes but she'll never be able to hide how thin she's gotten. Not from dad and mom at least." Matt sat on the bed next to his brother.

"I screwed up Cody. I sent her away and it's destroyed her and I don't know how to fix it."

"You did what you did to protect her." Cody stood up and looked at the sun setting over the mountains. "We all need a dose of reality. If we lived our whole lives thinking this mountain is all there is we'd be a pretty boring bunch." Cody turned back to his brother. "Jess will forgive you. Just give it time."

"What about you?"

"You did what you did because you didn't want her to end up like me. I get that. I also know that you wouldn't do what you do if you didn't care. I've always had one foot planted on this mountain. You saw what was on the other side and wanted to share it with Jess. But now she's back and she'll be more determined then ever to earn her spot. Just know that she's not going down easy."

"What makes you think I want her to fail?"

"You don't. I know that. If you could you'd put her on the roster right now, the hell with protocol." The look in Matt's eyes told Cody he was right. "But she's not strong enough to pull it off. She couldn't afford to loose four pounds let alone the forty I'm pretty sure she did. I have two months left of my tour. Can you hold off till I get back to start training?"

"I start January fifteenth. The board wants my two new hires but March first."

"You have a problem with Cutler training with her?" Matt looked at his brother.

"You really think those two can spend more then a day together and not end up back where they were two years ago."

"Honestly no. I really don't have a problem with the two of them dating or whatever it is they do but I know it pisses the hell out of you and maybe, just maybe if you get mad enough she'll fight to get back whatever she lost these last few years and you can feel less guilty then you do right now." Matt hated when his little brother was right. Lately Cody was always right.

"We better get downstairs before mom pitches a fit. I'll think about what you said." They both headed downstairs to brace themselves for the shock their parents were going to get when Jess came downstairs.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess knew her parent wouldn't say much about her weight loss but her brothers and Cutler would make a big deal of it. She had gained a few pounds back after leaving the hospital but she still had a lot to go before she was back to where she felt comfortable. She came down the back stairs knowing that the kitchen would be less busy then the front room.

"There's my baby girl." Jackie was at the counter mashing potatoes. She came around the island and hugged her close. Jess knew by the way her mother clung to her that she was worried about the change in her body.

"I'm fine now mom. Really." She clung to her mother. "I'm home now."

"Yes you are. And you my dear are never going to leave again." Jess smiled. She pushed away from her mother.

"Can I help with anything? I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"You had a long drive. The boys helped. Your father is in the den. He wants to see you." Jess looked at her mother.

"Is he mad?"

"Jessie Lynn, has your father ever gotten mad at you?"

"You forget who you're talking to." Jackie smiled.

"I think he just wants you alone so when he gets all teary eyed he won't loose his macho dad thing in front of the boys." Jess smiled and headed to her father's den. Knocking she heard a faint 'come in' and opened the door. "Mom said you wanted to see me?"

"It took you long enough to come home." Jesse came around the desk and looked at her.

"I know. I just wanted to put in my time. It was easier if I didn't come home."

"You're staying? For good?" She looked at him.

"If things work out." He looked at her with his stern blue eyes.

"The next time you decide to pull a stunt like the one you did two years ago I will hall your ass back to this mountain. You're not too old for me to put you over my knee young lady." Jess smiled a small smile. Her father hugged her close. She was home and feeling better then she had in a very long time.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*November 24, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess sat at the bar and watched Cody and Benji play pool. Cutler sat next to her. He was watching like a Hawke. She laughed at her own joke. Cody dragged her to the medical center today and the doctor said everything was fine. The poison was out of her system but she still might be tired and restless for a few more weeks. She didn't tell Cody about the poison part of it of course. That could really wait for another time. She felt Cutlers hand on her back. She turned and looked at him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You looked like you were off in your own little world." Smiling Jess leaned over and kissed him.

"I wouldn't go there without you." Cutler swallowed and looked at Cody shooting pool. "Your not afraid of him are you?"

"I've learned to fear all the men in your family Jess." She smiled but it didn't quite make it to her eyes. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah." The door opened and Jess did a double take. "Jasper Thomas is that you?" He smiled and walked toward her pulling her off the bar stool and into his arms.

"You are a sight for sore eyes Jesse Lynn!" He held her close and spun her around. "You look like hell but better then the last time I saw you." She took a deep breath when he put her down. "The whole team quit Jess." He looked into her eyes. "I got a job at a private security firm in LA."

"Good. I'm glad to know you're all out of there." Cody came up to them.

"Hey man long time no see." The two men shook hands and JT turned to Cutler and shook his hand.

"Sorry Cutler I didn't see you there." Cutler had a smart ass remark ready to throw at the younger man but Jess's hand on his thigh stopped him. "So your feeling better I see." JT looked back at Jess.

"Yeah." She looked down at her boots."

"You didn't tell them, did you?" Cody looked at JT and then at Jess. She shook her head. "You were supposed to tell them." She looked at JT's intense blue stare.

"I was going to. I just…Matt can't know. It's killing him already that I came back looking like crap I'm not going to tell him why." Cody looked at his sister.

"Enlighten me then Jess." She looked at him.

"I wasn't just sick. I was poisoned." She looked at the four men standing around her. Benji wasn't one to be left out of anything. He was still mad about missing out on her crashing into the deer. "Someone was poisoning my coffee at home." Cody looked like the wind was knocked out of him.

"Someone was trying to kill you?" Cutler asked, just as stunned as Cody.

"Yeah. If I hadn't gone a few weeks on some all night stake outs and bought coffee elsewhere I would have been dead. I was lucky I pulled a few all niters here and there or I would have been a goner." Jess looked at JT. She knew he was itching to tell him the rest. "JT and the others think its Cole." The anger flew hot around her. She could feel the testosterone reaching record levels. If Jake, the bars owner was standing closer I'm sure it would have radiated off him too. "Everyone take a deep breath because no one can prove it. It's just a thought." She looked at three sets of ice blue eyes and one set of emerald green. "Please, it's over. I don't need the bunch of you going off half cocked. Matt can't find out. Please. This doesn't leave this room." She glared at the four of them.

"Fine." They all said at once.

"And until we find out if and why Kitrick did this, he's off limits." Jess knew that she had the power over them to make them see things her way. She had been using it against them most of her life. They all nodded in agreement. "Good. Next rounds on me." She threw a fifty on the bar and bought a round for the house.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess leaned against Cutler's chest. He was sitting on the bar stool and she was between his legs watching JT try to beat Cody at darts. Cutler pulled back her hair and kissed her neck.

"We should get out of here. I have an early shift in the morning." He whispered in her ear. "Are you coming home with me?" Jess smiled.

"Do you think my brother will cover for me?" Cutler looked at Cody.

"Your brother is trashed. I think he would tell your parent you were abducted by aliens if you wanted him to."

"Nothing that drastic. Jesse would not believe that little green men took me to have their way with me. You on the other hand…" She tilted her head and kissed him.

"Let's get out of here. JT can bring Cody and Benji home." Jess looked at Benji in the corner with a brunette.

"Benji has his own ride. JT's been slamming all kinds of stuff. He can't drive." Cutler laughed.

"The only thing Jasper has been slamming is root beer. Baby you're so cut off. Now let's go." He pushed her off his lap and stood up. "I will go tell the man not carrying a gun that I'm taking his baby sister home with me." He pulled her with him as he walked.

"Maybe I should have JT bring me home." He pulled her into his arms.

"Not even funny Jess." They were at the pool table. "Cody I'm walking your sister home. Have Jasper drive your sorry ass home." Cody looked at his sister then Cutler.

"Don't come crying to me when Matt shoots you both." He turned back to the dart board. Cutler led Jess out into the cold November night. He tucked her under his arm and headed down the street.

"You cold?" Jess shook her head. They walked the snowy streets that were quiet for a Friday night. "Were you going to tell me about Kitrick?"

"One day soon. I wanted to sit down and tell you everything about the last few years. Things we just never got around to talking about." She looked at the sidewalk ahead of them. "Things I should have said before I left for Miami."

"I have next week end off. Maybe we should get out of here and spend some time away from prying eyes and brother's with guns." Jess smiled.

"Really. You want to go away with me for the week end?" Cutler stopped. He took her chin in his hand.

"Baby it's all I want. Then come Monday morning you and I are getting your ass back in shape." She laughed and turned.

"You have to catch me first." She skidded out of his arms and up the street with Cutler close behind her.


	15. Chapter 15

Beginnings

Chapter Fifteen

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 14, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess ran up the steps of the bleachers with a forty pound pack on her back. Cutler was waiting at the top. She cringed at the last three steps and then collapsed in front of him.

"If killing me was your point to this exercise you've succeeded Jimmy." She opened her eyes to see him sitting on the top step with a cup of coffee. He looked worried and distant today. Things had been going so well between them lately she had forgotten that they fought. A lot. "Something wrong?"

"You're pushing yourself too hard Jess."

"You're the one who made me climb six hundred steps with a pack full of rocks."

"Not just today. Jess do really want this?" He looked at her. "I know it's been your dream since you were a kid but you're still weak from being poisoned."

"I have a month. That's it. Who knows when Matt will get the funding for more Rangers again? It's not like anyone is retiring anytime soon." He looked at the sunrise above the mountain. Cutler knew she was right. Matt only got the funding because of the hikers last summer that they rescued after three days on the side of a cliff. They were short handed that trip and it showed. Matt asked for money for four and only got enough for two.

"Jess your thirty pounds under weight and you get winded doing wind sprints."

"You complaining Cutler?" She sat next to him and smiled. Grabbing his coffee she took a sip.

"Yeah, your boney ass is kind of a turn off." He leaned over and kissed her. "I'm just saying you're not in the condition you need to be and Kelly is going to push you as hard as she can." Jess looked down at her boots.

"I need to prove to Matt that I belong here."

"Jess he knows that. You don't have to kill yourself with this to prove it to him." She looked at him. His blue eyes shaded by his sunglasses.

"I need to do this for me Jimmy." He knew that too.

"All right then baby lets get cracking. Another three times should make for a fun morning work out." Jess glared at him and started down the steps.

"You're the one going to kill me." He smiled.

"If I do, it won't be on these steps baby."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt watched Jess get out of Cutler's truck and go to the barn with her pack. He didn't want to be pissed but he was. He agreed with Cody that Jess needed a work out but every morning since Thanksgiving they were up at the crack of dawn and he didn't see Jess till she stumbled in sometime before sun set. Cutler was doing what he was told. But he was also doing what Matt didn't want him to do. Spending nights with his little sister. His dad said she hadn't been home in days. His father didn't seem concerned that his daughter was spending way too much with one of Matt's Rangers.

"You need to stop frowning that way Matt." He looked up to see Robin come into the room.

"I need to get Cutler away from my sister is what I need." Robin smiled.

"As long as you hate it she will rub it in." Robin looked out the window at Cutler and Jess unloading feed from the back of Cutler's truck. "I've never seen him as happy as he's been since she's been back."

"Me either. Her too for that matter." Matt watched his sister as she hauled fifty pound bags of grain from the back of the truck into the barn. A few months ago she wouldn't have even struggled with the bags but now she labored to carry them the three or four yards from the truck to the storage area of the barn. "She's weak."

"She makes up for it in determination."

"Get JT on the phone. I want to know what really happened in DC." Robin looked at her boss.

"He's as loyal to her as Cutler and Cody." Matt turned headed out the back door.

"Then call Kitrick. I want some answers and I want them now." He grabbed his jacket. "Transfer the call to my dads." He left slamming the door behind him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*December 20, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess leaned against the bath tub in Cutler's apartment. She had just puked more then she ever had when she had been sick. Cutler had gone to work early and left her sleeping. She had woken up in a cold sweat and her stomach turning. She had gain back almost fifteen pounds since finding out she was being poisoned and her strength was coming back little by little. She had a month till eliminations started and she needed to be strong. Puking up last nights dinner wasn't cutting it. The pounding on the door was the only thing that made her get up off the floor. Taking a cold cloth she wiped her face and gargled some mouth wash then went to see who was making the pounding in her head sound quiet. She opened the door to see Matt standing on the doorstep.

"One swift quiet knock would have serviced Matt."

"It's one in the afternoon."

"So it means you can knock like the world was coming to an end."

"Where's Cutler?" Jess looked at her brother.

"He left for work this morning. It's really one?" Matt looked at her bloodshot eyes and pale skin.

"Jake induce another all night puke fest?"

"I haven't drank since the day after Thanksgiving." She looked at the clock. "Matt Cutler left at five. I know because he said I had an hour to sleep and he expected me there by six-thirty to hall hay." Jess took a step back. "Let me get dressed. We need to find him." She stumbled backward and Matt caught her.

"Jess what's wrong?"

"Nothing." She shook off his hand. "He wouldn't be late. Not this late. Why now…why not when he didn't come in." Her breathing was becoming labored. "Not him too…God please not him too." She turned and headed into the bedroom and slammed the door. Matt watched the door. He had called Cutler several times, paged him, and drove past the house. The next stop was the cabin if Jess hadn't answered. She came out dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Grabbing a fleece pullover off the coat rack and keys off the counter she headed for the door. "You coming?"

"Yeah." He followed her out. He was worried about her. Kitrick wouldn't tell him anything more then he already knew and that was bothering him something fierce. Snow had fallen last night but had stopped before daybreak. Jess bent down and looked at where Cutler's truck had been parked.

"He didn't tie his boots. I told him he was going to pay for being in such a rush in the morning." She looked at Matt. He bent next to her.

"His coffee spilt and he threw the cup in the trash." Nodding she stood and went to the can next to the door. She looked at the cup.

"It was the one with the leak. He kept meaning to throw it away but some how he forgot which one it was." Matt looked at the tracks out of the drive way.

"We'll loose the trail. The roads been clear since this morning." Jess looked into her brothers eyes.

"He was running late. He knows you're pissed at him already. One more screw up and he knows you'll can him."

"Why would I fire my best man?"

"Cause he's sleeping with your sister." She threw him the keys to her Jeep. "He took the short cut." She opened the passenger side and got in. Matt got into the drivers seat and put the jeep into four wheel drive and started the vehicle.

"It's nothing but field though there Jess. Nothing dangerous."

"Who are you trying to convince? You or me?" He pulled onto the road and headed toward the cut off to the camp ground.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Matt stopped at the base of the entrance to the Calloway Camp a Way. They had used the camp ground as a short cut to the station all the time. It had been closed since ninety six and was scheduled to reopen in the spring.

"He went though." Matt looked at Jess.

"Or started to." Matt picked up the mic and turned on the police radio. "Flying Tiger to base."

"Black Magic here Flying Tiger. Any sign of Flash?"

"I'm headed into the camp ground. It looks like he might have taken a short cut to work."

"You want some back up?"

"I have Jess with me but have White Eagle and Frost Bite on stand by."

"Ten-four boss man."

"Flying Tiger out." He hung up the mike. Heading the jeep in Cutlers tracks they entered the camp ground. "The tracks don't look like he was going very fast."

"His laces must have gotten tangled." Matt stopped. "Hit the entrance going over sixty. He slowed down going through the upper gate." Matt stopped at the top of the hill. Jess got out. "Deer."

"Jess…the best thing we can do is think positive." She looked at him.

"The last two years it was all I could do to stay positive. Now I get home to the peace I craved and one of my best friends has disappeared. Tell me oh wise brother of mine can any of this be positive." A low groan made them both look out. Cutler was coming up the hill.

"Could you two please quit arguing?" Jess ran the few yards toward him.

"What the hell happened?" He looked at Matt.

"I was late and my laces got tangled in the breaks. The first bunch of deer crossed my path and I slowed down and then when they passed I punched it and another herd shot out of the bushes. I cranked it and tried to hit the break but my laces, I put my truck in the ditch. I hit my head and was out for awhile and I think I cracked my ribs." Matt went to him just before he fell to his knees. "Sorry I'm late boss."

"Don't let it happen again. You want me to call Frank or do you think the ribs can take the drive to the hospital?" Cutler looked at both of them.

"Depends who's driving." Jess smiled. Matt helped Cutler to the jeep. Jess got in the back and helped from behind. "Jess, are you okay?" He looked at her.

"You're the one who just crashed his car." She pulled a blanket form the back of the seat and wrapped it around it. He looked at her.

"I'm okay Jess." Matt got into the jeep and started it, backing out of the meadow and back down the road. "Watch the bumps." Matt looked at his friend.

"I should hit every single pot hole I can find." Cutler cringed.

"Jess talk to me."

"I'm fine." If it didn't hurt so damn much he would have turned around to check on her. Matt did turn. She was pale looked like she was ready to pass out. He hit the gas a littler harder before he lost both of them to unconsciousness.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt walked into the exam room. Cutler was sitting on the table as the nurse stitched up the cut on his forehead. He moved when he heard Matt's boots on the tile floor.

"Damn it Cutler sit still already."

"Sorry Kat." He looked at Matt. "Where's Jess?"

"I had the doc look at her. When I came looking for you she was looking like death warmed over."

"She looked the same when we got into the car." Cutler looked at his friend. "I could tell by the look in her eye she was hurting."

"Maybe the same thing she had back in DC?"

"No. She's been fine since she got back." Kat finished the stitches.

"They'll be in for you from X-ray in about fifteen minutes."

"Thanks." The nurse left.

"How are you feeling?"

"I've had better days. I guess I'm getting written up." Matt looked at him.

"It's not your fault a herd of deer ran out in front of you."

"We have to get this elephant out of the room sometime."

"Your sleeping with my sister, I get that." He glared at his friend. "I don't have to like it."

"I care about Jess. Hell I might even love her but whatever it is Matt it doesn't have to interfere with what you have with your sister and our friendship. Neither one of us want that."

"I don't want it either but it's there with us all the time. She hates me for making her leave and you hate me for making her go. Hell the whole family does for that matter."

"No one hates you Matt. Jess just has some issues of abandonment and you fed into them. Someday hopefully she'll share them with you but until then just cut her some slack. I have big shoulders and I can carry whatever you need me to but don't make Jess pay for what I can't control." Matt looked at his friend. The orderly came in to bring Cutler down to X-ray.

"We'll be waiting for you when you're done." Matt left the room and went to go find his sister.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess sat on the hard cold plastic chairs that should have been replaced a decade ago. The pain in her head was slowly going away with the help of the medication the doctor had given her. She was still shaking inside.

"Are you feeling better?" She looked up to see Matt. Nodding she whispered.

"How's Jimmy?"

"Bump on the head and a cracked rib. He'll make it." He sat down next to her. "How about you?"

"I had the doctor give me something for my headache. He said I have a sinus infection." He looked at her. "All I could think about is dad coming home telling me Lee and Hale were gone." Matt closed his eyes. He hadn't thought of what Cutler being missing might do to her thought process.

"Cutler is safe and sound. Please just relax." He shifted in his seat.

"You can go. I know it's hard for you to breathe the same air as me." Matt looked at his sister.

"What the hell is your problem Jess? The more I try to make things right between the more you try and piss me off."

"You don't even know the damaged you caused." She stood up. "You sit on this mountain and play hero thinking that you know all there is to know about life and what goes on fifty miles on any side of these mountains but you really don't know. You don't know the hell that's in the real world you wanted so vehemently to get a taste of." She glared at him. "But you don't even know yourself. What you see and here isn't the half of it. Maybe you, big brother, should go experience some of the real world and get back to me." She grabbed her jacket and headed down the hall. She didn't care about any of them anymore. Once she made the Rangers she would quit and never look back.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 25, 2000*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cody looked out at the desert sunset and took the last of the pictures on his role of film and bagged it in the envelope he was sending to Jess. Things had been pretty bad at home lately and he wished he could have pushed his discharge up a few weeks but there would have been ton of paperwork. Leaning against the sandbags in front of the mess tent he thought about how he was going to fix things with Matt and Jess when he got home.

"For a man on his way out brother, you got a sad look on your face." Cody looked up to see his friend Jared Reynolds.

"This isn't the only place a war is going on." He looked at the sunset. "I have to find a way for those two to realize it's not each other they are mad at." Jared chuckled.

"I still can't picture you as the peace maker." Cody smiled.

"When it comes to my sister and brother there is no peace. Not for a very long time. I wish she could remember when she was little and he was there when ever she needed him. She can't see past the betrayal."

"Sometimes we only see what we want to see my friend." Cody knew Jared was right. "I got you some phone time. Call her." Jared handed him a card. "Tell her you're coming home for New Years." Cody looked up and shook his head,

"Jared you're scheduled on that ride out of here." He smiled.

"Not any more. Pack your bags Hawkes. You're going home." Cody embraced his friend.

"I owe you."

"You saved my ass more then once out here. Call it even." Jared walked away and Cody headed for the com tent to call home.

*-**-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat on her bed in her room. Dinner would be soon and she wasn't cherishing spending any time with her brother let alone Cutler. She had left the hospital and went to his place and everything that belonged to her out of his apartment. They were getting too close and Jess was scared. Her mother had been more then happy to have her back under her roof. Her cell phone rang and she grabbed it off the bedside table.

"Hawkes."

"Can you keep a secret?" Jess smiled.

"Better then you Cody. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

"Did you buy me a pony for Christmas?"

"Whatever. You still planning on working Jake's New Year's Party?"

"Hell yeah. That night alone pays for my Christmas credit card splurges."

"Maybe I'll see you there." Her breath caught.

"You're coming home?"

"Yeah Jess. I'm coming home." She tried not to cry. Her soul had been so empty since he had been gone. Like he had taken it with him. "I need to fix things between you and Matt."

"Not your things to fix Cody. It's done. There's no going back."

"Don't say that Jess. Please." She didn't want to hurt him anymore so she gave in.

"No promises." Cody took a deep breath.

"I'll give you that much. How's your training going?"

"Slow. I had a sinus infection that kicked my ass so I took a few days off. Cutler put his truck into a gully at the camp grounds and he got banged up pretty bad so he's out of commission for a few weeks."

"Well you keep it up. You only have three weeks."

"I know. You'll be home to help me out before then. Give me some pointers."

"Jess you know the book stuff inside and out. You can shoot a moving target from a thousand yards. You can do this with your eyes closed. Pretend it isn't Matt and Robin testing you. Just think of Kitrick and the things he did to push you."

"Why does everyone want me pissed?"

"Because we all know you do your best work when you're pissed." Jess smiled.

"That I do."

"I'll be home in a week. We'll figure it out then."

"I love you Cody." It had been a long time since Jess had said that to him. He knew she was afraid to love anyone the way she loved him. If hadn't come back alive she might never had made it though another day.

"I love you to Jess. Don't tell the family I'm coming home."

"Just come home."

"I'm already there." He whispered and hung up the phone. Jess closed and threw her cell phone on her bed and headed downstairs. Maybe now she was strong enough to face her demons that lurked down there.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cutler downed the drink he had in his hand as she descended down the stairs. He locked his glaze with hers and almost lost it. She had pulled away from him since his accident. Far away. He turned and went into the kitchen. He should leave. Just go and drowned his sins in vodka shooters.

"Just give her time." He looked up to see Matt.

"What?"

"I didn't put two and two together till she was at the hospital. All she saw was her parent's crash when I told her you hadn't made it to work." Cutler watched her hug Benji and smile. "She's scared to care anymore. After JT getting shot."

"Are you saying she might have cared about me before but now she won't?"

"Maybe she cares too much." Matt grabbed a beer out of the fridge. "Don't give up on her." He looked at Cutler. "Your then only one lately that has gotten her to feel anything other then anger. Do what you have to do to get her to feel something again."

"Are you giving me your blessing?" Matt took a long swig of his beer.

"I need her to be the Ranger I know she can be and without compassion she's no good to me." Matt turned and headed to talk to Izzy and Claire. Cutler looked at his friends retreating form. Matt needed some compassion for his sister. He watched Jess greet her friends and family with a smile he hadn't seen in a very long time. He set his glass on the counter and grabbed his coat. Heading out the door he felt a hand on his shoulder as he stepped on to the porch.

"You can't leave." He turned to see Jess's brown eyes brighter then he'd ever seen them,

"It's getting a little warm in there."

"My brother turning up the flame?" He smiled.

"Sunshine you and I don't need any help heating things up." She leaned against the railing.

"I needed some time to think." He looked at her.

"I got that." She reached over and touched the cut on his head. "I know what you were feeling that day scared you. It all came rushing back. But you can't go living your life fearing what you can't see Jess. It'll eat you up inside." He took a step closer. "Trust your heart. It will never steer you wrong." Jess smiled. She knew what her heart told her about Jim. He cared too much for his best friends little sister. And her brother cared about her.

"I can't seem to stay away from you." He leaned over and kissed her.

"Why try." Cutler deepened the kiss.

"Let's go back inside."

"Let's go to the barn." Jess smiled.

"My parents are waiting." He broke away.

"You sure know how to make a man stop in his tracks."

"We have to open presents."

"You're the only present I want to open." She took his hand.

"Behave yourself or you may have to return this present again." She pulled him inside.

December 31, 2000

Jake watched Jess deliver drinks around the bar. He shook his head. The woman had more degrees then a thermometer and her she was waiting tables on New Years for him. She came up the bar with the biggest smile on her face.

"Three bottles of Bud."

"You look like your walking on a cloud Hawkes. Something you're not telling me?" She smiled bigger if that was possible.

"Not a thing Jake." He put the beer on her tray and she headed back to the tables. Just as she was setting them down the back door opened. Jess looked up. Her breath caught when the first two uniformed men entered. Swallowing hard she almost passed out but a third man entered and caught her eye. Deep blue eyes scanned the room. Jess set the tray down on the bar as she passed it and ran to the back door. Cody caught her as she flew into his arms.

"You miss me a little bit baby sister?" She clung to him tight.

"More then you'll ever know Cody James, more then you'll ever know."


	16. Chapter 16

Beginnings

Chapter Sixteen

January 14, 2001

Jess laced up her boots and looked out at the morning sky. One day was all she had left and she knew that the end was not going to make up for all that she had lost these last few years. She had lost her brother's love and respect. Her parents trust and whatever it was her and Cutler had she had given up because of her damn pride.

"Jess?" Cutler's voice broke into her thoughts. She hadn't seen him since the Christmas.

"How's the head?" She looked up. He looked like hell.

"It hurts now and then. Less then the ribs." She nodded and finished tying her laces. She stood up and closed her locker.

"Glad your feeling better." Jess took a deep breath. "I gotta go; Stella has been lonely since Cooper died. I think they really cared about each other." Walking past Cutler he grabbed her arm.

"One day when you want to stop running Jess, you know where to find me." He let go of her arm. She didn't look at him. She couldn't. It hurt too much.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Cody hit the bag with the all the power he had behind it. Matt watched his little brother as he beat the punching bag within an inch of its life. Something was going on with him and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He'd pulled double shifts since coming home two weeks ago. Matt told him to take some time but his brother dove in with both feet.

"Should I be afraid your pretending that bag is me?" Cody looked up.

"Feeling guilty about something big brother?"

"Not anything recent that I can think of." Cody punched the bag harder.

"Then why should I care?"

"I got enough attitude from Jess; I don't need it from you too."

"Maybe if you treated her like you treated everyone else around here she wouldn't have such an attitude." Cody slammed his fist into the bag. He looked at his older brother through hooded eyes. "Maybe you'd sleep better at night." Cody took one last punch before he turned and walked away.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt stood on his father's porch and looked out at the night sky. Things weren't suppose to be this way. He only wanted the best for his brother and sister. He had butted heads more then once with their father about it. The back door opened and Jesse came out with two bottles of beer and stood next to his first born son.

"You look like hell." Jesse handed him a beer. Matt nodded thanks as he took it.

"It feels worse then it looks." Jesse leaned against the railing.

"She'll be your best friend one day. Just wait and see." Matt looked at his dad.

"She won't even breathe the same air as me. Dad I can't have any one on my team that harbors that much bad feelings about anyone especially me."

"You think she'd do less of a job because you pissed her off. You of all people know that pent up emotion can work either way but never has it interfered with her doing her job."

"What about the respect." Jesse looked at his son and took a deep breath.

"She has more respect for you then you realize. The only one who knows how bad it is between you is you and her. Just give her the chance you'd give anyone, that's all she's asking." Matt turned and looked into the window. Jess was sitting with their mother at the kitchen table.

"What if I screw this up? We could loose her for good."

"Matt your sister is stronger then we give her credit for. She's been through more then she'll ever tell us but I know all she wants is to make you proud of her."

"I've always been proud of her dad. I wish she knew that."

"She will." Jesse turned and headed into the house. Matt looked at his family sitting in the warmth of the kitchen and hopped that his dad was right.

January 15, 2001

Jess knew she was ready for whatever the Matt had in store for her. The snow was her friend. She would rather have winter elimination then any other time of year. She sat on her snowmobile and watched Matt, Robin, Cutler, Hart and Izzy. They would give her Robin. Robin knew her weaknesses and her strengths. She also knew how to push her harder then Matt ever would. Living on the property she was the first one there. Cutler had told her Matt had narrowed down the field to five. Cutler looked up from his clip board. Yesterday was the first time in over a month she had talked to him. Today all she wanted was to throw herself in his arms.

"You here for tryouts?" Jess looked up to see a blond man in his mid twenties.

"Yeah. Jess."

"Jayden…Trainer." Jess smiled. He was nervous.

"Hi."

"I heard this was tougher then basic training."

"It's been know to break a few people." Jess smiled at the other new arrivals but didn't say much. Matt took a step forward.

"Three weeks. Three of the longest hardest weeks you will ever endure starts today. I'm Matt Hawkes. This is Officer Cutler, Hart, Flowers and Kelly. They will push you harder then anyone has ever pushed you before. You will run harder, ski faster and climb higher then you ever have before. By the end of the first week at least one of you will quit." Matt looked at the five people in front of him. "By the second week two. I won't have to choose who stays and who goes by week three." He stopped in front of Jess. "You'll do it for me." Taking a step back he surveyed them again. "This morning each of you will load you packs with the gear you think you're going to need for an overnight rescue in the mountains. We'll meet back here in ten minutes." He took out a stop watch and started it. Four people scrambled up the embankment. Jess stood and turned heading up the hill at her own pace. To anyone one else she would seem cocky to her bother she was just being Jess.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Ten minutes later five rookies stood in front of five snowmobiles. Five veterans went though packs. Cody watched from the top of the hill. The Rangers were throwing unnecessary equipment out of bags. Robin stood in front of Jess. Nothing on the ground. Cody smiled. Jess had this. There was no doubt Robin would not make it easy.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess stopped the snowmobile behind Cutler. He was talking to Trainer. Robin pulled next to her.

"Holding up okay?" Jess pulled up her goggles and looked at her.

"I'm fine." Jess knew this area like the back of her hand. She also knew that in about an hour they were going to get hit with a cold front. "Cody tell you about the storm?"

"Yeah." Robin put on her goggles and started her sled and took off. Jess smiled and started hers. There was no way in hell Robin would loose her. Robin would be the one getting lost.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess had her tent up and a fire going before the others even made it to the camp coordinates. Robin smiled.

"Show off."

"I thought Cutler said you were going to be twice as hard on me as the others." She shook her head.

"That was twice as hard. We ran an extra forty miles more then the others." Jess smiled as she handed Robin a cup of coffee. "Where did you have this hidden?" Jess slipped off her snow pants to reveal a pair of Cody's Marine Corps issued cargo pants. "You are a Hawkes." The sound of approaching sleds had Jess a little worried.

"I'm going to try to keep that between us for as long as I can." Matt pulled up with a young man in his early twenties. Josh something. They looked at the two women warm and toasty in front of the fire.

"Jenkins have you ever been beaten by a girl?" Matt looked at the younger man.

"No sir." Matt laughed,

"Get used to it." Matt got off his snowmobile and looked at the man he was training with. "You have fifteen minutes to make camp." He sat on the log next to Robin. He looked at his sister. Her color was better then he'd seen in weeks. Maybe this was good for her. The sounds of more teams coming in stopped Matt from saying something to her. It had been a long first day and they were all ready for a break.

January 16, 2001

Robin tied off the last of the ropes. Jess had made it up the rock in record time. They would be home before dinner if things kept going the way they were. There were three ways up the mountain and Robin knew Jess had climbed two. The third was nearly impossible but Jess made it look like a walk in the park.

"Is there anything I can teach you?" Jess looked up from rewrapping her ropes.

"You can teach me how to get along with my pig headed brother." Robin laughed.

"You know the answer to that one too. Just talk to him Jess. Tell him what you have to so you can make it right." Jess knew that Robin was right.

"Maybe when this is all over." Robin nodded.

"Make things right with Cutler too. That boy is pining away for you." Jess finished packing her ropes and looked at Robin.

"Someday we'll get it together enough to make it work. Maybe. We're too much a like to make it really work." Putting her pack on her back she started back to her sled. "But man do I miss the sex." Robin laughed as they headed to the next set of coordinates.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Robin put in a pan of lasagna and Jess made garlic bread. They had been back, showered and started dinner and they were still the only ones back at the station. Cody and Flynn sat at the table.

"You gave her an extra hundred and twenty miles and two extra climbs and she still beat everyone else's time?"

"Including Matt's." Robin added. "We didn't do this phase of training till I'd been her three years." Cutler and Trainer came in the back door.

"God it smells good in here." He looked up to see Jess standing at the sink.

"It did till you walked in." Robin looked at the new arrivals. "Did you hit a skunk on the way?" Cutler rolled his eyes.

"You could say that. That rumor that skunks hibernate is a little understated in the nature books. Seems they still spray while deep in their winter slumber." Jess laughed. Cutler glared at her in that sexy, you're going to get it way that drove her wild.

"Dinner is in an hour. Please clean up." Jess smiled and went back to buttering bread. Cutler watched her for a minute.

"Come on kid. I hate to be late for anything those two are cooking." Trainer followed him upstairs. It was going to be a very interesting three weeks.

January 20, 2001

5:10 am

Jess watched the sun rise. Cody sat next to her.

"How's things with Matt?"

"We don't talk much but I think he might actually be impressed."

"Everyone is. You have them beat by at least a thousand points." Cody looked at his sister. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. I never got tired before. I mean I would go until I had a chance to sleep and then I would but now I get tired."

"Just wait till the adrenalin kicks in." He stood. "Mom wants you home for dinner tomorrow night. Something to do with a plan." Jess looked at her brother.

"That can't be good."

"You said it." Cody left. Jess sat for a little bit alone. The quiet soothed her. She knew someone else was watching her. She smiled. Cutler had been keeping close tabs on her lately.

"I won't bite Jimmy."

"How did you know it was me?" He stood behind her.

"I always know when you're near me." Sitting next to her he looked out at the lake.

"Robin says you're kicking ass." She smiled.

"Did you have any doubts?" Cutler shook his head.

"You always did love to put on a show." She looked at him.

"I do love a good drama. I'm sorry I freaked after your accident. You've been hurt before and it never hit me like that. All that flashed in my head was Lee and Hale at the bottom of that ravine. I panicked."

"I know. Matt told me. He was worried all our hard work was shot to hell when you left the hospital that day. I think he even felt a little sorry for me." Cutler smiled and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "I don't know what the hell we're doing here Jess I just know it feels right when we're together. I know it pisses off your brothers and hell your dad can't look me in the eye most of the time but I can't stop thinking about you." Jess looked out at the frozen water.

"I can't make any promises. You know I had a pretty messed up childhood just like you. I know the Hawkes love me but there were a lot of years when I didn't feel very loved by anyone."

"You think I don't know that Jess." He whispered as he turned and looked at her. "I sat up nights with you while you poured over those diaries and found out what those people did to you honey. I know that you're scared but so am I." Jess could see so much in his blue eyes. She wanted to reach out and touch him but she knew someone may come by at any moment.

"Two weeks. Two weeks and we'll talk about it again. Till then let's just forget my little break down last month." He smiled.

"You got it." He stood up. Jess did the same and followed him into the station to get breakfast.

7:15 am

Matt looked at the four people in front of him. He shook his head. He knew already who was going to cut it and who wasn't.

"And now there are four." He walked back and fourth in front of them. "Today will make or break some of your scores. I don't expect you all to be sharpshooters but I do expect some sort accuracy and skill." He looked at Jess. "Three targets, various heights and distances. You choose your target. The one you feel most comfortable with. You have ninety seconds to pick your target, aim and fire. Points will be given accordingly." Matt turned and headed back up the slope. He stood at the ridge with Robin, Cutler, and Izzy. "Trainer." Matt looked at the younger man. "Your up."

"Here goes nothing." Jess smiled. She knew Trainer was good with a gun but he was more the CSI geek. Jenkins had been the sharp shooter of the group. He had packed his bag yesterday after a ski run that would have taken down the best skier. Trainer took his gun and Matt started the timer. Eighty seven seconds later he took the fifty yard shot. It was perfectly centered from what Jess could see.

"Good job." Trainer stood.

"Thanks." Matt wrote something on his clip board. He nodded at Jess. She stood. Standing on the mark. He looked at her and didn't even flinch when he hit the button on the stop watch. She hit the ground and rifle aimed. Taking the first shot within fifteen seconds, the three other trainees flinched when she let two more shots go before she stood. Matt stooped the timer. He showed it to Robin. Thirty seven seconds had passed. Matt raised his binoculars. As did Robin and Izzy. Cutler didn't have to. He knew she made the shot. All three shots. One at fifty yards, one at a hundred yards and one at a thousand. Jess went and stood next to Trainer.

"Show off." Jess smiled. She knew she had shown off but it felt good to show Matt something he didn't know she had.

January 21, 2001

Jess sat on her parent couch with her feet stretched out on Cody's lap. She passed out fifteen minutes ago and he didn't have the heart to wake her. Their parents had told them to sit tight for an hour. That was asking a lot from both of them. Matt came in. Cody put his finger to his lips so he knew Jess was sleeping.

"She had a long day." Matt whispered to his brother.

"I though so. How did it go?"

"She's amazing."

"Like you didn't already know that."

"Trainer is still keeping up but no one else is going to catch either of them." Cody moved Jess's feet and she rolled on her side and curled up. The two brothers headed for the kitchen. Cody went to the fridge and grabbed a couple of beers and handed one to his brother.

"She passed out the minute her head hit the pillow."

"Robin had her doing wind sprints this afternoon. I wish I could let those other two go today and let Trainer and Jess gets some rest before starting on the first."

"You know that would look really bad."

"Yeah I know. I just know Trainers the one I've wanted since the beginning."

"What about Jess?" Matt looked at his brother.

"I've wanted her on my team since she was old enough to ski down those mountains. You know that."

"I know that but does she?"

"When the time comes, she'll know why I did what I did. She'll also know that if I had any idea Kitrick was going to treat her the way he did I would have walked to DC to pull her out of there myself." Matt looked at Jess sleeping, curled up on their parents couch. The guilt he felt was eating away at him. He wished he had it in him to tell her he was sorry for everything but he just couldn't. Not now. The back door opened and Jesse and Jackie walked in laughing. "Where have you two been?"

"Where's your sister. We have some news."

"I'll go wake her up." Matt went and sat on the couch next to his sister. "Jess. Jess." She opened her eyes.

"Matt?"

"Yeah. Mom and dad just got home. They have news to tell us."

"It better be a puppy." She smiled. "I miss having a puppy." Matt shook his head. He wasn't sure if she was still sleeping or just pulling his leg.

"Your not home enough for a puppy. Now get up." Matt held out his hand to help her up, knowing she must be stiff. She grabbed it and he pulled her up off the couch. Cutler and Cody were right. She had lost weight. "Rough day at the office?" She looked at him.

"You should know. You ordered the hit." She pulled her hand from his and headed for the kitchen. Matt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She had every right to hate him but unlike the rest of the family Jess held a grudge now and then. Cody said she didn't blame him for what ever had happened in DC but Matt knew she did. He turned and followed Jess into the kitchen.

"Good you're all here." Jackie was glowing.

"IF she says she's pregnant I'm so out of here." Jess laughed at Cody.

"You two stop."

"Sorry mom." They said in unison.

"I quit the casino last week." The three younger Hawkes looked surprised. Their mother had worked her way to pit boss a few years back and she had loved the job. They all thought she would be there till she retired.

"So you're going to…cook for the Rangers full time? I know they would like that but I don't think I have room in my budget." Matt smiled.

"Well then I guess your going to have to start to pay for eating my cooking smarty pants because I just bought the diner on Main Street." The look on her face told her children she was more then excited about her new venture. They all congratulated her. Jess looked at their father. He smiled. Jess knew he wasn't sure if this was going to pan out but if it made Jackie happy it would make Jesse happy too.

January 29, 2001

5:00am

Jess sat at the table with a cup of coffee between her hands. She woke up early as usually. Something was nagging at her and wouldn't let her sleep.

"Jess?" Cody came into the dark kitchen.

"Yeah." She looked up. "What's wrong?"

"The helicopter went down near Hartless Mountain." Jess stood nearly knocking the chair over.

"Matt?" Jess saw the fear in Cody's eyes.

"The beacon's strong." She reached for her jacket. "Jess you can't go."

"The hell I can't." Cody stopped her.

"Jess your not part of the team." Glaring at her brother she took her coat off the hook.

"I'm may not be a Ranger but I'm a sister who needs to find her brother." She went out the back door, slamming it hard.

"Jess!!"

8:10 am

Jess knew the mountains and ridges around Hartless like she knew her own skin. The maps in front of her told her exactly what she needed but the men around her wouldn't let her go.

"Jess there's a storm front coming in from the west. If we go out now we won't make it back before nightfall. The temps dropping fast." She looked at Cody.

"It's Matt and Frank out there Cody. I'm not leaving them out there tonight." She looked at Cutler. "You're going after them, right?" Cutler knew that he was screwed either way. If he said no Jess would hate him…if he said yes he put the team in danger. "I can fly you to the beacon. You can repel in and I can land…here." She tapped a clearing a mile from the beacon sight. "This is your call Jimmy." Cutler looked at Cody. He shook his head. He looked at Hart, he shrugged.

"I can't risk another team Jess." Jess threw the pen in her hand down.

"Then I go by myself." She stormed out of the conference room and headed to the equipment shed. Matt would not spend a night out in the cold. She felt a hand on her shoulder and instinct had her hand on her gun.

"Jess, whoa…baby it's me?" Jess looked at Cutler.

"Let go of me. I'm going to find them and bring them off that mountain or make it warm enough for them to make it till you and the rest of this team feel they can get off their ass and send help." Grabbing her pack she opened the garage door and started her snowmobile. "Thanks for nothing Jimmy." She took off and didn't look back.

9:15 am

"I can't believe you let her go." Cody looked at Cutler.

"What was I suppose to do Cody? Step in front of her and let her run me down. You know as well as I do she would of." Cutler looked to the south. "She would have gone either way. You give me the go and were in the chopper looking for them."

"She'll find them and keep them safe till morning. My father is going to kill me for letting her go alone but at least I knew they'll be safe."

12:45 pm

Jess saw the wreckage when she was more then a mile from the coordinates Benji had given her. The body of the helicopter lay flush against a rock. Jess took a deep breath and headed in that direction.

"Matt!! Frank!!" Jess got of her sled near the crash.

"Jess over here." Franks voice echoed against the rocks. She grabbed her pack off the sled and headed toward the sound of his voice.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I hit my head pretty hard."

"Where's Matt?"

"I…I don't know. Jess…I'm okay…find him." Jess looked around. The snow had melted around the crash and she couldn't see him near Frank.

"Matt!" She went to the rock just above where the cabin of the helicopter. "Oh God Matt!" He was pinned against the rock by the tail. She ran up to him. "Matt! Matt, come on buddy talk to me."

"Jess?"

"Who else would be crazy enough to come up this mountain in the dead of winter?"

"You're not covered under our insurance yet." Jess smiled.

"Always thinking of the bottom line big brother." She checked his pulse. "What day is it?"

"The day I kick you out of training for coming up here." She looked at him.

"Well if it means loosing my ride or loosing my brother I made the right choice." Matt knew there was a storm coming. Cody had told him yesterday. He also knew that Cutler wouldn't let the team come up till the weather was clear. Jess disobeyed protocol.

"It's getting colder." He whispered. Jess pulled the insolated blanket out of her pack.

"I'll get a fire going and we'll be toasty warm in no time."

"You need to go home Jess." She looked at him. His eyes closed in pain.

"Yeah, I'll get right on that." She checked his head and his pupils. "You're a mess big brother. I don't think you're in any condition to order the only healthy person on this mountain to leave,"

"Frank?"

"He hit his head but I think he's okay. For some odd reason he wanted me to look for your ungrateful ass before I took care of him. Can you move your legs?"

"The rotor is pretty close to taking of part of my thigh." Jess surveyed the situation. She straddled above him.

"Duck." He leaned forward and she kicked the rotor away from his leg. Sliding between him and the rock she lifted the tail and shoved it over, unpinning his legs. "What day is it Matt?"

"January twenty ninth."

"Good. Now what hurts?"

"Easier to answer 'What doesn't hurt?'"

"Okay." She asset him fully. "Nothings broken."

"Feels like everything's broken."

"You questioning my EMT skills now?" Matt looked at his sister. She might be having second thoughts about risking everything to come find him.

"I never question your skills Jess. Just trying to keep it together."

"You're doing a lousy job. Let's get you out of this crack and find Frank. It's getting colder by the second." She helped him up and pulled him out from behind the wreckage. They found Frank next to a tree a few yards away. Jess set Matt next to him and gave him a blanket. "You two sit tight and I'll radio the station and tell them your okay. Then I'll get some shelter set up. It's going to be at least dawn tomorrow before a helicopter can get up." Jess went to her sled and took out her radio and called in her position.

"You're really going to send her packing?" Frank looked at Matt.

"She broke the rules Frank."

"We would have froze Matt."

"She broke protocol." Frank couldn't believe that Matt could be that heartless.

"You wash her out and you loose my friend." Matt looked at his pilot.

"All she had to do was wait it out."

"All she had to do was save her brother from a cold depressing death." Jess came back to them.

"There's a pine grove about a hundred yards down the slope over there. I'm going to hall some branches up after I start a fire." She looked at her brother. "I'll be back." She walked away. Matt closed his eyes and leaned his head against the tree. Guilt racked his gut and pain radiated though his head. It was going to be a long night.

8:15 pm

Jess put some more wood on the fire. She had built a lean two that accommodated all three of them and a warm fire. Frank slept peacefully as she checked on Matt.

"I'm sorry." She looked at him.

"For what?" He was quiet. "You do what you have to do." Wrapping his wrist tighter she took a deep breath. "They would have found you sooner or later. In Frank's condition he would have never been able to move that tail off of you. He might have been able to start walking out but hell he would never leave you." Matt winced when she strapped the ace bandage securely. "I'd do it again in a heart beat. I know there's a room full of people who are going to feel guilty about not doing a damn thing but I'll be able to sleep at night knowing I did everything in my power to keep you two alive. I'll be unemployed but guiltless none the less."

"Thank you." Jess looked at him.

"Anything for my big brother." She stood and went back to her corner and tried to get some sleep.

January 30, 2001

Jess packed her bag with a heavy heart. There were only three of them left and now there were two. She had delivered Matt and Frank to the hospital at day break. She left without a word. Cody and Cutler tried to stop her but she shrugged them off and got into her truck and headed back to the station to pack up her life.

"Going somewhere?" Jess looked up to see her dad.

"I stepped over the line daddy. You're the one who made the rules."

"That I did." He walked over to her. "Your brother seems to think that rules are important. That no matter what the circumstances they should be followed."

"That's our Matthew." She smiled and threw her boots into her duffle bag.

"The board is downstairs. I called an emergency meeting." Jess shook her head.

"Matt hates me now can you imagine what would happen if the board interferes with his decision."

"It was Matt's idea. Now get downstairs." Jesse headed down the steps. Jess grabbed her bag and headed down behind him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Ten people sat around the conference table. Six rangers stood behind them. Jess walked in. The sheriff stood.

"Have a seat Jess." She put down her bag and did as she was told.

"Thank you Jed." He sat and pulled his chair in.

"Your brother wants us to review your actions of January twenty ninth. Were you given a direct order not to go to Hartless Mountain and looked for the downed chopper?" She looked at Cutler.

"No sir." Taking a breath she relaxed.

"Ranger Cutler was clearly in charge and he gave no order for you NOT to go looking for the downed chopper?"

"Ranger Cutler advised me that he could not risk another team with the unpredictable weather approaching. I told him clearly that I would go myself."

"Did he give you a direct order not to take this matter into your own hands?" She looked at Cutler. He wasn't smiling but his eyes were dancing like there was no tomorrow.

"No sir. Ranger Cutler gave no such order." The board passed a paper and they each signed it.

"If no order to comply was given to probationary ranger Hawkes, no rules were broken when you left the premises to pursue the wreckage of HMR Rescue One. You used your own snowmobile and equipment from your own pack so no violations occurred. You are free to continue your training with the High Mountain Rangers. Good luck Jess." The sheriff and the others stood. Jess did too.

"Thank you Jed." They proceeded to leave. Cody came around the table and hugged his sister.

"Talk about getting off on a technicality." Jess shook her head. She knew what Cutler did. By not ordering her not to go after Matt he'd left a big hole in the rule book. She had to love him for that.


	17. Chapter 17

Beginnings

Chapter Seventeen

May 25, 2003

Jess, Cody and Benji lay on the roof of Jesse's cabin. The stars were shining bright and the air still had a spring chill to it. Cody watched his sister trying to remember the constellations the way he had taught them to her so many years ago. They had had a really hard couple of months and this was Matt's reward for them working their asses off. Three uninterrupted days of peace and quiet.

"Give it up Jess. You could never remember all of them." Cody looked at his sister. "I got a phone call yesterday."

"That new waitress down at the Rockingham?" Jess smiled.

"What are you like twelve?" Cody smiled. "From the Pentagon." Jess knew what was coming.

"Why you?"

"My whole team is being brought in for a special op." Jess swallowed hard. She had been waiting for this call since September eleventh. She knew Cody had skills that were important to the Marines. Not just his weather predicting skills.

"When are you leaving?"

"The first of June."

"Promise me you'll be back for my birthday?" She looked at him.

"You know I can't do that Jess. I don't know how long they need me."

"They can't keep you. I won't let them."

"Twelve again Jess." Benji said from behind her.

"So. If it was your ass they were sending back into that hell hole I'd be acting the same way." Jess sat up. She had to stop acting like a kid when it came to Cody and Matt but some days she just wished she were that twelve year old again. Nothing could hurt them back then. "I'm going to bed." She stood up and Cody grabbed her arm.

"Jess I'm going to come home." Jess looked down at him.

"We don't know that now do we." She shook of his hand and headed inside.

"That went stellar." Benji looked at his friend. "She'll be a mess till you get back." Cody looked at the stars.

"Cutler will keep her on track." Benji laughed.

"The only thing Cutler's done lately is piss her off. Some days I only think she sleeps with him to piss your brother off." Cody looked at his friend.

"I think your right."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-June 1, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess hugged her brother one last time and stepped back into the protective arms of her other brother. For as much as Matt pissed her off, he'd always been there for her when she needed him.

"Don't do anything stupid." Was the last thing she said to him as he got onto the transport. Tears fell from her cheeks and Matt held her close against his chest as the plane taxied down the runway. "He's going to do something stupid Matt."

"I know. But it'll be okay Jess. He knows how to fix stupid." Jess chuckled.

"Yeah, he's been fixing my stupid for a whole lot of years."

"Let's go have a beer and get stupid." Jess nodded and let Matt shift his arm around her shoulders as they walked back toward the truck. She took one last look at the olive green plane taking off and said one last prayer for the one person in the world she could count on.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*July 22, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*

8:45 am

Jess dove into the blue green water of Lake Tahoe with the full intention of bringing up the wreckage of a fishing boat. Cutler and Izzy followed her down but there was no sign of the boat or its crew where the marina said they went down. Jess swam to the surface and pulled her mask off. Matt was waiting on the boat.

"There is nothing down there. Are you sure the Dock Master got the coordinates right?"

"He said that was the last transmission." Jess looked around at the nearly empty lake. It was early and fishermen were about the only other people there.

"Okay…I'm going back down a few degrees north. They may have drifted." Cody was the man who knew the drift patterns of the lake and how the weather might have affected the drift. She swam deeper and farther north. There laid a twenty foot fishing boat with all the bells and whistles. Jess went in and looked for the crew of three that had disappeared with it. She felt Cutler at her right as she eased down into the boat. In the galley lay three men. Jess signaled Cutler and they all swam to the surface.

"They look like they've been there awhile. Not just a few hours." Cutler said when they broke the surface.

"Time to get wet Trainer." Jess looked at the blond man on the deck of the boat.

"I would have been down there already if you hadn't cheated Jess." He put on his mask.

"How do you cheat at rock, paper, scissors?" She smiled at him. "Go get 'em big guy." She pulled herself up on the deck. She watched Trainer dive in.

"You cheated the diver out of a dive Jess?" Jess looked at Matt.

"I didn't cheat. He lost fair and square." Taking off her mask and air tank she went and got a bottle of water out of the cooler. "Dad called me last night." Matt watched the water.

"He's not a worrier Jess."

"He's worried. We haven't heard from him in two weeks Matt." Matt turned and looked at his sister.

"We'll both go over there after we're done here. A family dinner might calm all of us down." Jess stripped off her wet suit.

"I agree." Matt raised his eyebrows.

"I should write this down. We agree on something." Jess laughed.

"Don't tell anyone they might think we like each other." Matt smiled.

"We can't have that now can we?"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*12:15 pm*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess closed her eyes as Matt pulled away from the lake. All she wanted was to go back to the station and take a long hot shower.

"You must be ready for your long weekend."

"More and more with each passing minute." Opening her eyes she watched the trees pass by. "I think we all need some R and R after the crazy summer we've been having."

"Maybe when things slows down." He pulled onto the road heading to the station. There were three black vehicles parked in front of their parent's house.

"No." Jess whispered and she reached to cling to Matt's shoulder.

"Jess calm down. We don't know why they are here?"

"They're Marine Corps big wigs Matt…why do you think they're here?" Matt held her hand. Their father tuned and looked at them. The stark anger in his eyes gave Jess the strength to get out of the truck. Matt walked around he and Jess headed to their father. Cutler, Trainer and Izzy pulled up behind them. Cutler was out of the truck and at Jess's side before they got to their father.

"Dad, is every thing okay?" Matt looked at his father. Jesse looked at his daughter and son standing in front of him.

"Cody's helicopter was shot down in Afghanistan. They haven't been able to locate him."

"Just him?" Jess looked at the men standing around their father.

"He was on a night recon mission. That's all we can say." Jess was ready to blow. Cutler put his hand on her shoulder and she shook it off. She started toward the first uniformed clad man but Matt stepped in front of her and Cutler grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back.

"You need to find him now." The man turned to Jess.

"An extraction at this point is not an option." The older man took a step back when Jess lunged forward.

"Not and option Colonel? You leave a man stranded in a war torn county because he was doing you a favor and extraction is not an option?"

"Jess back off." Matt turned and looked at her.

"They left him behind Matt. That doesn't piss you off?"

"Damn straight it pisses me off but getting mad at the Marine brass isn't going to bring Cody home." Cutler pulled Jess back against his chest.

"Ease up baby. Matt's right. Going postal on the man isn't going to get us anywhere." Jess nodded. Matt knew he should be mad at Cutler for stepping in on family business but if it meant keeping Jess calm he didn't really care. Jesse went to his daughter.

"They are doing everything they can to find out what happened Jess. Till then you will behave yourself in the manner you were raised. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir." Jess pushed away from Cutler and headed into the house to make sure her mother was okay.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-8:45pm*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess curled up in the middle of the bed. Her parents had gone to Sacramento to see if there was anything they could do to help locate Cody. They were wasting their time. Jess knew that there was no one in the capital with enough balls to do a damn thing. She heard her door open but she figured it was Matt. He told her to start her week end leave early. Warm arms wrapped around her.

"You need to eat Jess." Closing her eyes she ran her hand down Cutlers arm.

"I'm not hungry." He kissed her neck.

"Jess honey you're not going to help Cody by getting sick."

"I have to go find him."

"Jess you can't go to the Middle East like its Denver. There are military bases all over, equipped to go get him out of there." Jess turned in his arms.

"Then why aren't they doing it?"

"I don't know." Jess pushed out of his arms and got up.

"I'm going to find some one who does." Jess left Cutler and went to start research on the biggest fight of her life.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*11:10pm**-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess slammed a folder on Matt's desk.

"I thought I told you to take the rest of the week off."

"I know where he is." Matt looked into the deep dark eyes of his sister.

"Who?" Shaking her head she shoved the folder in front of him.

"Cody."

"The Colonel said they would call us if they found out anything new."

"I found him. JT used his connections and his satellite up links to get an exact location on him."

"Then give it to Colonel Wiggins."

"Like he'll do anything about it Matt. He said the government is too volatile to send in an extraction team. They won't do anything even if they knew where to find him."

"So what are we going to do about it Jess."

"JT has got me orders to go to Kabul. From there I can get a chopper and head to the coordinates. I've researched the maps the best I could in the couple of hours I've had them but Matt I know I can do it. JT gave me names and people to contact when I get there." The anger flared hot and quick in Matt's eyes as he stood.

"You will not…I repeat will not set foot off this mountain. I've lost my brother to one stupid lame brain plan; I'm not loosing you too."

"I can do this Matt. I have the skill and I can get the job done."

"I don't know what the hell Kitrick taught you Jess but extracting POW's was not on the training list for Secret Service agents the last time I checked." Her eyes filled with anger glared at his blue ones that were just as angry.

"Try me." He looked at his sister. He knew from years of butting heads that he wasn't going to win this one no matter what cards he pulled.

"You're not going alone. I'm going with you." Her angry glare turned into a small smile.

"I knew I could make you see things my way."

"Don't get to cocky. I want you to go over every inch of this plan before I even consider letting you set foot on that plane." Cutler came to the door.

"Count me in." Jess looked up.

"I can't let you do that Jimmy." He stepped into the office.

"I'm not letting my best friends go into a war torn country without some sort of back up. It's not happening and if I have to go get Jesse and let him in on your little plan I will." Jess looked at Matt. Matt shrugged.

"Worst case we have to trade him for Cody." Matt smiled. Jess laughed. The mood lightened a little and Jess started relaying her plan.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*July 25, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Three Marines stood around the chopper that belonged to the Afghan army. They were young, barley out of basic training. Jess knew them. Knew their names and their ranks and everything about them down to the size of their underwear.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Cutler looked at Jess.

"Damn straight. Follow me and keep your mouths shut. Neither one of you can lie for shit." She walked to the first man, Private Rouke.

"Rouke?"

"Yes mam."

"I'm here to take the chopper up on that recon run." The young soldier looked at Jess, Matt and Cutler.

"You must be Mc Cullen's people. The boss said you were coming." He stepped away. "Do you need a systems interpreter?"

"No private. I brought my own." She pointed at Cutler. "We'll be back before sun set." Then they got into the chopper and the three men stepped away. "Thank you Jasper Thomas." Jess said as she whispered a prayer. They were in the air before the three solders reached the out building.

"Are you sure this is going to work Jess."

"You just make sure you know how to get this thing off the ground. I don't know how long it will take me to get him out of where he is or what kind of injuries he may have."

"Same as chopper at home right? No surprises?"

"The stick is pulling to the left but other then that it's just like our baby back home." She looked at her brother.

"How the hell did you get so smart?" Jess smiled.

"The hard way." Matt hadn't flown with Jess before. She was a master at it just like everything else she did. They flew effortlessly and without incident to the outer reaches of the Afghanistan border. "This is it boys." Jess landed the chopper on a flat patch of dirt. "If I'm not back in an hour go with out me. The base in programmed into the nav system. Just let it be your guide." She got out of the chopper and grabbed her medical bag. Matt grabbed her arm.

"You don't have to do this Jess." She looked into the warm eyes of her brother.

"He would do it for me." She blinked once and the warm brown eyes turned cold. He knew she was right. If the tables were turned Cody would do the same for either of them.

"Stay low and stay safe." She nodded. Looking at Cutler still in the chopper she gave him a nod and headed to rescue her brother. Matt looked at Cutler. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He looked down at the maps in front of him. "She really can just shut it all off if she has to can't she?"

"That she can but when she turns it back on is when we have to start worrying about her."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*10:28 am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess lined her scope up and surveyed the land. She counted at least six guards. She knew she could take down at least three before they knew what hit them. She didn't know how many more might be inside the two huts. Taking half a breath she took the first one down. Before she let it out fully three men were dead and she was working on the fourth. No one came running out of the huts to check why their comrades had fallen. Jess wondered if it was because no one was there or were they hiding.

"God I know I've done some things in my life that I'm less then proud of but please don't let this be the day my Hawkes luck runs out." She hopped to her feet and sprinted the hundred yards to the cover of a tree and resurveyed the area. No one had come out of the shelters. The two remaining guards were posted at both sides of the east door. They hadn't seen the men fall in the west and the north. Somebody was sure looking out for her. The two men in front of the door weren't going to be so easy. Two shots…that's all that stood between her and Cody's safety. "You can do this Jess." She whispered and took the first shot and barely moved the barrel to take the second. Both men hit the ground and Jess hit the ground running.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cody Hawkes never gave up easily but the last few days had would have been hard on anyone. The rebels had pretty much done his body in but his mind was still working just fine. He thought about how mad Jess was going to be when she found out what happened. She would be so hurt. He hoped Matt and Cutler could do right by her.

"Cody?" It was just a whisper. He smiled. Now his mind was gone too.

"Jess…I'm so sorry." Feeling a hand on his cheek he knew he must be loosing his mind.

"I know. We'll get you out of here and forget this ever happened." He laughed and it hurt.

"Just a dream. Just like you." He tried to open his eyes but he couldn't find the strength.

"I'm your worst nightmare Cody." He felt her warm hands on him. The pain radiating though his weak body. "Talk to me Cody."

"I thought you were mad at me for taking this assignment."

"Me? Mad? Never. We need to get you out of here. Can you sit up?" He shook his head.

"Leave me here."

"Not an option." His legs seemed to be fine. "I'm going to help you up and we need to move and move fast."

"Jess I can't." She pulled up on the collar of his uniform.

"You will get up and you will move. Company is on its way and I can't carry you and shoot at them so let's go." She dragged him up against her.

"Oh God that hurts." He breathing was labored.

"A mile is all we have to go Cody. Come on." She dragged him along and she did her best to keep to the cover of the trees. Cody was weak and it was going slow. She heard the sound of men yelling. "Cody we have to step it up we're going to have company in a minute or two."

"Leave me Jess." Jess pushed him against a tree.

"I will not leave you Cody, not here, not now, not ever." She took a breath and heaved his dead weight over her shoulder. He had a good fifty pounds on her but she knew he could never make it the rest of the way. It took longer then she liked but they got to the helicopter just as the rebels were catching up. "Matt get us out of here." Matt took off as bullets started to fly. Grabbing her head phones she laid Cody down.

"How is he?" Jess started examining him.

"I've seen worse. Get to the air field. JT has the plane ready to leave in ten minutes."

"Jess he can't leave. We need to take him to the base hospital."

"You and Cutler are getting on that transport and heading back to Tahoe." Jess got a saline bag and started an IV. "I'll get him stable and fly him to the base." Matt looked at her. "Land at the air strip Matt." She made quick work of the rest of the exam. Matt landed five minutes later. He turned and looked at Cody.

"I'm not leaving you here Jess."

"Yes you are. You get caught Matt, you loose the Rangers."

"What about you?"

"I have what I came for. As long as Cody is safe the rest doesn't matter. Now go." She looked at Cutler. Neither one moved. "Both of you get the hell out of here now. Cutler get him on that plane." He was torn. He knew Jess was right.

"Come on Matt. Let Jess do what she's trained to do." Matt looked at his sister and brother.

"I can't leave you." He whispered.

"You can and you will. I need to get him to the hospital. Go." Matt got out of the helicopter. Jess looked at Cutler. "Take good care of him Jimmy."

"I will. Jess…."

"I know…me too." Was all she said before she jumped into the front and prepared to take off.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-12:14pm*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess landed on the tarmac of the Marnie bass in Kabul expecting to get shot. An Afghan chopper was lucky if it got in the air space of the base without getting blown out of the sky. Someone had told them she was coming because there was a gurney and two soldiers waiting for her. As they took Cody out of the back of the helicopter a Staff Sergeant grabbed her by the arm and pulled her the opposite direction.

"I have to go with my brother." The man turned and looked at her with steel grey eyes.

"The only thing you have to do is get on the next transport out of her. I have one with wheels up in five minutes."

"And you are?"

"A friend. Now see that big green plane at the end of the runway. Get on it, sit down and don't talk to anyone. It's going to Twenty nine Palms via Germany but you'll be on US soil in less then a day."

"What about Cody?"

"Lance Corporal Hawkes will be on the next evac flight to Bethesda. I suggest you get a lawyer and keep your mouth shut." He pushed her toward the plane. "Good job Agent Hawkes." He turned and was gone before Jess could say thanks.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*July 30, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Bethesda Maryland

Cody tried to open his eyes but it wasn't working. No matter how hard he tried they wouldn't open. He felt a warm hand on his wrist and heard mumbles of someone talking. He tried to grasp the hand that held his wrist but he couldn't do it. Then the feeling was gone. A few minutes later a warm hand took his. He struggled but his eyes finally opened.

"Matt?"

"Hey buddy, it's about time you joined the party." Matt pulled his chair closer.

"Jess?"

"She's a little tied up at the moment but she'll be here as soon as she can."

"Where?"

"Navel Hospital in Bethesda. Seems little sister still has some pull. She got the best doctors in the world to make sure your back to normal…well as normal as you get that is." Cody tried to smile.

"She came?"

"Yeah Cody, she came for you. Pulled you out of that hole all by herself." Tears formed in the younger Hawkes eyes.

"Stupid."

"No, brave. She did what she had to do. What she needed to do." Cody closed his eyes and nodded.

"Home?" Matt squeezed his brother's hand.

"Soon Cody. Just rest."

Twenty-nine Palms

USMC Base

"You committed treason Hawkes." The Colonel in front of her did not look happy.

"I had my orders."

"Your orders came from an unknown origin." Jess shrugged. "You tell us who helped you and you won't spend the next fifty years in the brig."

"I followed the orders giving to me."

"Matthew Hawkes is your commanding officer. Are you saying he gave an order to retrieve your brother from Afghanistan?"

"No sir." The door burst open.

"Jess don't you say another word." Jess looked at her father. "Her lawyer is on his way." The Colonel looked at Jess and then at her father. He shook his head and left the room.

"How's Cody?"

"Matt just called. He regained consciousness." Jess closed her eyes.

"Good."

"You know your screwed Jess." She opened her eyes and looked at her father.

"Don't hold back dad."

"I'm just saying." He smiled.

"At least he's home. Is mom gone to see him?"

"I put her on a plane this morning." Jess nodded.

"Good." The Colonel came in the room and threw down a folder.

"I don't know how you did it Hawkes but I will find out." Jess looked at him.

"I just did a job." He shook his head.

"Well some how your 'papers' were misfiled." Jess looked at the older man. "If I even see you within a hundred yards of a Marine base Ms. Hawkes, I will have your badge and all your White House connections will do you absolutely no good." He turned to leave then turn back. "You have fifteen minutes to get off my base or I will bring you up on chargers." He left slamming the door behind him again.

"What did I miss?" Her dad looked at her. She opened the file. The papers were there. All the I's were dotted and the T's were crossed.

"Kitrick." Jess pushed the file to her father.

"That can't be good." Jess closed the file and stood.

"I'm not saying it won't bite me in the ass but let's get out of here before he changes his mind." Jess and Jesse headed to the door and the sweet taste of freedom.

"JT has a plane waiting in Tahoe for you."

"Daddy I can't go. I can't see him like that. Do you know how much it took out of me to see him so weak?" She stopped in front of her father's truck. "I know he'll hate me but I just can't." Jesse looked at his youngest child. He knew how close she was to Cody. "You go. I'll be ready when he gets home."

"Are you sure?"

"Please." Jesse nodded. He wasn't sure how his son would deal with his sister not showing up at his hospital bed but he knew that they would work it out.

*-*-*-*-*-*July 31, 2009*-*-*-*-*-*

"I need to get out of here." Cody looked at Jesse. "Now dad."

"Son you heard the doctor. Two weeks."

"Have I ever…" Things still got mixed up. "Jess…"

"She had some things to take care of son she couldn't come."

"Hates me."

"Cody your sister doesn't hate you." Jackie sat next to her son. "If she hated you she would have left you in that God forsaken place." Cody knew his mother was trying to help.

"Not funny mother." She smiled.

"It kinda was Cody." He looked into her son's eyes which were so much like his father's. "Jess had a lot to do when she got back. A lot to…deal with."

"She got in trouble?" Jackie looked at Jesse. "Dad?"

"A little."

"How…much…is…"

"Enough. She's home now. "

"Talk…" Cody closed his eyes. "Please." Jesse knew that it frustrated him not to be able to convert his full thoughts into words.

"Do you want me to call her?"

"I can't talk."

"She doesn't care. All she cares about its that your safe."

"She hates me." Jesse took a step forward.

"Cody James she does not hate you. Call her." He handed his son the phone. Cody dialed and put the phone to his ear.

"Ranger station, Flynn speaking how I can help you."

"Benji…"

"Hey brother…good to hear your voice."

"You too. Jess?"

"You just missed her man. Her and Cutler had a nasty crash to clean up on the highway. Had to climb a cliff to get the guy down."

"Tell…her…to…call…"

"You know I will. Do you know when you're coming home?" Cody closed his eyes. Home sounded so good.

"Two weeks."

"Great. Hey I got another call, take care man. I miss you."

"Me too." He hung up. "She's not…there." Jesse hung up the phone.

"You rest. Your mom and I are going to get some dinner. We'll be back."

"Don't…get some rest." Jackie looked at her son. She knew things were bad with him.

"We'll come say goodnight." Cody shook his head.

"Goodnight." She touched his cheek. He pulled away. He didn't like to be touched much anymore. Jackie stood and Jesse said his goodbyes. They walked down the hall.

"She needs to be here Jesse."

"I can't make her get on a plane and come here Jackie. Any more then you can."

"He's slipping away. He needs her."

"She'll be there. Just not now."

"Why Jesse? Why can't she come and help him?"

"Jackie..." Jesse stopped and took her hands in his. "She used up everything she had pulling him out of that place. She's not the same either baby. You've talked to her. You know." Jackie looked at her husband of nearly fifty years. She knew he was right and she hated it.

"We can't lose them both Jesse." Jesse hugged his wife.

"We won't baby. We won't."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess hung up her jacket and headed to the kitchen, stopping at the front desk and grabbed her messages. She went to the fridge and got a soda.

"Hey brat." She looked up to see Benji coming down the back steps.

"Hi. How was your day?"

"Didn't have to scrape anyone off a mountain." Jess shook her head.

"You're a sick puppy Benji."

"Hey Cody called. He wants you to call him." She looked at her messages.

"You couldn't write that down?" Flynn smiled his no one gets mad at me smile.

"Yeah but I wanted to see your smiling face to give it to you." Smiling she walked into the weather room and sat down behind her brothers desk. She couldn't talk to him right now. What would she say? Matt came in.

"I have a hang glider down in Desolation."

"How far in?"

"All the way."

"Crap." She stood up and Cody was the last thing on her mind for a very long time.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*August 1, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"I need to get home." Cody looked at his doctor.

"I know you do son but we want to keep you around here a bit longer. Make sure your CT scan comes back clean. How's the therapy coming?"

"Okay."

"Just okay?"

"Yeah." The doctor looked at him.

"A counselor is on call if you need to talk son."

"Thanks."

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow." He closed the chart. Cody looked out the window. Jess hadn't called him back yesterday. She was mad at him. The minute that ground to air missal hit his tail rutter he knew it would end. All he prayed for is that Jess would forgive him for leaving her. Now she didn't forgive him at all.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess let the warm water run over her. It had been sixteen hours since she last had any sleep and only then it had only been for an hour or two. Matt kicked her out of the office an hour ago and told her to go home and not come back for at least twenty four hours. Turning off the shower she screamed when an arm shot out with a towel.

"Damn it Cutler." She pulled back the shower curtain. He was smiling.

"You do clean up good Ranger Hawkes."

"You're an ass Ranger Cutler." Wrapping the towel around herself she stepped out of the tub. He handed her the phone.

"Call Cody." She glared at him. "Damn it Jess he's climbing the walls thinking your hating him right now. How can you do that to him?"

"He knows I don't hate him Jimmy."

"I talked your dad a few minutes ago and from what he says Cody thinks you are mad at him. Call him." She took the phone and dialed the number she had memorized the day she got home. The phone rang four times.

"Hello."

"Miss me?" She looked at Cutler.

"You know I don't." She almost laughed but for some reason she didn't. His voice sounded different.

"How are you doing?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to know."

"Why now."

"Cody I've been a little tied up here."

"For a week." Jess closed her eyes and leaned against the sink.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were up to talking."

"How bad?" Matt had told her that sometimes he didn't complete sentences and well to be honest he didn't need him to.

"I'm not in jail am I?"

"Not funny."

"Mom said you lost your sense of humor."

"Brat." Jess smiled.

"I'm sorry I didn't come out. They held me for a few days and I thought you needed mom and dad more."

"Always need you Jess."

"I need you too Cody."

"Thank you."

"Anytime big brother. Get some rest."

"Kay, I will. Love you."

"I love you too." There were tears in her eyes as she hung up. Cutler took her in his arms. She was shaking.

"You did good Jess. Real good."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah. He's going to be okay now." Cutler knew that all Cody needed to start to get better was to hear her voice. Matt said that he wasn't doing well and when he got the phone call from Jesse tonight he knew that he needed to get Jess to call her brother. "Let's go to bed."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*August 15, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess stood at home plate. The sheriff's team was ahead by two runs. She hated using her tight uniform to her advantage, but Tommy Murphy so loved a blond in tight pants. She smiled and adjusted her helmet.

"Keep your eye on the ball Murphy not my sister." Matt yelled from the dug out. Jess tried not to laugh and planted her feet into the ground around home plate. Jess looked at Cutler on second base.

"I'm bringing you home baby." She yelled to him. The first pitch was low and outside. "Come on Murphy I know you got more then that in you." The second pitch was high and inside nearly taking her out.

"Get any closer Murphy and she'll take you out." Cutler yelled. "With her bat." The third pitch was perfect. Jess took a deep breath and swung with all her might. Cutler was already rounding third when the ball flew to center field. Jess threw the bat and ran toward first base.

"Take two Jess…" Matt yelled from the side lines. "Hold up!" He said as she started to round second to go to third. She slowed down and took two steps back to the base as the ball came back to Murphy who was standing next to her.

"When are you going to dump the old guy Hawkes?" Jess looked at the young deputy.

"That old guy could run circles around you Tommy." Matt was up next. "My big brother's going to take your head off if you don't take your cute little butt back to the pitcher's mound." Tommy turned and looked at home plate.

"I know you don't need your brother to make it to home plate Hawkes." Tom smiled.

"I don't need him to kick your ass either but watching him do it would make my day." He shook his head and went back to the mound. He knew he'd never win a battle of wits with her. She smiled and took a good lead. Matt winked at her and he took the first half assed pitch Murphy threw. It flew high and long then over the back fence. Jess headed home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*

The Rockingham was packed. Jess sat next to Cutler at the back table. She leaned against him and took a long drink from her beer. Matt was playing pool with Izzy. Hart and Robin were at the juke box. Trainer and Flynn were shooting darts. The only one missing was Cody. Jess closed her eyes.

"You better not be passing out on me."

"I can drink your ass under the table."

"Keep your eyes closed." She turned and opened her eyes. "Jess do you ever do anything anyone says?"

"If it makes sense." She laughed and turned to see Jake carrying in a cake. Everyone in the bar started singing happy birthday. Jess shook her head.

"You guys are going to get it." She sat up. Twenty seven candles burned bright on her cake. The finished singing and Cutler pushed her forward.

"Make a wish baby." Jess smiled. Remembering wishes past and how she wrote them all down in a note book and crossed them off if they came true. The one she made for eight years straight had come true when her birth parents were killed by Letta. All she wanted to do was stay with Jesse and Jackie all year long. She got her wish. Closing her eyes she wished harder then she ever wished for anything and blew out the candles. Opening her eyes her breath got sucked out of her lungs. Cody was standing in front of her. No way had her wish come true, let alone that fast.

"You look like you've seen a ghost." Jess stood.

"I've wished you home so much in the last three months I guess I'm just thinking you're a dream."

"Your worst nightmare baby sister." She took a step forward. He met her half way and hugged her tight. "God I missed you."

"Not as much as I missed you." Jess didn't want to ever loose the feeling she had when she opened her eyes and saw Cody standing there. "Welcome home."

"Good to be home." Jess pushed him away.

"You're never leaving these mountains again."

"You haven't lost your bossy attitude."

"Not when it comes to you." She looked at him. His blue eyes were not warm like she remembered. They were almost cold like they'd get when he was angry. "Can I buy you a beer?"

"The meds and alcohol don't really mix."

"I'm sure I can get Jake to round up a soda." The rest of the people in the room came to greet him. "I'll let your friends catch up." She started toward the bar. Cody grabbed her hand.

"You risked everything…." She looked into his eyes. They hadn't warmed.

"Without you on my side, there isn't anything to fight for." She smiled. Pulling her hand away she went to the bar. Cody watched her go. Cutler stood up. Cody looked at him.

"She's still mad at me." Cutler shook his head.

"She was never mad at you my friend." He pushed passed him. "Just give her time." Jess was standing at the bar with three shots of tequila in front of her along with a can of soda.

"You drink those and you'll be sorry in the morning honey." She looked at him.

"Something's wrong."

"With what?"

"Cody." She took the first shot.

"He spent some time in a pretty awful place Jess."

"I know." The second shot went down. Cutler took the third and downed it before she did.

"Just be there for him Jess. That's all you can do." She looked at the man she had spent the better part of ten years lusting after. He got her like nobody else. Even Cody.

"Thanks Jimmy." She leaned over and kissed him. Cody was home. All was right in her world. Or she though.


	18. Chapter 18

Beginnings

Chapter Eighteen

August 16, 2003

Cody knew better then to enter the room without a cup of strong black coffee. Sometime after three he heard her stumble in. Matt had told him things between Cutler and their sister was a rollercoaster lately but he last night he saw the love in Cutlers eyes but nothing in his sisters. She was as messed up as he was. He opened the door. It was dark and cold, just how she liked it. He let his eyes adjust to the darkness. His night vision still wasn't what it should be. Moving the clothes off the chair next to her bed he sat down setting her coffee on the table. Cody leaned back and closed his eyes.

His ribs ached still but most of his injuries were almost healed. The headaches persisted but the doctor said they might until his life got settled again. He laughed to himself. His life hadn't been settled since Matt came to tell his dad about TJ Cousins getting out of prison when he was fourteen.

"You better have brought coffee." Jess lifted her head off the pillow. He handed her the cup.

"I would of though the way Cutler was hovering last night this would be the last place I'd find you." She pulled the covers up around her and sat up, leaning against the head board and taking her coffee between her hands.

"Yeah well sometimes looks are deceiving." Jess looked at her brother. "How's your head?"

"The doctor said the pain would ease." She looked at him. The cold was still in his blue eyes. She went over his medical file last week. Three broken ribs, fractured skull, internal bleeding, cuts and bruises were all healing right on schedule. But the damage to her brother's psyche might never heal. "Tell me what happened last night?"

"He doesn't like the drunk Jess. The slightly buzzed Jess is okay. The wasted Jess doesn't appeal to him." She looked curled her legs under her and closed her eyes. "I think he liked when I was young and didn't have a voice."

"Jess, you've always had a voice. You just use it to your disadvantage some times." She smiled.

"You always knew me better then I know myself."

"You'll work it out." Opening her eyes she looked at him and smiled.

"Maybe...maybe not."

"Jess I may not like the fact that you and Cutler have had this on and off thing for what like ten years but Jess he makes you happy. Why fight it?" She looked down at her coffee.

"He still Cutler. He still has a yen for something different when he gets board."

"He cheats on you?" Jess looked at her brother. His hands clenched on the arms of the chair.

"No. Not when we're together he's faithful as any man can be."

"That doesn't sound convincing Jess."

"Cody, Cutler has never been unfaithful when we're together. He respects me and my family too much. I know that. Sometimes I push him away when he gets too close. It's my safety mechanism."

"Now you're starting to sound like the profiler you are." She laughed. Her phone vibrated on the bedside table. Setting down her coffee she picked up the phone.

"Hawkes."

"Get in here. We have a big mess." Jess looked at Cody.

"And this is my problem why?" Matt knew she was off and would be hung over.

"Remember our three fishermen from last month?"

"Who could forget them?"

"Attitude isn't what I'm looking for this morning Jess."

"What are you looking for then?"

"ATF needs our help. It seems our fishermen had a cabin in the woods. They were all killed execution style and ATF thinks there might be more to it." Jess closed here eyes.

"The mob's moving west?"

"OCB hasn't reared its head yet but I'm thinking if ATF finds something they might be next." Jess looked up. Cody was gone.

"Should I see if Cody might want in?"

"He's got six weeks leave."

"He needs to get his mind set back."

"We'll work on that a little at a time Jess. Right now I need you in here. How's your head?"

"Clearer then it was last night."

"Yeah well next time you and Cutler get into a knock down, drag out don't do it in the middle of my living room." Jess closed her eyes. She remembered dropping off Matt at his apartment.

"Enough said." She hung up the phone and got dressed without really thinking. She grabbed her jacket and left her room. Cody was sitting at the kitchen table. "I have to go to work. You need anything?"

"You don't have to take care of me."

"Just asking if you needed anything."

"We need to talk about what happened." Jess grabbed her boots from by the door and sat down. She knew Cody well enough to know he wasn't just taking about last night.

"Your home safe. That's all that matters." She started lacing her boots.

"You risked your life to get me out of that place Jess." She looked up.

"I wish I would have gotten there sooner."

"I got most of my injuries from the crash. My head, my ribs."

"Don't lie to me Cody. I know a long term abuse when I see it. They never told us how long you'd been missing." She bent again to tie her boots.

"Three weeks." He swallowed hard. Jess froze. How could they have gone three weeks without telling his family that he was gone? Cody's cold eyes looked into Jess's dark brown ones full of fear. "You save me Jess." But had she done it before permanent damage was done.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"Jess?" Matt sat next to her in his truck a mile from the cabin the ATF was going to raid in an hour.

"I don't want to talk about it." Matt shook his head.

"You need to talk about it."

"I have talked about it till I'm blue in the face Matt. Cody's home and he's safe. What more is there to talk about?"

"The fact that you haven't slept unless alcohol is involved for one."

"Cutler talks too much." He looked at her.

"As much as I hate to admit this Cutler cares a whole hell of a lot more for you then you realize and it's killing him seeing you this way. It's killing all of us Jess." She turned and looked at him.

"Who and the hell asked him to care. Any of you for that matter." She got out of the truck and started walking up the dirt road.

"Jess..." Matt got out and followed her. "Like it or not your part of this family and part of this team. When you hurt the rest of us tend to rally, you should know that."

"It's Cody that's hurting. Not me. I had the last month of my life to be with my family and friends...he hasn't." She stopped and looked at her brother. "Have you noticed his eyes Matt? Have you." He had. "They're cold. Like when he's got a lead he just can't put aside or when he's pissed at you. I'm aware of the latter because I've been subject of it most of my life." Matt looked at Jess.

"He'll get better Jess. PTS is bound to rear its ugly head." Jess leaned against a tree.

"I know. He's always been the strong one Matt. The one I lean on when things get messy. How can I be the strong one?" Matt looked at her.

"The minute you threw that recon file on my desk Jess, you became the strong one. You did what you had to do to get the job done. You carried him half a mile to safety with an army chasing you. Now if that isn't being the strong one I don't what is." Jess crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked up at him. "You know I'm right." He touched her cheek. "You saved him. You were strong for him."

"He needs somebody to be strong for him now." Matt looked at her.

"I have no doubt in my mind that person is you." Jess looked at her oldest brother and hoped he was right because if she couldn't get the old Cody back she didn't know what she would do.

"I was a real ass to Jimmy last night wasn't I?" Matt shook his head.

"I went to bed after the fist F bomb dropped." He looked at his sister. "Fix it later. Right now we have a job to do." Going to the back of the truck he took out two sniper rifles. "You lead the first team in but fall back at the tree line. I'm not getting my people killed over some mob war we have nothing to do with." Jess nodded. "Cutler and Avila are standing by if we need anything."

"Watch your six. I don't like this. It feels wrong." He looked at her.

"Tell me about it." Turning she headed to meet the team down the road.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess stopped the group a half mile from the cabin. She bent down and looked at the gravel on the drive. Oil, fresh oil. The leader of the team came up behind her.

"What's wrong?"

"You said no one had been here since the fishermen were hit."

"Yeah. No one in or out."

"Someone has been in here as early as this morning. Are you confident with your Intel?"

"Sketchy at best." Jess knew she shouldn't trust a fed ever again. She stood up and let out a bird call. The team lead grabbed her arm. "What the hell was that?"

"Radio silence makes it kinda hard to warn the B-team they're walking into a trap. My brother will hold his position till her hears differently." Jess took three steps but kept her eyes to the ground. Her line of vision told her everything she needed to know. "There are traps set here." She pointed to the north. "And here." To the south. If your people would have charged in like you wanted to your team would be dead." Jess stood up and turned around. "You need to get better Intel." Jess made another call and started heading back to the truck.

"Hawkes, where are you going?"

"Back to get a bomb squad out her to find out what these people did to my mountains."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-August 19, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Happy Birthday baby." Jackie brought out a cake. Her brother's and parent's sand to her she didn't make a wish this time because her last one had come true.

"Thanks mom." Jess looked across the table at her brother. He was smiling at her but it didn't quite reach his eyes. The last couple of days he'd been in bed when she got home and still there when she left in the morning. She was worried about him. Even more worried then she had been when he was a million miles away.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Dinner was over and the dishes done. Jess was out on the back porch with a beer when Cody came out.

"I'm headed home." She turned and looked at him.

"Let me just say good bye to mom and dad and I'll walk with you." He started down the step. "Cody?" He stopped and looked at her.

"I just want to be alone." He turned and started toward his house.

"You not alone in this Cody." He stopped. Turning to face her, the anger in his eyes had multiplied.

"You don't know anything about being alone Jess. You don't know what it's like to open your eyes in the morning and know there's not one single person is there for you." She knew. Everyday from September till June she knew but he didn't need to know that.

"I've always been there Cody. I may not have been able to physically be there but you know I was there." She took a step toward him. He backed up.

"You never came....to the hospital." The angrier he got the harder it was for him to articulate.

"I couldn't. I tried. I got in the Cessna a half dozen times. I called JT and hung up. Cody you have always been the one thing in my world I could count on. From the time I was five you were there for me. There when I needed you. I know I wasn't there for you and I'm sorry but I couldn't see you broken." Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I couldn't let you see me broken." Cody took a step and met her half way. He took her in his arms.

"I'm sorry Jess." She clung to him.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for Cody. You were doing what you needed to do." They stood there clinging to each other for a long time. Matt stood in the window. Closing his eyes he prayed the healing process for the both of them had begun.


	19. Chapter 19

Beginnings

Chapter 19

September 4, 2003

Cody woke up in a cold sweat, the scream trapped in his throat. The blond woman next to him oblivious of his nightmare. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on his shorts. The nights seemed to go on and on lately. Some nights he wasn't sure if he would make it though. Getting up he headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water and something for the pain in his head. Jess was already there. The ice water in a glass and the two pills next to it.

"Maybe dad was right about is spending too much time together as kids." She smiled.

"That time got me though my childhood." Standing up she grabbed her glass and pushed in her chair. Cody looked at his sister. She wasn't sleeping any better then he was.

"Maybe you should kiss and make up with Cutler." She put her glass in the sink and turned to head back to her room.

"That ship has sailed. One day we'll look back and have a good laugh about the years we wasted trying to make it work." Reaching out to touch his cheek she wasn't surprised he pulled back. "Goodnight." She put her hands in the pocket of her robe and headed back to her bed.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"Are you trying to blow the thing up?" Jess glared at Cutler across the shed. "I mean hell Jimmy why don't you just lay it on its side full throttle and we'll see how long it takes."

"You know what Jess you really need to see somebody about the stick up your ass lately." Narrowing her eyes she took a step forward.

"The only thing up your ass is going to be my..." Matt stepped between them.

"That is just about enough you two. For the love of God, please stop your bickering." He looked at Cutler. "You go get your bike and change the oil on it, NOW!" Turning to Jess he glared at her. "I mean it Jess your attitude better change in the next five minutes or I'm writing you up." She looked at her brother and crossed her arms over her chest.

"He's going to blow his bike..."Matt put his hand up.

"Not the attitude I was looking for Jessie Lynne." He so sounded like their father right then. She shook her head.

"Yes sir, Commander Hawkes, sir."

"Jess, I mean it. Your two need to knock it off. If you can't work together when you're not sleeping together one of you is out of here, do you understand me? I never though I would have to throw in a fraternization clause in our contracts but little sister your begging for it." Rolling her eyes she went back to fixing her motor cycle.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cutler drained the oil from his bike in a coffee can that was on hand for just that reason. Matt came out of the utility shed, his blue eyes full of anger. He knew better then to talk to him now. Things with him and Jess were getting worse by the day and he knew it. He was going to have to deal with her sometime but lately every time they were in the same room someone got pissed.

"Tell me why?" Cutler looked up at Matt standing over his bike.

"Why what?"

"Why you and Jess can't get along?"

"Did you ask her?"

"I'm asking you."

"Ever since Cody went missing she's all over the place. One minute she's the Jess we know and love and the next she's taking everything you say and do the wrong way. All I did just now was ask her to adjust my throttle."

"Do you think when Cody comes back she'll get her sunny disposition back?" Cutler looked at his friend.

"God I hope so because man I can't live with volcano Jess popping up at any given moment." Matt took a deep breath.

"I was hoping now that things were better between her and Cody that the rest of the things with her would fall into place."

"I talked to Jake last night. She's been in every forty-hours like clock work. I can only imagine the last time she got any sleep that wasn't tequila induced."

"She does her job." Cutler rocked back on his heels and stood up.

"Exactly. That's all she does lately. Her job. Then she disappears for two days till she has to do it again." He looked at the utility shed. "I hate to say this but I think we need to bring your old man up to speed." Matt shook his head, Jess hated him enough as it was. Bringing Jesse into this wasn't an option.

"I need to deal with this my way. I tell Jesse and he'll take her down a few notches and she'll never trust you or me again." Cutler knew he was right. "Let's give her a couple of weeks and maybe with Cody back in the rotation she'll lighten up. In the mean time try not to piss her off."

"Dido to you too." Matt nodded and headed to the office.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*September 14, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess climbed out of bed and ran her fingers though her hair. She hated Mondays more then anything in the world. Today was going to be different. Cody was coming back to work today. Just office stuff but he'd be there. She saw his door was still closed. Most mornings he had been sleeping when she left but this was the first day back to work. Grabbing two cups and filling them up with coffee she headed to wake him up. Opening his door she set the coffee on his dresser.

"Rise and shine." She turned and saw he was already sitting up on the edge of his bed.

"Go without me."

"Not an option." She took the cups and handed him one and sat next to him on the bed. "No pretty blond waitress?" She raised her eyebrows.

"She doesn't like you." Jess frowned.

"I only met her in passing, why wouldn't she like me?"

"Haven't a clue." Cody looked at her. "Just because your personal life sucks doesn't mean we all have to suffer."

"Cody I never said a two words to her."

"Maybe that's why she thinks you hate her." Jess shook her head.

"Next time I'm at the Rockingham I promise to be nice."

"That's another thing we need to talk about."

"What's that?"

"The time you spend at the Rockingham."

"It's my time Cody." She stood up.

"You want me to wake up in the morning with a smile and go to work you need to stop spending your nights off drinking away whatever you're stressing over." She went to the door.

"No promises." She leaned against the door frame. "I don't have a problem Cody." He stood. Even though he was only four inches taller then her he always seemed to make her feel small when he stood in front of her.

"You keep telling yourself that and see where it gets you." He pushed passed her and headed for the kitchen. Jess stood alone in the doorway for a minute. He was right. She was in self destruct mode again for no apparent reason. Taking a sip of her coffee she turned and joined him in the kitchen. It was Cody's head she needed to get back in the game and if her heart wasn't in it then it might not work. Taking a deep breath she joined her brother. He was standing at the sink looking out the window. She reached and touched his shoulder. Before she knew it she was on the floor, Cody's knee on her chest and his fist ready to hit her. The stark empty look in her brother's eyes was more freighting then the fact he was going to hit her.

"CODY!" The sound of her voice broke him out of whatever thought process he was in.

"Jess?" He looked at her. His knee pressing into her chest. Getting up quickly he reached down and pulled her up taking her in his arms. "God, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her.

"No it's not Jess." He took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. "That wasn't okay. I'm not okay." He let go of her and turned back to the window.

"Tell Matt I can't do it. Not now." Jess stood behind him. She nearly reached out and touched him again but pulled back her hand.

"We're leaving in ten minutes. You can tell him yourself. Maybe talk it out with him." She turned to leave then turned back. "I'm not giving up on you Cody. Not now, not ever." She left him standing there while she got dressed.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Can I get you a soda?" Jess heard Cutler's voice coming from above her. She was underneath the Blazer, changing the oil. Sliding out she looked up at him. He was holding a can. She sat up and reached for it.

"Thanks." She looked down at the ground.

"Anytime." He turned to leave.

"Jimmy?" He looked over his shoulder.

"Yeah."

"You busy tonight?" He looked at her. Everything told him to tell her that he was. That he didn't want to see her outside work anymore but something told him she needed the friend he'd always been to her.

"I can change my plans." She shook her head.

"Some other time." She set her can down and slid back under the truck. Turning back to her he squatted down and pulled her out by her ankle.

"Jess, really it's no problem." He saw the anger growing in her eyes.

"Just forget it." She tried pulling her ankle from his grip but he wouldn't let go.

"Your brother is about one raised voice from suspending us both Jess. If you want to work this out I'd rearrange my whole life." She looked at him. "I care about you more then anything in this world and if something is wrong that I can help with baby, let me." Tears welled up in her eyes. He would help her. Help her understand what was going on with Cody and maybe going on with her as well.

"I don't want to fight anymore Jimmy." She looked more tired then he'd seen her in a long time. He leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"Either do I. I'll pick you up for dinner at eight." Jess slid back under the truck and finished what she had started.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"When's the last time you slept more then an hour at a time?" Cutler looked at her across the table.

"I can't put my finger on the exact day but it's been awhile?"

"Why?"

"Just can't seem to shut my mind down."

"Hence the tequila?"

"Yes." She looked down at her soda. "Cody has nightmares. I wake up to him begging them to stop."

"Have you told your dad or Matt?"

"Cody wouldn't forgive me."

"So you stay awake to stop the nightmares?"

"No I stay awake to stop my nighmeres."Cutler looked at her. The dark circles under eyes told him that she was telling the truth. They ordered dinner and spent the rest of the evening talking about things that they needed to make things right again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess and Cutler walked down Main Street. The warm weather wasn't going to last long and soon the fall would come along with lots of work heading their way,

"It's getting late." Cutler looked at Jess.

"Yeah. I should head home." They stopped at Cutler's truck.

"I don't want to fight anymore Jess." He touched her cheek.

"I don't either but I also don't know how to make it work." He touched the chain that hung around her neck and pulled the sunshine pendent from her shirt.

"Just talk. If we piss each other off just talk it out. I know you can talk Jess." She smiled. He pressed her against the car and she winced. "What's wrong?" Shaking her head she frowned.

"It's nothing." Cutler didn't look convinced. He turned her around and lifted up her jacket and t-shirt. A bruise had spread across her back.

"That's not 'nothing' Jess." He pulled her jacket down and turned her around. "What happened?"

"I…wasn't thinking and I snuck up on Cody and put my hand on his shoulder. He had me on the ground before I could react."

"Cody did that?"

"He took me down on the kitchen floor. The tiles aren't the softest things to land on." She looked at up at him. "You can't tell anyone Jimmy. I have a hard enough time getting him to work as it is. If Matt or my dad find out they may bench him and right now he needs to work." Cutler looked at her. He had cared about for nearly fifteen years. Watched her back, saved her ass and made love to her more times then he could count. She meant the world to him and she needed him now more then ever to help her though this. Taking her in his arms he held her close.

"We'll get though this baby."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*September 15, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess heard the yell for help and was out of her bed before Cutler even registered the movement. The blond waitress from the Rockingham was in the corner of the bedroom on the floor. Cody was on the bed, thrashing like someone was holding him down.

"Mindy…are you okay." Jess went to the woman. She nodded.

"I can't wake him up. Usually…" Jess nodded.

"Grab your clothes and go to my room." She did as she was told. Cody had stopped thrashing and now he was moaning in pain. Cutler stood at the door.

"Be careful waking him up Jess."

"Cody!" She yelled from the end of the bed. "Wake up Cody." She moved to the side. "Cody you need to wake up. She leaned over and before she had a chance to pull back he grabbed her arm. This time she was ready. Planting her feel she grabbed his arm and elbowed him awake.

"Jess." He looked at her. "Where's Mindy?"

"She's in my room." Jess sat down on the edge of the bed. "Are you okay?" He looked at Cutler standing in the door way.

"I see you made up." She grabbed his face.

"This isn't about me Cody. Talk to me."

"They beat me every time I fell asleep." He swallowed hard. "Every time I closed my eyes they beat me." He looked at Jess and then Cutler. "In the three weeks they had me I hardly slept." Jess grabbed his hands.

"We'll get you though this."

"How? I'm no good to anyone like this Jess."

"You get up every morning and you do what you need to do to make it though. We'll help you." She looked at Cutler. "Right Jimmy?"

"What ever you need my friend." Cutler stepped in the room and put his hands on Jess's shoulders. "But you need more then just us Cody."

"I've been seeing a guy in Carson City. He's with the V.A. He listens. Doesn't say much and tells me to take my meds to sleep."

"Mindy's waiting to make sure your okay." Jess stood.

"Nothing like scaring a woman from your bed."

"I thought all women ran from your bed." Cody smiled. "We'll work this out Cody, without telling dad and Matt."

"Thanks." They left and sent Mindy back in the room. She wasn't afraid for her self, which was a good thing. Jess went back into her room. Cutler followed. He shut the door behind him.

"You want me leave?" Jess lay down on her bed.

"No." She pulled back the covers. He still wore is jeans. "You won't need those." She pointed to his pants.

"I think the pants should stay on Jess." He got into bed next to her.

"You afraid I won't be able to keep my hands off you?"

"I know you can't." He took her in his arms. "You need to sleep." He pulled the blankets up over them. "Sleep Jess." Kissing her neck he stroked her back. "We'll figure this all out in the morning." Jess closed her eyes and clung to the one person who knew all her secrets and still cared enough to rock her to sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

Beginnings

Chapter Twenty

*-*-*-*-*-*-*September 25. 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess slid down under the covers. It was a long day and an even longer night. Her head hurt and she wished she could sleep for a week.

"Jess?" Cody was at her door.

"Yeah." He came in.

"I know you had a long day." Jess sat up.

"That's okay. What do you need?" He sat on the bed next to her.

"Do you remember when you were about nine and we went to the Rodeo with dad and you told him you wanted to ride bulls when you got old enough?"

"Yeah. He turned ghost white and told me he'd lock me away till I was too old to get on a bull. I found it funny he cared for me that much even then."

"Did you ever ride a bull?" She looked at him.

"You know I didn't."

"Do you feel that your life is any less fulfilled because you haven't?"

"Where's this going Cody?"

"There were three things I wanted to be as a kid, a Ranger, a Marine and Spiderman." Jess laughed. She remembered he was always trying to shoot webs out of his hand.

"Two out of three ain't bad." Cody smiled.

"The Marines betrayed me and now I can barely make the Ranger part work for me Jess. I don't know what to do or how to make it right." Jess took his hand.

"I can't help you make a choice but I know for a fact that we both have had a pretty messed up couple of years. We have to work though it Cody, I know the future looks bleak sometimes but get over that hump and maybe the rest will work itself out."

"I need to know…that no matter what you'll pull me back if I…." Jess pulled him close.

"You know I will. You don't even have to ask." He hugged her.

"Thanks." He pushed her away. "Popcorn and a movie?" She knew that yes was the only answer.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

It was nearly four in the morning when Cutler let himself into Cody's house. The television was playing a horror movie and Jess and Cody were sleeping on opposite ends of the couch. He threw his keys on the counter and grabbed a soda from the fridge. Sitting down in the comfortable recliner, grabbing a blanked from the back of the chair, he looked at his friends. He tried putting the label of girlfriend on Jess but it never really fit. They were best friends, they were lovers but they were so much more. Closing his eyes he felt like he was finally home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess woke up with a stiff neck and Cody's knee in her back. Opening her eyes she saw Cutler sleeping on Cody's overstuffed recliner. She smiled. He was family. Her family. As much as Cody, Matt and her parents. Getting up she went and made coffee. A few minutes later she felt warm arms wrap around her.

"What time did you get home?"

"About four." She looked at the clock on the stove. It was six.

"You need some rest." Jess turned and looked at him. "You could have gone to your house after work."

"Then I wouldn't have woken up to your smiling face." He kissed her. "I'll head home after you go to work. I'll cook breakfast for you and Cody."

"You don't have to do that." Cody came around the corner to the kitchen.

"Yes he does." He grabbed three cups from the cupboard. "I went to the store yesterday. There's makings for omelets." Cutler started to the fridge. Jess looked at Cody. He looked a little better then he did last night.

"Okay, I'm going to jump in the shower." She left Cody and Cutler to deal with the food.

"My sister's right Cutler. You really don't have to cook for us."

"I've been hanging out here for the last few weeks. It's the least I can do." Cody poured two cups of coffee and put one down next to the stove and sat down at the kitchen table. "How are you sleeping?"

"Not the best. Last night even with Jess snoring I slept better then I have in a really long time." Cutler looked at him.

"Maybe we all should just sleep in the living room because I think I'm more alert after two hours on that chair then I have been after eight hours on any bed." Cody laughed.

"I never did thank you for coming to get me with Jess and Matt. It really meant a lot."

"I didn't do much."

"You came. That's all that mattered. Neither of you may not want to admit it but you both are stronger when you're together."

"Don't let your brother here you say that. Some days he cringes when we walk into together."

"Matt will get over it. Some days I think he lives for the stress Jess gives him."

"You think?" Cutler set an omelet and some toast in front of Cody. "Eat up; Matt's got lots of fun planed for you today." Cody shook his head. It was the start of a long day and a very long week.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*October 31, 2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Matt looked at the files in front of him. It was only a week to Sierra Days and he didn't have everything he needed to make it run smoothly. Jess came into his office and she looked pissed at the world and tossed another file onto his pile and turned to leave. He didn't have it in him to call her on her mood. He figured it had something to do with him but today he didn't care. Matt opened the folder she threw at him. He looked though the papers and shook his head. Standing up he headed to find his sister.

"Jess?" He found her in Cody's office eating lunch alone.

"Yeah." She looked at him.

"When did you find time to do all this?"

"The last week has been kind of slow for me. I finished after the call last night." He sat across from her.

"I'm not keeping you here to do my work for me Jess."

"I know. It had to be done and you've been busy keeping Cody busy." He leaned back.

"Has he been sleeping any better?"

"A little. We watch horror movies until we fall asleep on the couch. I think knowing that he's not alone helps. It also got me to buy him a new couch." Matt laughed.

"So you guys are camping on your couch?"

"Basically. Some days we make it to bed but most of the time we just watch movies and talk." Matt nodded.

"The mornings see to be a little easier. He's not as tense."

"Good."

"How is Cutler dealing with you spending so much time at home?"

"He's been sleeping on the recliner." Matt looked surprise.

"I guess I underestimate his loyalty."

"After all he's done how could you doubt him?"

"I don't." He looked at the file and then at his sister. "You're really good at this stuff."

"I try. I knew what we needed from last year. I beefed up the air patrol and got an extra chopper from the CHP. They said we can pick it up anytime this week end."

"Great." He closed the folder. "Good job Jess." She looked up from her book.

"Thanks." She went back to reading and Matt left, shutting the door behind him. He met Cutler in the hall.

"Something wrong Matt?"

"Where's Cody?"

"The stable. He's training the new horse." Matt handed the folder to Cutler.

"Thanks. Go though this and make sure we have everything for next week end."

"You got it." Matt headed toward the stable.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"How's she doing?" Cody looked up to see Matt standing in the doorway.

"Better then we expected. She's a keeper." Matt came into the barn.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Better every night."

"Jess said you and her have been catching up on your horror movies."

"Yeah." Cody turned and looked his brother. "So you and Jess talking?"

"Now and then. She put together the contingency plan for Sierra Days."

"I knew she was working on it." Matt leaned against the stall.

"For so many years I was pushing her away I didn't realize how much she's grown up. When she threw that file down on my desk in July and told me she was going after you I just wanted to shake her and tell her that she didn't have to be the strong one anymore. That she didn't need to go half way around the world to prove herself to me or anyone else."

"She doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. Especially you."

"I know that. She takes charge of things and gets the job done. She doesn't expect anything in return."

"I know. Now I wish there was a way I could make it all up to her."

"Stop being her boss all the time and try being her brother." Cody fed the horse in front of him a carrot. "She's been though more then you and I know Matt. All she wants is to be part of this family."

"And I pushed her away." Cody looked at his brother.

"She doesn't blame you." He turned back to the horse. "Just don't be so hard on her all the time."

"I'll try." He looked at the spotless barn. "Keep up the good work." Matt turned and left Cody to finish up with the horse.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-December 23,2003*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

6:00 am

Jess worked all night and really wasn't in the mood to deal with Cody's I don't care attitude. He was on the couch glaring at her like all his problems were her fault.

"I have a half hour to shower and change and get your ass to work. Today is not the day to piss me off." Cody looked at her.

"No one asked you to be my keeper."

"You…oh now your really going to get your ass kicked if you don't get up now and get ready for work." Cody glared at her. "Don't look at me like that Cody James because you know damn well that I won't let you wallow away in your self pity." She went to the bathroom and took a much needed shower.

6:45 am

Jess sat on her bed and ran her hands though her hair. She didn't want to fight with Cody. Not today. She had almost lost a little boy today. He had gotten lost during a trip out in the woods to get a Christmas tree. Cutler and she found him half frozen over a mile from where they had started. He coded twice on the way to the hospital and she just couldn't deal with him today. Slipping on her jeans she tried to put aside her anger and pain before she faced him again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

6:50 am

Cody looked at himself in the mirror. He hadn't shaved in three days. It had been his week end off and he didn't feel like taking the time or the effort. Now he was making Jess just as miserable as he was. He wouldn't blame her if she left him.

"Coffee's on. Let's go Cody; I have to be back by seven or Matt going to have my ass." He looked at the door.

"I'll meet you there."

"No you won't. Now get your ass out here and let's go." Cody took his electric razor and quickly shaved. Jess was waiting for him with a cup of coffee and his coat.

"You're really being a bitch, you know that." He put on his coat and grabbed his coffee.

"So you don't get me a Christmas present." She headed out of the door. Cody followed.

"Like that would ever happen." He walked a few steps behind her as they walked to the station.

"If I'm late I'm so not speaking to you until New Year's."

"Is that a promise?" Jess turned around and glared at him, throwing her cup to the ground.

"I have put my life on hold to drag your ass to work every single day for the last four months. I've carried you when it comes to paper work and taking care of the things you forget or don't feel like doing. I'm sick of it and I'm through." She turned around and stormed down the rest of the way to the station.

7:05 am

"You're late." Jess came though the kitchen door. Matt was at the table.

"It won't happen again." She slammed the door and headed to the lounge. Two seconds later Cody opened the door.

"What did you do to her?" Matt looked at his brother. He was white as ghost. "Cody." He sat down at the table.

"Why didn't you tell me I was being a jackass?" Cody looked at his brother.

"I just assumed it was part of the new you." Matt stood up and filled his coffee cup. "What happened?"

"I guess I pushed harder then she was willing to take." Cutler came in the kitchen with his coffee cup and rinsed it out. He didn't say anything but Cody could tell he wasn't going to talk to him either. It had been a few weeks since Cutler had spent the night on the chair or Jess's bed. Standing up he went out the kitchen door slamming it behind him. Cutler turned around.

"What was that all about?"

"Seems he pushed little sister over the edge." Cutler shook his head.

"I'm surprised it took him this long." He sat across from Matt.

"You didn't see it coming?"

"I haven't really been around enough to notice."

"I thought you were spending all your free time with the two of them."

"There lies the problem. I love your brother but it was getting a little crowed at his place so I pulled back. I understand Jess needs to make it all right with Cody but she doesn't give herself any time."

"Or you?" Cutler shook his head.

"Low even for you Hawkes."

"Sorry. I just need to get those two back on track."

"Cody's the only one off his game, if you haven't noticed Jess's is been pulling both their weights." Matt looked at his friend.

"You mean Jess has been doing the work for both of them?"

"Other then the field work. She's even filing his weather reports for him."

"Why are you just now telling me this? How long have you two been broken up because of Cody?"

"I just stopped spending time at his place since before Thanksgiving. I guess your sister just didn't notice."

"You're taking it better then you usually do."

"She's doing it for Cody. I'm a prick but I'm not a selfish prick. At least when it comes to you and your family." He stood and went to find Jess and see if he could talk her down from this latest High Mountain drama.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*7:30 am*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Jess closed the file cabinet harder then she intended. It made her head pound harder then it had been a minute before.

"Here." Cutler stood behind her with a soda and four aspirin.

"Thanks." She took the pills and swallowed them down with a drink of soda.

"Want to tell me what's going on?"

"I can't deal with him anymore Jimmy." She looked at him. Tears welling up in her eyes. "I just can't do it anymore." He took her in his arms and let her get it out.

"You doing all you can baby." He held her close. "That's all you can do." They stayed there a long time, trying to heal.

7:35 am

Jesse found his youngest son where he knew he would. Sitting on the log overlooking the lake. It was a place all his children chose to come and think.

"It kind of early to be wallowing in self pity isn't it son." Cody looked at his father.

"I don't wallow." Jesse sat next to him.

"We'll your suppose to be working so I assume you were wallowing."

"I never asked her to save me."

"Do you honestly believe that something like that has to be asked of your sister?" Jesse looked out over the water. "You of all people should know that she'd do anything for you and your brother."

"She's always been there for me and I know she means well dad but I just don't know if I can be the person she needs me to be."

"You do what you need to get back to the place you want to be. You don't have to be the person you were, just be comfortable in who you are now. And let Jess know that you're working on things. All she wants is for you to be happy Cody."

"Do you think that's possible after everything that's happened?" Jesse looked at his son.

"Yeah. I know it's possible. Make up with your sister before dinner tomorrow night or your mother is going to give you hell."

"We're not fighting. I'm just not talking to her at this moment."

"Yeah and that ended splendidly the last time." Jesse stood up. "Just cut her some slack Cody." He looked at his son. "What would have happened if she hadn't risked everything to come get you Cody?"

"I would have died."

"You think that was a better option then owing your sister everything? She gets everything about you Cody and you get her. You know she's going make you get off your ass every day of the week so you don't wallow. Stop fighting her and get on with your life. Apologize to that waitress down at the Rockingham and go out. Start living the life you got back."

"What if I can't?" Jesse shook his head.

"Give it time son." He patted Cody on the back and headed back to his cabin. Cody looked out at the lake that held so many answers in the past. This time it was giving him squat. Turning he headed back into the building to find some kind of solace.

*-*-*-*-*-*10:00am*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess finished wrapping the presents for the children's home and packed them neatly in boxes. Cody had locked himself in his office over two hours ago and didn't show any signs of coming out. How bad could the weather be? She laughed at herself. She knew exactly how bad it could get.

"Do you want me to start loading those?" Matt came in.

"Sure." Grabbing a box she followed him out to her truck.

"I'll have Cutler come with you to deliver these." She looked at him.

"Thanks. It's getting nasty out. I would rather not be alone."

"Do me a favor and stop at Wal Mart in Carson City and pick up some more wrapping paper. Seems Robin and Hart forgot to tell me we were low."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Take your time getting back." He looked at his sister. "I think it's my turn to Toad sit." Jess smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't see what this was doing to you Jess. I just wasn't thinking."

"You know as well as I do Cody and I feel responsible for each other."

"I know. Just take some time to yourself. If it means working things out with Cutler so be it." She smiled a small smile.

"It really bothers you that we can't just be friends."

"It bothers me that my sister is on a path to self destruction and pain living with a man like Jim Cutler. But you and I both know that he is what he is and we wouldn't change him. You've never tried to make him what he's not and I admire you for the effort."

"We both know that it's never going to be forever."

"Well it's been ten years Jess. Forever is just around the corner." He smiled. "Just take some time. I'll make sure Cody goes to bed sober and wakes up to a good breakfast."

"Promise?" There were tears welling up in her eyes.

"Promise. Now get Cutler and get the hell out of here for awhile." She shut the back of the truck and headed inside to get Cutler.

1:15 pm

"Cody, lunch." Matt stuck his head in his brother's office.

"I'm not hungry." Matt shook his head.

"Not the right answer little brother. Finnish up and come eat." Cody looked up.

"She got to you didn't she?"

"Who?"

"Jess. She got to you and is making you take care of me."

"Okay, now you're just being a brat. All I want is to eat lunch. Come and get some if you want. If you want to be starving when we get a call and not have the energy to do your job oh well." Cody slammed his folder shut and Matt left.

"You're even starting to sound like her." Cody stood and headed into the kitchen. "Where is the little brat anyway?"

"I sent her into Carson City on some errands."

"Maybe now I can breathe." He said sitting down across from Benji. His friend looked up at him.

"Sucks to have someone care so much doesn't it?" The words were said with so much anger it took Cody by surprise.

"What crawled up your ass?" Matt turned to set a bowl of stew in front of his brother and saw the anger building in Flynn's eyes. Never in all the years Benji Flynn had been part of their circle of friends had he seen the younger man's anger directed at Cody.

"I know you've been to hell and back Hawkes but you better start treating the people who risked everything to pull you out of that hell. You walk around here in a fog and treat your friends and family like crap and expect us to feel sorry for you. We buddy it ain't happening." Benji got up and put his bowl in the sink with a loud clatter and headed up the back stairs. Cody looked around the room at the four remaining people there.

"Do you all feel the way he does?" Cody looked at Hart and Robin, then Avila and Matt. "Do you?"

"We're worried about you. We're concerned that Jess is burning herself out covering for you." Matt stood next to his brother. "I guess maybe need to know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

"You mean am I ever going to be the person I was before?"

"No Cody. I need to know that your want to be here. With us. Doing a job I know you love." Matt looked at the others in the room. "We can't tell you we know what you're going though but we're not strangers to pain either Cody. And we're not just the people you work with. We've been at this long enough that we're a family. We want to do all we can to help, if you'll let us. I know I've been putting it all on Jess because she knows you better then anyone and I know she's strong enough to pull you though but after today I don't know if she can." Cody knew his brother was right. Jess had been there for him. More then he would ever know.

"I guess I have been a little selfish. I'm sorry."

"Eat your lunch and go make up with Benji." Matt sat next to his brother. "Then when Jess gets back make up with her so we don't have another Christmas dinner fiasco." Cody nodded. He had a lot to make up to his friends and sister but he really didn't know if he had it in him.

2:00 pm

Jess sat across from Cutler at a diner outside of Carson City. They had stopped at the children's home and done their shopping. There were a few places along the way that Jess wanted to stop at along the way home but right now she was content sitting with her best friend eating a leisurely lunch.

"I haven't seen you smile in weeks." Jess looked up from her fries and grinned.

"You haven't been in my bed in weeks." She threw a fry at him.

"This is true. It's not from lack of trying, you know that don't you." He took her hand across the table and held it. "You really are beautiful, you know that." Jess laughed.

"You already have me Cutler; you don't have to bull shit your way in."

"I never bull shit you Jess. You've known me for too long." Jess pulled her hand from his and sat back.

"Maybe after New Years we should think about me moving back in to your place."

"If that's what you want." He looked at her with his blue eyes so very serious.

"Only if you want it to Jimmy." He looked down at his plate, then back at her.

"I want you to be happy Jess. If it means living at Cody's so you can keep an eye on him I understand. I just want you to make time for yourself. Don't get me wrong I think its great your trying to get him though this but baby, you one person. You need to shut down once in a while."

"I know I haven't been around much for you…"

"This has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with the fact that when you're not doing his work for him you're holding Cody's hand at home and your not sleeping well and I know if it wasn't for your mom bringing stuff to the station you wouldn't be eating." His eyes went from angry to sad in a split second. "I'm worried about you taking care of you."

"I'm doing fine. Really." She looked at him and smiled again. It warmed his heart to see her smile again after so long. "I want to move back in with you. I think Cody needs to stand on his own two feet again. I can't help him if he doesn't want to try."

"You're welcome to move back when ever you like."

"Are you sure it won't cramp your style?" He shook his head.

"Oh I'm sure you'll cramp something." Jess laughed and they finished their lunch.

4:30 pm

Matt dialed Jess's cell phone. He could barley see out to the parking lot from the front window and as much as he didn't want to rush his sister home he knew that the storm was bringing in way more snow then anyone predicted. Even Cody.

"Where are you?"

"About eight miles from home. Why?"

"Then you know how bad it's getting."

"Yeah, we'll be home in a few minutes. How's things there." Matt looked at Cody filing his own paper work in his office.

"Can't complain yet. Drive safe. I'll see you when you get here." Matt hung up the phone. He wished he could tell his sister to take the rest to the week off and get some rest. She looked so tired this morning. If things didn't get better soon he might have to bring in the big guns. Their parents. He really didn't want to do that.

6:00 pm

Jess sat on at the table helping Robin wrap some last minute Christmas presents. Cody had given her a wide birth since her and Cutler got back from Carson City.

"You okay?" Robin looked across the table at her friend.

"Yeah. How was he today?"

"Pissing people off. Not any different from any other day. He hasn't talked to you since you got back?"

"No. They went on that call just as I was pulling in. I guess he didn't have anything to say." Jess stacked the presents she wrapped in the box next to her. "I'm going to run these to mom and dads. Page me if we get a call."

"Okay. Jess, you seem happier. Did something happen while you were in Carson City with Cutler?" Jess smiled.

"We just talked. It was a good talk."

"Good." Jess put on her jacket and headed to her parents. When the trail from the station broke out into her parents drive. Cody was sitting on the porch swing. The Christmas lights where glowing and Jess felt a pang of quilt for the way she had acted this morning.

"You working for Santa now?" Jess smiled.

"I can tell you right now my boss is not a jolly old soul." Cody smiled.

"I'm sorry about this morning Jess."

"So I'm I." She set the box on the porch.

"I made an appointment with the VA doc in Carson City."

"Good. If you want me to come with you I will."

"Jess do your realize that your giving everything up for me?" She leaned against the railing.

"It's nothing you wouldn't do for me."

"Do your really believe that? That I would give up my free time, my love life, my friends for you?"

"If it meant helping me though a tough time, yeah, I think you would." Cody knew she was right. When it came to her he was just as loyal to her as she was to him. He took her and hugged her.

"I've got to come to grips with the demons inside me Jess. I just can't bring you down with me." She hugged him close.

"Nobodies going down Cody. Not if I can help it. I told you I would see you though this. I wasn't kidding." Cody knew that she would pull him though whatever came their way.


	21. Chapter 21

Beginnings

Chapter Twenty-one

December 31, 2003

7:15

Jess looked in the mirror one last time. It was the first time she was going out on New Year's Eve since she came back home. It was always a work day when she was on the mountain. Matt gave her and Cutler the night off. He told her he wasn't condoning their relationship, just taking Cody off her hands for one night. She smiled. Robin had done her hair and the dress she had on was the most expensive thing she's ever worn.

"Wow." She turned to see Matt standing in the locker room door way.

"Is it too much?" Her brother shook his head.

"A waste on Cutler but not too much." Jess smiled.

"I know you don't like the two of us together Matt but he makes me happy."

"I know. I'll get over it when I'm eighty or ninety."

"I'll have out grown him by then." She smiled. Matt leaned against the wall.

"Can I ask you something without you being offended?"

"You can try."

"If you feel like he isn't the person you want to spend the rest of your life with why do you stay together?" She looked at her brother.

"You know when you comfortable with someone and its working sometimes you're happy with right now and forever can wait."

"You deserve forever Jess." She smiled.

"So does he." She turned back to the mirror and finished getting ready.

8:30

Jess sat at the bar with her drink. Jake was waiting on a couple on the other side of the bar and Cutler was no where to be found. A half hour wasn't a really long time to wait but with Jim Cutler it could mean too many things. Jake set another drink in front of her.

"I told you that the man was no good for you kid." Jess looked up at the Rockingham's owner and head bar tender.

"You've knowing me long enough to know that if isn't bad for me I don't take the time." Jake laughed.

"I know. Just be careful. Bad gets you hurt."

"Just because you found the perfect woman doesn't mean we all have to give up our fun." Jess looked around one last time. It was eight fifty-five. Jess grabbed her purse and took out some cash and threw it on the bar. "Tell him not to bother looking for me."

"Thata girl." Jake smiled and watched Jess walk out the back door.

9:30

Jess walked down the path that circled around the property surrounding the station and the Hawkes cabins. Matt had finished his last spring. Jess felt like she should build hers but she felt if she did she would have to settle down. Settling down was not an option right now. Here was where she wanted to be but she was restless. She wanted something more but needed it to be here.

"You get stood up?" Cutler stood a few feet down trail.

"Yeah. I though I would just walk out my heartbreak."

"I'm sorry Jess. I got ready to go and got in my truck and I headed up the mountain." He stopped in front of her. "I can't make any promises Jess." She smiled and touched his cheek.

"No one is asking for any promises Jimmy. Just what we have is good enough for me." He took her hand and held it.

"You deserve promises and you deserve perfection, not just good enough." She squeezed his hand.

"If I was unhappy I wouldn't be here." He knew Jess wouldn't say no to him. She never could. He had to be the strong one this time but he was failing fast. The ring he had for her was in his pocket. He never loved anyone but her. He kissed her.

"You're my everything Jess." He took out the ring. "I spent the last hour and a half telling myself if would be better if I just never showed up tonight and have you hate me forever. Telling myself you were better off without me." He opened the box. "I know how you feel about marriage. But I need you to know I'm committed to you." He slid a small heart shaped ruby surrounded by diamonds on her finger. She looked at the ring and then at Cutler.

"It's beautiful Jimmy." She kissed him. "I do love you, you know that right?" He looked into her deep sad brown eyes. He knew how she felt. She would stand by him and love him for as long as he would let her.

"I love you too Jess." The snow started to fall. Jess knew this was right. Jim Cutler was the one person who had been there for her since she was a little girl. He would always be her friend even if he wasn't always her lover.

May 3, 2004

Cody knew the pain would get better but this morning was one of those days when he felt it would never leave his soul. Jess had moved out of his cabin and back in with Cutler. She still came a couple of times a week to catch up on old horror movies and find some new favorites. Sometimes Cutler came sometimes he didn't. Mornings were rough. The pills the doctor had given him to sleep at night left him cloudy the next day so he rarely took them. This morning he wasn't sure he wanted to get up. He heard noise in his kitchen and smelled coffee. Getting up he went into the kitchen, Jess was standing at the sink.

"Something wrong, Jess?" She turned and looked at him.

"No, I just made coffee. I have stable duty so I thought I would come by and start your coffee."

"Thanks. What's wrong?" She could never hide things from him.

"I got a job offer." Cody looked at his sister.

"Where?"

"The FBI is looking for field operatives for their Seattle office. I didn't apply for the job they just ask me."

"Are you going to take the job?"

"I think I am. I have to go next week for an interview but they told me I have the job if I want it." Cody paled. He couldn't tell her that he didn't want her to go but he had no right to ask her to stay.

"What does Cutler say about you leaving?"

"He said it would be good to get away for awhile. I know I won't have a job with the Rangers but I can always find something if I decide to come back." Jess went to the door. "We'll talk more later." She left. Cody ran his hand though his hair. The morning wasn't starting off like he would of liked it and the day isn't getting better.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat at the front desk. It was late and she hadn't seen Cody or Matt for hours. It was probably a good thing. She knew that her brothers would talk. Lately things have gone way off track with her life. She had always wanted to be here with her family but now with Cody slipping farther and farther into himself she just needed to take a step back. The front door opened and the team came in. Jess looked up and Cutler threw his gloves at her.

"My bike needs a tune up." She smiled.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Please Jess; will you tune up my bike?"

"Sure." Standing up she headed out the back door before her brother's caught her alone. Cutler watched her go. Something was bothering her and he wished she trusted him enough to tell him what.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess pulled the carburetor out of Cutler's bike and adjusted it. The man was going to blow up another bike if he didn't be careful.

"Are you hiding?" She looked up to see Matt.

"What do I have to hide from?"

"The fact that you're leaving again."

"Now who said Cody's quit talking."

"When were you going to tell me?" Jess looked into her brother's eyes.

"Two weeks notice is all I have to give." The anger was building.

"Jess you know that's not what I mean."

"If me leaving makes Cody step up to the plate and make whatever it is with him right then I'm going to do it."

"Leaving isn't going to make him better Jess. He just needs time. I have some errands to run in Sacramento tomorrow. Jim and Cody will spend then night here." Jess nodded "You not leaving again Jess." He backed out of the door. "Not this time."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess looked outside at the cool spring night. She felt Cutler behind her and closed her eyes. He didn't like the game that Jess was playing but he would never say so.

"Are you going home tonight?" He took her in his arms and pulled her back against his chest.

"I'll stay here with you and Cody. Maybe if Matt makes him stay here more, getting up in the morning will be easier."

"Do you really think if your not here he's going to want to get out of bed at all Jess. Hell I don't think I'll want to get out of bed if you go." She smiled.

"You've lived without me before."

"I did it but I didn't like it." He kissed her cheek and pulled away. "Dinner's in fifteen minutes. You mom made meatloaf."

"I'll be there." She turned back and looked out into the forest behind the station. She missed the old Cody so much sometimes and they fought about it at great lengths. He told the old Cody was gone. The men that held him captive had made sure of that. Jess knew that man was still there somewhere. Behind his cold blue eyes and underneath the angry facade, he was there. She just needed a way to bring him home.

May 4, 2004

Cody looked at his sister sleeping on the couch in the lounge. It was only five in the morning but it would serve her right if he rousted her out of bed now. He was the one that needed to sleep in but the nightmares kept that from ever happening. He went into the kitchen to Cutler had already made coffee.

"You couldn't sleep either?" He looked at the older man.

"I never sleep well on those damn cots." Handing Cody his coffee Cutler sat down. "How about you?"

"I don't sleep well ever." He looked down at his coffee. "She's really taking the job?"

"As far as I know."

"You're not going to try and stop her."

"Cody, she doesn't belong to me. I can say all I want to convince her this is the worst idea ever and she'll still go. I don't think Matt was in any mood before he left but I think when he gets back the fur is going to fly." Cody shook his head.

"Those two have got to learn that fighting gets them no where. I'll be in my office if you need me." Shutting the door behind him Cody went and warmed up his computers. The fax machine started and he sat on his chair and rolled back to get the paper coming off the roller. Cody looked at the paper. The little girl in the picture couldn't be more then a year or so old. Her black curls and bright smile squeezed his frozen heart. He read the details. Her father had beat up her mother after the courts gave her full custody of the child and he took her. Hitting the intercom button Cody grabbed his holster. "Cutler, wake up Jess. We have work to do."

7:30am

Cody pulled out the map and put it on the table. He knew the land around the lake but Jess knew it better. She spent most of her time growing up running the mountain with him but she liked to be alone sometimes. Those were the times she learned the short cuts and secrets of the mountain.

"Okay the McKnight's place is sixty miles north of here. East of dad's place. The only way up is on horse or ATV. It's been raining for so long I don't know if taking the horses is a good idea." He looked at Jess.

"The four wheelers are our best bet." Jess drew a line with her finger. "Straight up and we can take the fire road from there. If we go up that way and have Izzy and Cutler take the back way there's no way we'll miss him." Cody nodded.

"Let's get going. I don't want this man getting up that mountain with the little girl." Cody threw the pocket map at Cutler and grabbed another for him and Jess. He knew they wouldn't need it but it never hurt to have back up.

9:15 am

"Are you okay?" It was a strange question coming from Cody. It had been Jess who was asking him that question lately.

"I'm fine. You?"

"It's supposed to get cold tonight. I don't want that little girl to spend another night away from her mother." Jess looked at her brother.

"They've been gone almost forty eight hours Cody. Do you really think he'd risk taking her up so far away from civilization?"

"I think he's a coward for beating his ex-wife and taking a poor little child in these mountains before the snow has melted. I think he's headed to the one place where he thinks no one will look for him because it's in the middle of nowhere." Jess saw something in her brother's eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time. He was angry and the anger fueled the passion he had lost when he was taken prisoner.

"Just remember he's armed and dangerous." Cody looked at his sister. He knew she was worried that he was slipping away from them and maybe this was the chance he needed to finish it.

"We will get Ava back to her mother, no matter what it takes Jess but I'm not reckless." She tried to blink the tears from her eyes but she couldn't.

"Promise?"

"Do I really worry you that much?"

"You've been so cold for so long Cody. I'm just scared for you." Jess was never scared of anything. She was the strongest person he knew.

"I'm going to be fine Jess. I promise." He turned back to the trail and started his ATV. Jess knew better and let it go. Now was not the time to start the high mountain drama. They drove silently for a few miles then Cody but his hand up and they both stopped. "Jeep's in the bushes." He got off his ATV and walked slowly to the vehicle.

"I'll radio Cutler." Jess stayed back and watched the surrounding area. "Lady Hawke to Flash."

"Go ahead Lady Hawke."

"We have McKnight's vehicle about twenty miles east of Colton's Ridge."

"How long has it been there?" Cody felt the hood.

"The engines cool. At least a half hour." Cody relayed.

"Half hour at least." She looked at Cody as he checked the ground.

"He's on foot. He must be carrying her on his left hand because he's sinking in more on that side." He turned to his sister. "He can't get far."

"Cody says he's on foot we're going to follow the tracks."

"Stay close to each other; I don't want him picking you off. You're sitting ducks if he see's you first."

"Ten four. Lady Hawke out." Jess watched her brother follow the trail. She started her bike and followed slowly behind him. He stopped about a mile up.

"He's close. We need to take it slow. He's getting tired." Jess came up behind him. "He's dragging the seat." Jess nodded. "Stay back a few yards. I don't want him putting the girl at risk but if he does, you need to do what you have to."

"And I'm faster." He turned and looked at her. He smiled like he hadn't done in a very long time.

"Yeah, Jess…you're faster." He followed the trail. The man was getting tired. He was getting sloppy and Cody knew that sloppy got people hurt. The ridge spit a half a mile ahead and they saw Hugh McKnight. He had slowed down quite a bit. "Take the lower ridge." Cody whispered. Jess slowly made her way down the ledge and landed silently on the lower ridge. Hand on his gun Cody made his way silently towards McKnight. Unholstering his gun he spoke. "High Mountain Rangers McKnight. Set down the baby and turn around slowly." The older man stopped. Cody knew that he wasn't in the state of mind to give up without a fight. He kidnapped his own child and a hundred yards back they had crossed the state line making it a federal offence. He turned. He had a wicked smile on his face. Cody knew this was going to end badly and when McKnight let go of the handle of the car seat his heart nearly broke. "You son of a bitch."

"You don't know the half of it." Cody took three steps forward and looked over the edge of the ridge. Jess lay sprawled out on the ledge, the child seat safely in her arms but teetering to near the edge. He stepped forward, closer to McKnight.

"Everything okay down there baby sister?" She turned and looked up at him taking the seat carrying little Ava McKnight away from the cliff.

"We're okay down here." McKnight looked at the woman holding his daughter. Cody watched him. He took three steps toward the man. Without warning McKnight let out a yell and tackled Cody, sending his gun flying. The two wrestled and fought, McKnight nearly choked Cody until he got his foot between them and pushed the man to the edge of the cliff. Getting up he went to pull the older man to his feet. McKnight pulled out a knife and lunged at Cody grazing his ribs.

"Cody!" Jess took the baby and headed up the ridge. She knew that her brother would want her to protect the baby and not help him but at least if she was off the ledge she could help if worse came to worse. The two men struggled, Cody getting the brunt of the beating. The knife slid though his jacket as he struggled to get the upper hand. Jess placed the baby within reach and took out her gun. The struggle kept putting Cody in the line of fire. Jess pressed her mic button. "Flash we're a mile south of the cabin we need back up now!"

"On out way. Five minutes from your destination."

"Hurry Jimmy." Jess struggled for a clear shot but she couldn't. The two kept fighting. "Cody give me a clear shot."

"Just take care of the kid Jess." He fought back harder. Then it was over. One punch to his solar plexus Hugh McKnight flew off the cliff to the ridge below. Cody wasn't moving and blood seeped out of the wounds on his right side. Jess took the baby, picked up Cody's gun and went to the ledge. Hugh McCormick lay on the ledge. He wasn't going anywhere. Jess went to her brother.

"Oh God, Cody." Bruises covered his face and chest as Jess tore off his jacket and picked up the mic of her radio. "White Eagle I need immediate evac at my location."

"On my way Jess." Taking her jacket off she pressed it against Cody's side.

"Come on Cody…wake up." Jess checked his pulse. "Hang in there big brother, helps coming."

"McKnight?" He croaked out.

"On the ridge out cold with a broken leg at least." Jess heard Cutler and Izzy's bikes coming up the ridge.

"Ava?"

"She's right here." Cody looked at the child and then closed his eyes and let the pain over take him.

4:45 pm

Jess leaned against the wall in the ER. Her parents sitting in the chairs across from her. The fist clenching her heart squeezed tighter. Cutler came out of the room they were holding McKnight.

"The Sheriff's coming to pick up McKnight and bring him to the prison infirmary." Jess looked at him.

"The sooner the better." He went to her and put his arm around her but she brushed him off and headed down the hall to the coffee machine.

"Don't take it personal son." Jesse looked at the younger man.

"I never do." He looked at the room where they were taking care of Cody. "She had him stabilized before Frank got here."

"She wouldn't let anything happen to him. We all know that. Did you get a hold of Matt?"

"Yeah, he was half way back, he should be here anytime."

"You handled everything right up there Jim. You brought that little girl down safely."

"I wish I could say the same for Cody."

"My son has seen worse days and I'm sure he has more a head of him. Jesse watched his daughter down the hall. "Just give Jess some space Jim."

"Jesse no offence but I've been giving Jess space for ten years and I still step on her toes." Jesse knew that he was right. He had been there for his daughter though all her ups and downs for the past ten years and he didn't show signs of going anywhere.

"Just don't give up on her." Cutler nodded and went to find something to do other then wait.

5:15

Matt walked up to Cutler standing near the ER entrance. The look on his face told him it had been a long day.

"How's Cody?"

"He's pretty banged up. The knife wounds weren't deep but one or two needed stitches. A few broken ribs, his larynx is bruised."

"Jess?"

"Shutting down." Cutler looked at his friend. "I have to go back to the office. The Sheriff took McKnight to jail. Ava and her mother are in pediatrics. The doctor wants to give her the once over so they will be here tonight." Cutler started walking toward his truck.

"Are you okay?" Cutler turned.

"I will be." He got in his truck and drove away. Matt went into the hospital and found his family.

May 8, 2004

Cody looked at his sister curled up on the chair. She had saved his ass again and he didn't seem to know why. Every time he though the pain would end she pulled the rug out from under him. He closed his eyes. Now there was more pain to deal with. She stirred and opened her eyes.

"Cody?" He turned and opened his.

"Get out." His voice was raspy and horse. She stood.

"What?"

"Get the hell out of here." She reached for his hand but he slapped it away. "Don't touch me. Just leave." Jess looked at her brother. The pain and anger in his blue eyes made her take a step back.

"Cody?"

"Just get the hell out of my life Jess." Jess swallowed hard. She took a step back and shook her head in confusion. With tears in her eyes she turned and headed out the door nearly knocking the blond woman at the door over. Jess apologized and kept on walking. The woman handed the child she was holding to Izzy and proceeded into the room.

"Cody Hawkes what the hell do you think your doing?" Cody looked at the woman standing at the end of his bed.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Sarah McKnight." Cody swallowed hard.

"How's Ava?"

"Perfect, thanks to you and your sister. Do you know she hasn't left the hospital since you got here? Cutler had to drag her down to get something to eat last night and then she took it back up here to be with you. She didn't want you to wake up alone." The blond went to stand next to him. "She doesn't deserve to be treated that way."

"I know."

"Then you owe her an apology."

"You sound like my mother."

"Your mother has been a saint. She let me and Ava stay at the house." She touched Cody's arm and he pulled back. "Hugh hurt us all Cody. Don't let him mess with the person you are."

"How do you know what kind of person I am?"

"I know you didn't think twice about going up that mountain to find him and Ava."

"It's my job." She crossed her arms over her chest.

"You go above and beyond just like your sister. Don't be modest Ranger Hawkes. You saved my little girl and I thank you for that." She sat on the chair next to him. "You're a good man; no matter what you feel right now your sister and the rest of those people waiting outside need you." The door opened and Izzy brought in Ava.

"She heard your voice." Izzy set her down and her little chubby legs carried her to her mother. Sarah picked her up.

"Thanks Izzy." Izzy nodded and shut the door. "Say hello Ava." Ave looked at Cody and smiled. She lifted her little hand in a small wave.

"She's beautiful Sarah." Cody whispered.

"And she's home because of you. Family is so very important Cody. Don't throw it away because you feel like the world won't cut you a break." She let Ava reach for him and she grabbed on to his big hand with her little one. "Don't let Hugh take them from you like he took her from me." She stood up and lifted the child into her arms. "Say goodbye Ava."

"Bye, bye." She smiled and hid her giggles in her mothers shoulder.

"We'll talk soon Cody." Sarah walked out of the room and Cody was alone again with his thoughts.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*May 25, 2004*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess curled up in the big bed she shared with Cutler. He hadn't been home yet today and she was hoping he wouldn't come looking for her because she felt like crap and looked even worse. The knock on the door echoed in her head. She didn't want to see anyone now. Getting up she put her robe on and went to the door. Matt was standing on the landing.

"I have some campers stranded by a mud slide on the south ridge near Copperhead." He looked at her. She was a mess but he needed her skills to make this team work. "Take a shower and get dressed."

"I'm not sober enough to take a job." Matt looked at her. She hadn't drank much since coming back from DC. She didn't like being out of control.

"I know Cutler doesn't have anything more then a six pack in the fridge and you haven't left the house in three days so don't try and talk your way out of this. I need you Jess."

"How's Cody?"

"Sinking down a hole I can't pull him out of. Cutler's a mess too. If I loose you too I might as well just shut the whole place down." Jess looked at her older brother. There were stress lines she had never noticed before. "Please don't fight me on this Jess. I don't have it in me."

"I'll be out in fifteen minutes." She headed to the shower.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cody sat at the diner across from Sarah McKnight and her daughter. The place was slow and quiet for early afternoon. He stared at his ice tea and glanced at the two across from him now and then.

"Are you feeling better?"

"A little. How are the two of you?"

"We're good. Your mom is taking good care of us."

"When are you going back to Sacramento?"

"I'm not. Your mom has rented me the apartment over the diner. I got a job at the medical center. I fell in love with the place the first time I saw it."

"So you're just going to pack up your things and move here?"

"Yeah. I was leaving the city anyway. I was going to move to San Fernando to be closer to my parents but they're retiring soon and they will want to travel."

"Why now?" She looked at him with those fierce green eyes.

"Hugh took everything from me Cody. He almost had the one thing that meant the world to me. I feel safe here. Knowing that you and your family have my back if Hugh or his family comes after Ava."

"We have drama beyond drama around here."

"Well I guess that's one more reason to stay. Everyone loves a little drama." She smiled. Cody smiled the fist real smile he had shown anyone in a long time.

*-*--**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess attached the basket caked with mud to the hook and singled Frank to pull up the injured man. The rest of the family was safe in the back of the ambulance on the hill. She was thigh deep in mud and it was getting hard to move. Jess keyed her radio.

"Matt…I'm in trouble…the mud is getting harder and I can't move."

"I'll have Frank set the old man down and come pull you out."

"NO he needs to be brought in."

"Jess it'll be nearly an hour and that much longer if I go back for the other chopper."

"Call Cody."

"Jess he's in no shape to fly."

"The sheriff is three hours out and I have less then half that before the rest of this crap buries me alive. Maybe now's a good time to see what he's made of."

"Cutler's on his way to get him. Hold tight Jess. I'm coming down. Maybe I can dig you out."

"Matt, no. Just stay up there and tell Flynn to throw me down some oxygen."

"Jess." Matt was at the top of the slide. She looked up

"I'm okay for now. Just get Cody."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The breaks squealed as Cutler came to a stop in front of the diner. He had remembered Jackie saying something to Sarah about having lunch there. He got out and found Cody sitting in the back alone.

"Matt needs you." Cody looked up.

"I'm off till further notice."

"There was a mud slide and Jess went down the hill to extract the last vic and the mud started to harden." Cutler leaned on the table and looked at the younger man. "She's trapped and you're the only one who can get to her in time. Matt was on the mountain and it would take an hour to get back."

"I can't fly Cutler. I haven't since I got back from Afghanistan."

"Come on Cody this is Jess. You have to go get her."

"I don't have to do anything." The anger in Cutler's eyes was unlike anything that Cody had ever seen.

"Then you explain to your parents and brother that because you couldn't drag your sorry ass out of whatever hole you decided to bury yourself in your sister died on that mountain." The gasp from behind him made Cutler stand straight and he looked behind him to find Sarah and Ava. "You decide." He hit the table and went out the door.

"Cody?" Sarah looked at the man who had risked everything to save her daughter.

"Here." He handed Sarah his truck keys. "I'll call you later." He looked at Ava and she smiled at him with so much unconditional love Cody wasn't sure he could make it out the door. He bent down and hugged the little girl. "Take care of your mom princess." Cody kissed the top of Sarah head and headed out to meet Cutler.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Cutler got into the other side of the helicopter as Cody started the engine.

"You don't have to come with me Jimmy." Cody looked at his friend.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because the last time I flew I crashed." Cutler put his sunglasses on and stared ahead.

"Let's not let that happen then, okay?" Cody lifted off the pad.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted back there." Cutler looked at him.

"It's over. Just don't let whatever it is take you over man. I know it hurts right now but it will get better Cody. You have so many people standing beside you to help you though this. Don't push them away."

"I know. I just have to get a handle on this. No matter who I talk to I can't get this feeling of being alone I had back there."

"Talk to Jess. She knows more about being alone then anyone I know." He pointed to the next ridge. "And right now alone is the last place she wants to be." Cody approached the next ridge and Cutler threw the ladder down. Jess was buried up to her chest.

"Someone call for a taxi?" Cutler said into his radio.

"I take back what I said about you Flash. Your timing is impeccable."

"Ace did all the fancy work. I just get all the glory."

"Thanks for coming for me big brother."

"Cutler reminded me how mad mom and dad would get if I left you to fossilize." Jess laughed.

"Yeah but it would make a heck of a family story." Cody smiled.

"Grab that rope and let's get you out of there."

*-*-**-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Jess sat in the warm confines of Cutlers arms. The fire in the old brick fireplace was the only light in the room. They had both told Matt they would pull the night shift so he could take some much needed time off. Jess felt better then she had in days knowing that Cody was close to becoming himself again.

"You okay baby?" Cutler stroked her hair.

"I think I'm going to be fine. I think Sarah is doing a world of good for Cody."

"I think saving your ass today did a lot of good for Cody." He looked at the fire. "I think it did both of you a lot of good." Jess smiled.

"They said mud is good for the skin."

"He's going to be okay Jess. It may not be today or tomorrow but Cody will get though this." She snuggled closer to him.

"I hope your right. I'm not taking the job in Seattle." Cutler smiled.

"I knew you wouldn't." Jess looked up at him. "You couldn't live with out me." She smiled.

"That's it. I knew you'd see right though me." She kissed him and closed her eyes. Things were going to be just fine.

*-*-*-*-*-

Sorry it took so long summer has been busy...promise not to wait too much longer for ending


End file.
